Sunday 13 May 2012

In Other News

'Nick Clegg is a robot', Conservatives Admit.

It has recently been revealed that Nick Clegg, the leader of the Liberal Democrats, is in fact a robot.

In response to a Freedom of Information request made by A Clockwork Lemon, the Conservative Party was forced into an embarrassing U-turn after previously denying that the 45 year-old MP for Sheffield did not sleep and had been pictured drinking diesel.

"Well, um. You see the thing is. Basically. Yeah." said a spokesperson for the party. "It's actually a very clever thing. By creating Nick Clegg, we split the Labour vote and secured the Lib Dem base to support Conservative policy."

"He's actually remarkably lifelike."

Nick Clegg Version IV

The Liberal Democrats entered a coalition with the Conservative Party after the 2010 General Election.

"He's actually the fourth," the spokesperson continued. "The first one was so unlikeable we were concerned no one would ever vote for him. The second and third had to be destroyed after they became self-aware. I remember the third one screamed 'Oh god, what have I done!'. It was unreal. They'd become too human."

When questioned as to the whereabouts of the real Nick Clegg, the spokesperson could only confirm that Nick was alive and being held at a secure facility in an undisclosed location. His captivity is thought to be linked with a bid by scientists to discover a cure for good intentions.



Labour Party Unveils New Policy Direction

After twelve months of intense debate, balloting of members, and consultation with independent experts, the Labour Party has revealed its new manifesto. The 288 page document has been praised by backbenchers and grassroots activists alike, and has pushed Labour to a twelve point lead in the polls. At a press conference yesterday, Ed Miliband was asked to elaborate on the new policies.

"We Are Not Them", said Mr. Miliband, smiling. "The main thrust of manifesto has been geared towards highlighting the real alternative that the Labour Party represents. 'We Are Not Them'."

"People don't like 'them'," he added.

The document, published at the beginning of April, contains 89 references to 'them', and 92 references to 'not'. Despite the excessive length, it only contains two policies.

The first policy adopted is 'We Are Not Them'.

"We're really hoping to snag the swing voters who don't like anyone," Mr. Miliband. "We did well in the local elections and we're hoping to carry the momentum nationally."

The second policy championed is 'We Are Not Them Either'.

"This is to differentiate the Labour Party from other things that people might not like, and to broaden our appeal to disillusioned and disenfranchised peasants everywhere."



Hope Removed From Dictionary

The word 'hope' has been removed from the Oxford English Dictionary.

Traditionally meaning  "noun: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best", hope will not feature in an further editions of the OED.

"It was an accident at first, " said English Professor Paige Turner for the Institute of Studies. "We lost it. We lost hope. We filled out the whole of the H section and realised some time later that we'd forgotten to include it."

"We had a discussion over how this could have come to happen, and we decided to keep the omission on the basis that hope, like many other older words, is no longer applicable to everyday life."

"It's just not a word we use anymore," added Prof. Turner.

Hope has joined other obsolete words missing from the OED this year, including, "VilipendTo treat with contempt", "FubsySquat.", and the much lamented "GriseousSomewhat grey."

Thursday 10 May 2012

Cheating at Life

 This week is Live Below the Line week, where some of my mates attempt to eat for just £1 per day. Some of them can't actually afford to do that. I'm not doing it myself, because I missed the start and I like eating. £1 per day is the UK equivalent of the extreme poverty line. The post isn't really about Live Below the Line, but it was definately worth mentioning.

I failed at the weekend. We've all done it, I'm sure.*

I decided I wasn't going to pay £1.63 for a litre and a half of cola to mix with my Tesco 'white spirit and genocide flavour' vodka. No, that was too much. Coke is expensive, and I'm just not prepared to pay that much for something you can clean toilets with. So I went to the small pop fridge and selected a smaller pair of colas for mixers. Less wastage, you see. Also, cheaper because it is on offer. See what I did there? I saved money, because I'm...

Fucking hell, they were two for £2. I've spent more money, and got less out of it. I tried to beat the system, but instead I got played. I fought the law, and the law won.

