The Sad Truth

Suicide Up Amongst Readers of '50 Shades of Grey'.

A report published by leading psychiatrists, pathologists and government officials has described a worrying trend in suicides linked to reading E L James' erotic novel series - Fifty Shades.

Citing a 400% increase in deaths this week, the Government has vowed  to act against sale and distribution of the book.

"These figures do not even begin to account for all deaths," said a spokesperson for the Home Secretary's Office. "Only the ones that can directly place a copy of Fifty Shades at the scene of the incident."

'The prose is so terrible it apparently drives people mad with rage.'

"While professionally speaking, we try to avoid using the word 'mad', readers of Fifty Shades can experience considerable dizziness, tiredness and sense of 'wrongness', as if the all of the angles in the house had shifted slightly. In some cases, this can develop into sanity reduction, memory loss, depression and anger, in extreme scenarios - psychosis." Said professor MacFreud of the British Association of Therapists.

James has been criticized by interest groups for making a noose look suggestive.

Single mother Jenny Patrick, 41, described her near-death experience.

"I had just started reading Fifty Shades Darker," she said. "I'd been experiencing headaches and dizziness for several days after the first book. It was late at night and I was having a glass of wine and I reached the point where Anastasia is rambling on about her 'inner goddess doing the dance of the seven veils' and I thought 'You know what, Jenny, between this and the Olympics I don't see a point anymore'. I don't remember much after that but my son had come home from work and wrestled a high-caliber pistol out of my mouth."

Neighbour Frank Bottomly witnessed the drama.

"It was about 10pm when the police showed up. Before long there were paramedics there as well. It's a quiet street, not much happens around here, but one officer told me there had been an incident at number five. I asked if this was something to do with Fifty Shades of Grey and he told me he couldn't comment, but his eyes had taken on a haunted expression."

"The wife and I burned our copy weeks ago." He continued, "I know you won't believe me, but when we threw it in the fire it started screaming. To say the noise was not of this world would be an understatement of intense severity."

The report comes in the wake of a shooting in Waterstones Compton by a man dressed as Christian Grey. According to eyewithness reports, the shooter - named locally as Terry Holdsworth - entered the store brandishing a Kalashnikov rifle and said in a sultry voice, "I'm going to put this inside you", before opening fire.

Interventionalism

Don't Send 'Our Boys' to London, Mothers plead.

Mothers of British service personnel called up to provide security at the Olympic Games have urged Defence Secretary Philip Hammond to reconsider sending troops to the troubled area.

"It's any mother's worst nightmare," confided Sarah Jones, who's son David is in the Yorkshire regiment. "I am proud my lad signed up to serve his country, but I'm just not sure we should be there."

"I don't like it," admitted David, "But it's the job I chose to do. Personally, I'd rather take my chances getting shot at by coked up ragheads in Afghanistan, but I've been assigned to help out at the Olympics."

"The tube is going to be a nightmare," he sighed.
 
France and Germany have hit out at proposed intervention, stating that the United Kingdom 'does not have a mandate for this conflict', and urging the government to act in the best interests of global stability.

Earlier today, the UN Security Council failed to reach a decision over the ongoing Olympic drama.

A Cabinet spokesperson issued a statement, replying to the French and German ambassadors, stating that "...every civilized nation had a duty to act to bring an end to the terrible suffering endured by seven million Londoners."

The spokesperson would not clarify if that would extend to regime change, but one insider remarked,

"There has been a lot of speculation over Boris Johnson recently. I think it is fair to say that he is dangerously unhinged, and poses a significant threat the the international community."

Critics have hit out at government plans to deploy 18,000 personnel to the capital in order to cover the twelve-day Games. The protest group, "Bombs not Bag-Searches"  have issued a fourteen page document outlining the risks posed to soldiers serving in London. These risks include dodgy take-aways, unintelligible cockney accents, 'them faggets (sic) in Soho' and a particularly confusing road-system designed pin soldiers down in a congestion zone before ambushing them with ludicrous penalties. It also 'gets a bit hairy' in certain parts of West London at night, but acknowledges that soldiers training and discipline should ensure minimum casualties and confirmed that the standard pattern SA80 combat rifle is 'pretty tasty during a mugging.'
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"Boris is mad, and intervention could get a lot of our boys killed," Ethan Haw, secretary of "Bombs not Bag-Searches"  told us.

