Better to Reign in Hell

Britain to be 'overrun by daemons' by 2050

A leading right-wing think tank issued a stark warning to the government yesterday, stating that if current rates of immigration were left unchecked, the United Kingdom would have a majority population of foreign demonic entities by 2050.

"We have seen a rise in the number of middle eastern and Indian deamons crossing from France in the last five years. This has put a considerable strain on our traditional ghostly women standing in windows and horsemen galloping across the moors."

"If current immigration rates remain constant, we will be overrun by daemons in less than 40 years time."

The news has been criticised by senior Conservative Party Officials. Herbet Derbingham, MP for West Countryshire, commented.

"While my own stomping ground continues to provide fresh virgins for me to occasionally possess and contort into strange positions, some local businessmen in my constituency have found themselves unable to scream in the night and throw furniture across the room for fear of upsetting the Djin over in Elmswood."

"It is political correctness gone mad."

"Britain is a Christian nation, and as such, belongs to inhabitants of the Christian version of Hell."

Immigration topped the bill at a recent Conservative Party Conference.

Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, added.

"While we are well versed in performing exorcisms on British demons, we are not allowed to cast out deamons belonging to other cultures for fear of stirring up racial hatred."

"This has led to a number of incidents where denzins of the infernal plains have ran unchecked, most recently in Shrewsbury where a local farmer found his entire herd of cattle had galloped into a nearby reseveroir."

David Cameron played down criticisms as his forked tongue flickered in the air.

"Britain has a diverse collection of monsters, and we pride ourselves on being an nation almost entirely inhabited by souless abominations that feed on the anguish and suffering of others."

"If other culture's daemons wish to settle in Britain, that is fine. We will enjoy devouring their exotically flavoured souls."

Inner Workings

It is the sum of all fears. Ken Clarke has apparently found a way to liquidise himself and get right into the water supply like radiation from a dirty bomb. The Tory MP, of rape is sometimes not rape fame is undoubtedly contorting his leathery wrinkled face into something approaching manic euphoria. At least I imagine he would be if he wasn't a mummified cadaver dressed in a suit and was still capable of human emotions. Despite a UN resolution stating that 'Ken Clarke is not cool and everything he says is a lie', lots of people seem to be coming round to his point of view. Like I said, he's in the water or something.

Recently, it wouldn't be unfair to say the political weather has been 'a tad rapey'. Julian Assange has strenuously denied claims that he raped some people in Sweden and merely had sex with their unconscious bodies - something he has in common with Peter Sutcliffe. Getting your tackle into someone while they're out cold is generally considered a bit of a dickish thing to do, so Sweden are trying to extradite him back to their country, probably to black bag him and send him off to another country, but that's by the by.

Julian needed a friend, so step forward all-round good-guy George Galloway, a man so singularly unhelpful that people are afraid his support will undermine any good they're trying to accomplish. It is not unfair to say that everything he touches turns to ash. However, since Assange is locked in the Ecuadorian embassy, he could presumably only watch in horror as Galloway waded into the discussion like a maddened bear swinging a chainsaw at a children's tea-party.

Not helpful George.

If Julian was hoping that the issue of rape would maybe go away and take a short holiday somewhere warm and tropical, he was disappointed because Galloway has held it on the front page of news websites like misplaced superglue. The ensuring media carnage from George's hamfisted attempts at help are further proof that having him on your side is like passing a machinegun to a three-year old and asking him to 'watch your back.'

Galloway, of the ironically named 'Respect Party', said that it was "bad etiquette" not to ask someones permission before having sex with them, but didn't quite manage to make the small step to confirming "because it's rape", but instead just left it there. It is bad manners to go all in on someone while they're asleep, but it isn't legitimate rape, apparently. Fortunately for George, there is an Official Guide to Legitimate Rape in this brilliant article from Jezebel.

Sadly, Jezebel isn't responding to Galloway - a man who crawled around pretending to be a cat just so people would notice him - but is instead having a shot at Todd Akin, a dude who missed his obvious calling as a gynaecologist and instead became a GOP senator. Mr. Akin said in a press conference that in cases of 'Legitimate Rape' a women's body automatically goes into self defence mode, complete with lasers and stuff, and shuts down all the 'bad' sperm so that she doesn't get pregnant. And even if she did get pregnant - says Akin - we should punish the rapist, and not punish the child. But presumably punish the victim, too, by denying her an abortion. Just in case it wasn't legit (obviously)...

But the acidic sperm-melting secretions are not the only natural defence mechanism a woman has against pregnancy. According to Henry Aldridge, "The facts show that people who are raped — who are truly raped — the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work and they don't get pregnant. Medical authorities agree that this is a rarity, if ever." If the poison-ducts don't work, the female body dries up inside like a shrivelled prune and becomes a desolate wilderness devoid of anything related to babies. But only in genuine cases. All you need to worry about now is if you've been truly raped or not. Please consult your rape handbook for further advice.

Or just ask Ken Clarke, Todd Akin, George Galloway or Henry Aldridge. I'm sure a bunch of old men can tell you.

Summing It Up

Danny Boyle Blasted Over 'Gross Misrepresentation' of Britain

Conservative MPs and right wing bloggers blasted Olympic Master of Ceremonies Danny Boyle last week over allegations that he had grossly misrepresented Britain in the Olympic opening ceremony.

"Boyle's fairytale dream of a progressive, diverse and optimistic Britain could not be further from the truth," said MP Herbert Derbingham for West Countryshire.

"It was nothing more than socialist hogwash, glorifying multiculturalism and the public sector while completely washing over our proud heritage of racism, imperialism and collective self-delusion."

"What we should have done was something more in keeping with our national identity. I wanted to see glorious aspects of our culture represented fairly. Cold callers offering insurance, rundown trains filled with bigoted rugby fans, the crash of a thousand boots exemplifying the relentless march of reality television. There could have been a touching portrayal of how daily life has been reduced to a pointless struggle to ensure your ipad is flatter and blacker than the devices of your colleagues."

"In the earlier drafts there was a fantastic light and sound exhibition which was supposed to represent George Osborne hungrily devouring a human soul of exceptional purity, but it was dropped because of 'Political Correctness' and concerns it might upset people. Particularly the grunting, slurping noises and the unworldly screaming which rends the soul and sends chills down the spine."

Boyle was criticised for failing to portray the mind-snapping horror of 21st century Britain.

"At no point did we celebrate the innovative feral cunning of our burgeoning subhuman underclass. We did not laud the self-absorbed ignorance that thrives in our yuppie colonies. Not a single second was dedicated to the bovine stupidity of our 60 million drones. Instead we got something about the NHS, which was really not appropriate. People have died in hospitals. I don't think that's anything to be proud of."

"Boyle had an opportunity to show the world the putrid cancer eating at the heart of our society, but because he's a communist he had to pretend like we're not all on an express elevator to hell."