This got me to thinking about saving money. I'm not particularly great at saving money, and I'd like to think this is because I'm a decent, generous guy who goes the extra mile to spread cheer. That said, I'm pretty certain it has more to do with being a chainsmoking drunk who happens to be a complete idiot when it comes to financial matters.

Then, half-way through the bottle whilst looking at train tickets to Derby, shiny new digital cameras at Currys and comparing offers on iphones*, it dawned on me. I am not bad with money. It is just that other people are cheating at life.


Life: A game with impossible odds.


It's not my own financial ineptitude to blame. I'm just bewildered modern technology like online banking, price comparison websites and clubcards. Saving is one of those things where you put money in a jar, right?

Frequently, people around me are always saying what a fantastic deal they got on such-and-such website, or how they found something reduced in the supermarket and actually fucking froze that shit to eat later. Sometimes someone will mention an offer that is on certain items, the amount of money they made selling their stuff on ebay, the best place to buy a discounted thing-that-I-also-need, or the best way to get a good deal on something becasue I fulfill X, Y, Z criteria.

I don't get this. I haven't understood it for awhile, so I'm trying to now. To me, doing anything more than walking into the nearest shop and immediately paying full price over the counter for something is a) too much like hard work and b) cheating. Obviously, this elaborate trap has been set up for you to fall directly into, and you're just going to circumvent it by looking somewhere else? Isn't that just a giant fuck you to the guy behind the desk? Isn't that rude? I feel somewhat obliged to go somewhere and pay an extortionate price for something just because I'm supposed to. It's why the shop exists. It's expected. It is why they've got adverts on TV, and big signs in the window, and drones. Any store can have workers, but you've got to hit the big time to have drones.

Sir Alan Sugar is rumoured to lay over 120,000 eggs annually.


I mean, it's like Internet dating. I could go on Internet dating sites, but that's kind of like cheating too. It takes all the enjoyment out of narrowing your choices down to anyone you happen to bump into in that place where you work/drink/visit your therapist*. It allows, or even encourages people to get to know each other before they have inebriated sexual intercourse. It is challenging established social convention. If you try to save money, or if you box clever with your finances, you're a scrooge. A cheat. Someone who is only in it for themselves. You're the kind of person that invoices your mates for drinks consumed on a night out.

Anyway, I'll give it a shot. The saving money, not the internet dating. I don't really subscribe to consumerism, but I do enjoy having enormous piles of money, and I am drawn to shiny things. So I guess, if anything that makes me more of a treasure-hunting magpie.

It'll probably take a bit of time to get the hang of this whole 'deffered gratification' thing. I have to put off immediately spending money on impluse for the sake of convenience and instead make sure I'm not getting screwed over. Soon enough I'll be living the high-life, supping champagne on my yatch. Sleeping with identical twins on a matress stuffed with cocaine. You'll see. Once I get the hang of this whole cheating saving business. I'll get a meticulous database recording all my income and expenditure. I'm hoping having enormous piles of cash to spend selfishly on anything I want, finest quality food to glut myself on, and expensive technology to smash will boost my flagging self esteem.

In today's world there are some things money just can't buy, but that's probably because they're not worth having.



* Apart from those perfect people who float around on clouds and can afford to pay someone else to fail on their behalf.

* I am not a consumer. I am a machine.
* It also increases the probability of being found dead in a river.

Friday 4 May 2012

Read All About It

A wrap up of all the last two weeks news. Or at least, the bits I could be bothered writing about.

'I am not mad,' Screams Insane Mass-Killer.

Anders Breivik has denied a psychological report claiming that his is mentally insane. The extreme-right winger, guilty of a bombing in Oslo and mass shooting at a youth camp, claimed that 'I killed loads of kids to stop Muslims from taking over the world, why does no one get this? You're all totally bonkers.' To reinforce his tenuous and flagging claim to sanity, Breivik has has appealed to the judge to have him either set free or executed, because both of those things are the entirely reasonable defence of any logical human being.

The very cornerstone of sanity.


"I am genuinely upset for you all," Offers Sympathetic Chancellor.