"Once again, the average squaddie finds himself facing a situation he did not create, far from home and in a place he has no vested interest in."

The Military Wives Choir - who rose to prominence last Christmas - have recorded a song entitled, "Baby Don't Go (To London)." Proceeds from the sale will be donated to a fund helping soldiers who attended the Royal Jubilee to rebuild the shattered ruins of their lives.

The Technological Age

Upcoming Hobbit Film to be Screened in Exciting New 9D.

The Hobbit - prequel to blockbuster hit Lord of the Rings based on the book by by JRR Tolkien - will be screened in 9D, it has been claimed.

There has been a recent upsurge in films being screened in 3D as more technology becomes available. Some enterprising screenings - such as Spy Kids 4 - have been described as 4D, providing the audience with scratch and sniff cards to enable the viewer extra immersion in the film. The Hobbit aims to go further, as director Peter Jackson explains.

"Using experimental military technology, we have enabled discerning cinema-goers who desire a more realistic experience to view the film in 9 dimensions," said Mr. Jackson. "We're not at liberty to discuss exactly how this will happen, but it won't involve those inconvenient glasses that have to be worn for the 3D experience we are all familiar with."

Scientists have voiced concerns that the human mind is too fragile to endure perception in 9 dimensions.

It is rumoured that cinema-goers will be able to taste the actors thoughts.

Jackson played down reports that in laboratory tests, mice subjected to a 9D trailer for The Hobbit had ran in circles for a short period of time before appearing to 'psychologically leave the mortal plane and transcend time and space' before 'melting down into a marmalade-like substance and forming a single unitary consciousness'.

"Mice are mice," said the director. "Who knows why they do stuff."

"We tested it on this guy called Rudy Eugene in Florida and he was fine. Said he enjoyed it."

Divine Judgement

Poseidon 'monumentally pissed-off', say Witchdoctors.

Leading witchdoctors and superstitious peasants continued aquatic themed rituals last night in order to appease Poseidon, amid fears that extreme weather encountered by parts of the United Kingdom is directly linked to lapsed worship of the Greek sea-god.

"He is very, very angry." Whispered deluded serf Terry Holdsworth from the Midlands.

In Todmorden, West Yorkshire, local residents drowned three horses in a nearby canal in an effort to be spared a repeat of the torrential flooding that devastated large areas of the Calder Valley two weeks ago.

"The Lord of Foam and Brine hath stretched out his trident and smote us for our hubris," declared local cult leader Donald Greenwood. "The sacrifice must be restored. Only then can we return to the rivers and canals and feast beneath the waters in glory everlasting."

Flood warnings and alerts remain in place across large parts of the United Kingdom.

Residents of Hebden Bridge were forced to smoke their marijuana indoors.

In Newcastle, the local council responded to a flash flood by rounding up the city's homeless as an offering.  They were lashed to a derelict barge before being towed out to sea and set ablaze. The aroma was said to be pleasing unto the waves.

"We shall not mourn for them," said local MP Bob Partridge, "They belong to Poseidon now."

"I was skeptical at first,"  continued Mr. Partridge, "but I've lived in the North East all my life and I've never seen weather like it. It was almost like the wind and rain had come alive."

"We have a long association with the sea up here in Newcastle. With the decline of the shipbuilding industry caused by the Thatcher government, people's faith in the old ways wavered and was replaced by heroin abuse and Special Brew. We have not been keeping up with the appropriate libations."

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams has stated that he remains 'open minded' about the existence of the King of the Drowned Halls.

"As a Christian, I'm obviously a little dubious about the existence of a pantheon of old gods. It opens up a whole debate on other polytheistic religions."

"What I will say is that it is almost certainly linked to the issue of gay marriage. I know the Greeks were fairly keen on homosexuality but this recent maelstrom has proven that Poseidon definitely isn't."

Goodbye George

Lonesome George 'tasted delicious', confirms Heston.

 The last giant tortoise of the subspecies Chelonoidis nigra abingdoni, nicknamed 'Lonesome George', has died.

George's preserved cadaver was passed to Heston Blumenthal, who won a celebrity chef competition to cook and eat the tortoise. He 'tasted delicious', said Mr. Blumenthal.

"To prepare George, we first had to crack that tough natural shell," explained Heston, "We repeatedly fired him into a brick wall using a medieval trebuchet. After the third or fourth attempt, we finally got him open. After that, it was just a case of preparation."

