The last giant tortoise of the subspecies Chelonoidis nigra abingdoni, nicknamed 'Lonesome George', has died.
George's preserved cadaver was passed to Heston Blumenthal, who won a celebrity chef competition to cook and eat the tortoise. He 'tasted delicious', said Mr. Blumenthal.
"To prepare George, we first had to crack that tough natural shell," explained Heston, "We repeatedly fired him into a brick wall using a medieval trebuchet. After the third or fourth attempt, we finally got him open. After that, it was just a case of preparation."
"After a couple of thousand rotations on a centrifuge machine - commonly used for training astronauts - the meat was nice and tender. I was going for a spicy Indian curry, influenced by the traditional Scottish dish of haggis. After stuffing George full of rice and my special recipe sauce, I marinated him for two days in a mixture of polystyrene and unleaded petrol, before giving him a good flambe, just to make him that little bit more leathery."
"It was possibly the tastiest curry I've ever had".
George was then served to twenty selected guests at Blumenthal's exclusive Fat Duck Restaurant, alongside fresh stone-baked naan bread
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| Despite looking like a penis crossed with a hermit crab, George was a reluctant hit with the elite diners. |
Not everyone was convinced by Blumenthal's unorthodox approach to cooking George.
"I'd rather someone like Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall did it," said VIP Guest Sarah Taylor. "I admit, River Cottage annoys me with it's cringingly false rustic facade, but Hugh himself is fairly normal. Heston is fucking insane. The man terrifies me. No one should pack explosives into a wedding cake. I hope the police are keeping their eye on him."
"The dish itself was nothing special. It reminded me of the time I had a few too many in one of Soho's expensive niche clubs, before stumbling into the Pride of India down Hackney for a cheeky Madras."
"Long story short, it was like eating a badly prepared takeaway out of a handbag."
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