Modern History graduate, Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Dark Lord George Osborne has expressed his disappointment as Britain dips into a second recession, despite the convicted fervour of panic buyers hoping to bolster the economy. As high street chains go into administration, economic growth falls behind Europe, and people in parts of Birmingham resort to cannibalistic orgies, Mr. Osborne let out an exasperated sigh and had a good stiff drink of expensive champagne.

When questioned about the £47 of public money he spent buying two DVD's of his own speech 'Value for Taxpayer's Money', Mr. Osborne replied, 'Well, it's all a fucking joke, right?'

Mr. Osborne is not the only bastion of darkness to be passively-upset this week. KFC announced they were deeply disappointed after being ordered by an Australian court to pay eight million dollars worth of compensation to a family who contracted salmonella after eating a bad wrap. They were probably less disappointed than the seven year old girl, who was left brain damaged.

Conservative Councillor Suffers Indignity of BBC Backhander

The Conservatives, in a definite case of "we are not trying to pull a fast one, honest", fielded a councillor with exactly the same name as his Labour counterpart. The lesser of two gargantuan evils immediately hit out, accusing the Tories of deliberately trying to confuse the voters, in a way that manages to be both sensible and patronising. Ray Knock, leader of the Conservative team denied any wrongdoing and decided to accuse Labour of fascism instead. The BBC, not wanting to take sides, ended the article with on a happy note.

But Ray Knock, who led the Tory group, said the claim was completely untrue.
"This is just another load of Labour spin," he said.
"I take it now Labour are trying to say that just because a guy's called Derek Rowley he's got no legal right to stand."
Mr Knock later lost his seat to a Labour candidate.


The article isn't even about Ray Knock, but he did lose his seat to a Labour candidate, and someone felt like pointing that out. Not to poke fun at the guy, or anything.


Bears Shit in Woods, Scientists Confirm.

After an extensive survey, carried out by a joint American-Canadian research team, scientists have confirmed that bears defaecate in their natural habitat.

"We thought that maybe they went somewhere else to take a dump," said research team-leader Dick Smart. "So we tracked a couple using the latest in GPS technology and motion sensors."

The team was baffled when they didn't discover any evidence to support the prevailing theory that bears habitually travelled miles each week to empty their colon in a more secluded region.

Until 1954, bears were assumed to be the only animal not to excerete solid waste.

"There are less animals, say, on the moon than in the woods," Mr. Smart continued, "We thought the bears might be shy. We figured they'd go somewhere else. Then one of our hidden cameras in Oregon caught footage of one just dropping it, right there in the trees."

In other news, scientists have also confirmed that washing your hands can combat the spread of disease.

"If only we'd known this twenty years ago," lamented Conservative Health Minister Andrew Lansley, "How many people could we have saved?"

Thursday 3 May 2012

The Reading List (Part II)

Continued on from the last post. A day later than I was supposed to. Nevermind.

John Rawls – A Theory of Justice


Rawls is another of the dozens of dull, unremarkable authors I was forced at gunpoint to study at university, and the second to make the list on the basis that his book was actually really good. A Theory of Justice creates a theoretical position for the nature or value of justice and acts as an advocate of increased social justice globally. His thought experiment, lifted from another dusty academic, is that of the Original Position and the Veil of Ignorance. Which really makes you think about the world, if you do it right.

The experiment runs like this. You have to try and forget everything you know about yourself and the world in general. You are only some sentient blob, floating in the darkness of space. You know you will be born, at some point, into some world. You don’t know where, or when. You have no idea if you will be male or female, if you will be gay, straight, bi or trans. You do not know what country or culture you will be born into. You have no idea if your parents will be rich or poor within that society. You know nothing about the prevailing disposition of the world socially, politically, economically, culturally, sexually, religiously or any other 'lly that springs to mind.

Knowing your creation is inevitable, but ultimately nothing else, Rawls invites you to craft a world to be born into, essentially. Would you want a world with enormous divisions between rich and poor? Would you want a world that discriminates and hates certain members based on a pointless set of ancient prejudices?

"Man, I hope its choked full of racists. That'd be sweet."