"After a couple of thousand rotations on a centrifuge machine - commonly used for training astronauts - the meat was nice and tender. I was going for a spicy Indian curry, influenced by the traditional Scottish dish of haggis. After stuffing George full of rice and my special recipe sauce, I marinated him for two days in a mixture of polystyrene and unleaded petrol, before giving him a good flambe, just to make him that little bit more leathery."

"It was possibly the tastiest curry I've ever had".

George was then served to twenty selected guests at Blumenthal's exclusive Fat Duck Restaurant, alongside fresh stone-baked naan bread 

Despite looking like a penis crossed with a hermit crab, George was a reluctant hit with the elite diners.

Not everyone was convinced by Blumenthal's unorthodox approach to cooking George.

"I'd rather someone like Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall did it," said VIP Guest Sarah Taylor. "I admit, River Cottage annoys me with it's cringingly false rustic facade, but Hugh himself is fairly normal. Heston is fucking insane. The man terrifies me. No one should pack explosives into a wedding cake. I hope the police are keeping their eye on him."

"The dish itself was nothing special. It reminded me of the time I had a few too many in one of Soho's expensive niche clubs, before stumbling into the Pride of India down Hackney for a cheeky Madras."

"Long story short, it was like eating a badly prepared takeaway out of a handbag."

Be Prepared

Olympic Security Boosted by Giant Robot

Security at the London 2012 games has been bolstered today after ministers confirmed they were in the final stages of commissioning a giant fighting robot.

“It is simply marvelous,” said Defence Secretary Philip Hammond. “It cost nearly the entire budget, and is the fruition of ten years worth of army supply shortages.”

“It’s completely environmentally friendly too.”

The meat-powered warmachine is rumoured to maintain operational for extended periods by ‘eating’ the poor, an inexhaustible source of renewable energy.

“It basically just sucks them up, tracksuits and all” confirmed Mr. Hammond.

“Obviously we cannot go into details about exact technical specifications, but it has reinforced armour-plate and is armed with a considerable amount of firepower, including surface to air missiles, a huge chainsaw arm and flame-throwers for eyes.”

The two-hundred foot metal behemoth, carved in the likeness of Margaret Thatcher, is to be deployed in an effort to combat terrorism, as well as threats from outer-space and gigantic Japanese lizards which could cause “considerable disruption” to the Games.

The 2008 Bejing Olympics was marred by a fight between Godzilla and King Kong.

Little more is known about the robot, which has been christened “Her Majesty’s Worldfucker”, apart from that it has two giant amplifiers mounted on the shoulders and a fifty-foot George Cross covering the torso. In test-runs, it has been blasting out ‘Jerusalem’ whilst stomping around Exmoor annihilating targets with contemptuous ease.

“We are prepared right up till the Second Coming of Christ,” added the Defence Secretary.

It has been described by army-chiefs as “a supreme example of Britain’s cutting edge military hardware” and “fucking sweet.”

A Matter of Perspective

Church to Stand Fast on Issue of Ginger Marriage

The Church of England has issued a statement today citing it's opposition to proposed legislation allowing ginger people to marry.


Currently, people with hair described as 'ginger', 'strawberry blond' or 'kissed by fire' are allowed to join in civil partnerships, but are not legally allowed to wed.

"For hundreds of years, redheads have been associated with witchcraft and satanic ritual," said Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, "to permit them to marry would be a crime against God and nature."

"To clarify," the Archbishop continued, "this is an ecumenical matter for the Church. If two sinful abominations wish to flaunt their commitment to devil worship in public, then that is a matter for the state. But they have no place in a house of God."

"We have some redheads in our congregations, but all have been thoroughly screened by throwing them into a river beforehand. We had trained lifeguards ready to retrieve those that sunk, and we burnt the ones that floated. May God have mercy on their souls."

Ginger people can currently flout the ban by dyeing their hair and renouncing Satan and all his works.

Some Tory MP's have threatened to vote against any move to permit gingers to marry if the government attempts to carry the proposals into law.

"A few years ago we let left-handed people marry, and it has been an unmitigated disaster," said Herbert Derbingham of West Countryshire. "Unemployment is up, knife crime and drug abuse is out of control amongst our youth, and I'm pretty sure Hitler was left-handed, although I wouldn't be able to offer much in the way of hard evidence"

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to vote against any motion to allow gingers to marry." Mr Derbingham added, "there are just too many consequences that we, as a nation, are not ready to deal with."