The Church of England has issued a statement today citing it's opposition to proposed legislation allowing ginger people to marry.
Currently, people with hair described as 'ginger', 'strawberry blond' or 'kissed by fire' are allowed to join in civil partnerships, but are not legally allowed to wed.
"For hundreds of years, redheads have been associated with witchcraft and satanic ritual," said Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, "to permit them to marry would be a crime against God and nature."
"To clarify," the Archbishop continued, "this is an ecumenical matter for the Church. If two sinful abominations wish to flaunt their commitment to devil worship in public, then that is a matter for the state. But they have no place in a house of God."
"We have some redheads in our congregations, but all have been thoroughly screened by throwing them into a river beforehand. We had trained lifeguards ready to retrieve those that sunk, and we burnt the ones that floated. May God have mercy on their souls."
 |
| Ginger people can currently flout the ban by dyeing their hair and renouncing Satan and all his works. |
Some Tory MP's have threatened to vote against any move to permit gingers to marry if the government attempts to carry the proposals into law.
"A few years ago we let left-handed people marry, and it has been an unmitigated disaster," said Herbert Derbingham of West Countryshire. "Unemployment is up, knife crime and drug abuse is out of control amongst our youth, and I'm pretty sure Hitler was left-handed, although I wouldn't be able to offer much in the way of hard evidence"
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to vote against any motion to allow gingers to marry." Mr Derbingham added, "there are just too many consequences that we, as a nation, are not ready to deal with."
No comments:
Post a Comment