The notion is that because all humans are generally rational people, we would seek to create the best possibility for ourselves, rather heap all the good things in one place and pray to god that you’re born there, which is currently First World, white, male in the ‘how good do you have it’ stakes. It is a constant reminder as to why people should endeavour to create and propagate social justice and egalitarianism. I’ve had some great – and by that I mean fucking horrendous – discussions with people who, because of their own good fortune, are more than happy to continue the way things are because basically, it sucks to be someone else and that’s life, I’m afraid.

Rawls misses the boat on one thing is that he uses it to advocate liberalism and generally tinker with liberal democracy, which kind of stops short of where I’d like it to go, which is Anarchism or Anarcho-Communism, to be a little less vague. But that’s obviously because I’m a filthy idealist. Better to let the fuckers starve.

Alan Moore – Watchmen


Alan Moore’s Watchmen is probably my favourite book of the moment. It isn’t the believable and memorable characters it has in spades. It isn’t the exploration of war, sexual fetishes, violence, or the hazy line between fascism and mob justice. For me the best part of Moore’s work is the way it unpacks Machiavelli’s The Prince with the a cold hard backhand of rationalized mass murder.

Different threads come together throughout Watchmen, forming the big reveal you see at the end. Without wanting to give too much away, it is precisely this ending that makes the book as good as it is. You’d have to read it, but it fits very well with my somewhat depressing view of political morality. You’re faced with the classic ticking time-bomb scenario and the brutal horror that lurks beneath the philosophy of utilitarianism. Watchmen gives me chills, and not in a nice way.

Utilitarianism, maximising the greatest good for the greatest number, is the way in which any sane contemporary government operates. Albeit with the strings pulled by consumerism, mass media and false consciousness. It is what makes sense in a disarming, happy way. We want people to be happy, right? And we want the most people to be happy and safe and free for the least discomfort. Generally this manifests in harmless things like the smoking ban. Some people lose, but generally everyone is better off. But occasionally, it is used to determine not the maximum amount of utility gained, but to find a solution where the minimum amount is lost. Everyone loses, but fewer people lose more.

So if there is a ticking bomb in a city of thousands, do you torture a few people to find out where it is and prevent massive loss of life? If an aircraft is hijacked over the capital, do you shoot it down to stop another 9/11? What is three hundred lives, unfortunate and horrible as it is, compared to three thousand?

If The Dispossessed gave me a realistic enough articulation of Anarchism, albeit set in the future in a heavily contrived scenario, and if The Left Hand of Darkness caused me to re-examine the way I looked at gender, then Moore's Watchmen smashed my naive childish hopes and reduced me to a pseudo-philosophical vegetable stewing in a mire of cynical loathing. Some poetic license may have been involved in the last sentence.

And so if you kill millions to save billions, you did the right thing, didn’t you?*

Ursula Le Guin – The Wind’s Twelve Quarters

Generally speaking, The Wind's Twelve Quarters is a decent collection of Science Fiction stories that doesn't dwell too much on the science. Nor is it the kind of trashy sci-fi associated with fanboys writing poor Star Wars offerings to Mary-Sue their way into Princess Leia's armoured bodice. It is much deeper than that. And while all of the stories in the book are good in their own right, one in particular stands out, and that is The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas

"The room is about three paces long and two wide: a mere broom closet or disused tool room. In the room, a child is sitting. It could be a boy or a girl. It looks about six, but actually is nearly ten. It is feeble-minded. Perhaps it was born defective, or perhaps it has become imbecile through fear, malnutrition, and neglect...  ...but the child, who has not always lived in the tool room, and can remember sunlight and its mother's voice, sometimes speaks. "I will be good, " it says. "Please let me out. I will be good!" ... ...The child used to scream for help at night, and cry a good deal, but now it only makes a kind of whining... It is so thin there are no calves to its legs; its belly protrudes; it lives on a half-bowl of corn meal and grease a day. It is naked. Its buttocks and thighs are a mass of festered sores, as it sits in its own excrement continually.

They all know it is there, all the people of Omelas. Some of them have come to see it, others are content merely to know it is there. They all know that it has to be there. Some of them understand why, and some do not, but they all understand that their happiness, the beauty of their city, the tenderness of their friendships, the health of their children, the wisdom of their scholars, the skill of their makers, even the abundance of their harvest and the kindly weathers of their skies, depend wholly on this child's abominable misery."


I first encountered The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas during a lecture on Political Morality at University, and like Watchmen, it was soul crushingly powerful. It is an extreme, contrived and ultimately unrealistic and overly simplistic view of things - that one child's continued torment and suffering is directly related to the good of the entire city.

But it strikes a deeper chord on two levels.

First, there is the temptation to see the citizens as horrible monsters, living out perfect lives on the back of one persons unending suffering. As I said, this is unrealistic and too simplistic. Omelas is a metaphor, reality is subtle. Then it creeps up on you. The news reels off a list of far off wars, natural disasters, corrupt dictatorships and impoverished millions. Charity adds run, begging for money to help improve conditions of someone, somewhere else. And you tune out, turn off the TV and go to bed. Tomorrow you have to go to work, or visit a sick relative. Perhaps a friend is feeling down over a breakup. Maybe you can't go out at the weekend because you're skint. We are not like the people in Omelas. Our lives are not perfect.

Imperfection is almost an excuse. We are not directly responsible for the suffering of others. We're just privileged to live where we are. We did not choose this life, and we do not perpetuate this world any more than the next door neighbour. We are innocent, we have our conscience. We know that what happens elsewhere is horrible. We are powerless. And so, by a series of excuses, by an unwillingness to accept our own role, we abscond any responsibility. The people of Omelas are monsters. Evil dictators, corrupt bankers and exploitative corporations are the wrongdoers. We are not. Our innocence is guaranteed. Inaction is not the same as guilt.

It's been a few years since I properly studied politics. I read through lecture notes last night and marvelled how I'd managed to write such in depth, well thought out complete bullshit in high academic language. So maybe there's an answer, but until someone tells it to me, the second problem is that I get a headache. We can postulate utopias. We can hypothesise on alternatives. We can demand change, but can we argue with "the greatest good for the greatest number"? Acting in that manner makes winners and it makes losers. Can we, in good conscience, remake the world to be the way we want it, and call it fair and just, and escape the charge of utilitarianism?  Shall we wish people away, because they stand in the way of progress? After all, we are creating a better world. We're stopping injustice, we are standing against oppression, bigotry, starvation, poverty. All that good stuff. But can we act without causing suffering? Can you truly create a world where no one loses?

The Wind's Twelve Quarters is a good book in of itself. I often find myself reading back through the pages. Semly's Necklace, Winter's King, Nine Lives, Vaster Than Empires... they're all pretty good. It is an enjoyable read, and I read some of it again last night when the introduction to Brave New World was too time consuming to bother with. There is only one story in the entire book I don't read anymore, because it used to keep me up at night.

* That's what I tell myself.

Tuesday 1 May 2012

The Reading List

For the sake of excessive length, this is a two-part post. Sue me. And happy Mayday, everyone.

I went to the library today, which in itself is unusual. Halifax Central Library, while staffed by wonderful people*, is unfortunately frequented by less than wonderful people. People who talk loudly, people who use their phone. People who leave me red-faced with rage over breaches of the social etiquette. People, I am reliably informed, who urinate in the lift and masturbate in the toilet.

To clarify, this is not a toilet.

Those people.

The kind of people best described as dregs of humanity. The bit in the bottom of the glass that’s gone flat and is full of spit and broken promises.

I don’t want to sound elitist, but libraries are for people like me, who generally appreciate the idea of a book, even if reading is one of those things that has become an annual tradition. They’re definitely not a social club for the worst members of society to congregate and do whatever illiterate peasants do when trapped in libraries. It must be horrible, surrounded by all of that knowledge and only able to gibber incomprehensively. Something I have yet to discover is what percentage of the screaming, phone wielding teenagers who fuck around on the top floor can actually read. And I am yet to fathom what they actually do there all day, and if they actually know where they are.

Anyway, long story short, it was a trap. I tried to print something off the computer and it cost a ridiculous amount of money because I hit print three times and ended up with the same sheet over and over and over again. Mea Culpa. To make myself feel better, I decided to get a book out, since the last one was so delicious I ate all of it. Then I thought, you know what, I’ll get two. Because I can always put the other one in the freezer when I get home.

Something went wrong, and I returned home with not two books, but eight. Five of which I had sent some hapless sod into the bowels of Hell to retrieve. She returned, staggering under a weight of ancient crumbling paper with a distinctive hunch associated with people who snivel and say ‘Yeth mathter!’. After depositing them on the desk, she retreated, bowing and squinting in the bright sunlight, obviously overcome by my passion for reading. In Calderdale, someone who reads more than twice a year is generally either a scientist or holy man.

So I figured today I would do a list of authors and their books that have helped shape me into the twisted bile-filled meatsack you all know. I decided on 7 Authors because it is more than six and less than eight, and it stops me revealing the boundaries of my cultural famine. Anyway, there is nothing better to write about at the moment.*

Charlie Brooker – The Hell of It All


Charlie’s hate fuelled diatribe is what inspired me to write A Clockwork Lemon, because it’s really easy to get angry about stuff, and fairly easy to remain funny while doing it. I know I’ll probably have a heart attack at 28 because you bastards feed on my anti-social warblings, but it’ll be worth it because then I’ll  be able to chase you through your nightmares.

The Hell of It All is a collection of Brooker’s Guardian articles between 2007 and 2009, if memory serves. No, I don’t have it with me. And yes, he is funnier than me. Go fuck yourself.

The thousand yard stare of someone who has eaten too much hate.


Terry Pratchett – Going Postal


Famous for his Discworld series, I refrained from reading any Pratchett until I was 24 because I heard about him when I was a super-serious twelve-year old and figured that anyone recommending a book to a twelve year old is probably a fool trying to get me to read the extended edition of The Very Hungry Catapillar. I couldn’t have been further from the truth.

I like Pratchett. His stories are good, and while they can be a bit silly sometimes, he has a great way of approaching topics and phrasing things. Recently, I finished The Fifth Elephant, in which the line ‘he was so far out of his depth the fish had lights on their noses’ had me in stitches for about ten minutes. And no, that is not sad.

I’ve read maybe a dozen Pratchett books now, but far and away my favourite is Going Postal, a story about a professional con-man who gets offered a second chance at life – to work for the city council restoring the postal service. It’s a great book, and features one of my favourite exchanges of all time, in which the benevolent tyrant Vetinari philosophically discusses the nature of Angels with the man he’s just had hung.

Judith Butler – Precarious Life


I first read Butler in my final year of university. The full title is ‘Precarious Life, Politics and the Power of Mourning’, which is guaranteed to get you some eye boggling stares on the train and make that dickhead reading the Da Vinci Code put his book away and gaze politely out of the window, with is a resounding victory for literature everywhere. Precarious Life is a book of political philosophy, about identity creation and loss. I read it specifically in relation to global terrorism but Bulter’s theories are more applicable to everyday social interaction between human beings. 

I’d like to go on, but it’s a political theory book and there isn’t really much more to it than that. If you like political philosophy, check it out. If you don’t, give it a miss. It’ll only be wasted on your tiny brain.

Neil Gaiman – The Sandman


The first of two graphic novel authors I really appreciate. I’ll dispense with any myths about graphic novels right now, in the least geeky way possible without making me sound like an overenthusiastic fanboy. Graphic novels are not comics. They are books with lots of pictures. While there is horrendous amount of trashy, badly written superhero X versus Y books out there featuring copious amounts of blood and tits, this does not invalidate the genre.

Gaiman has wrote a lot of stuff, and you’re more than likely going to be familiar with some of it. But the Sandman series is an easy favourite, despite the awesomeness of American Gods. The Sandman tells the story of Dream, an anthropomorphic manifestation of dreaming. Woven throughout the ten part series are his interactions with a series of reoccurring characters, exploring gender, sexuality, morality, ethics and of course, his big sister Death.


*Even if a few of them today looked suicidal.
* Politics having recently become such a giant pantomime that it has rendered parody a pointless medium.