Divine Judgement

Poseidon 'monumentally pissed-off', say Witchdoctors.

Leading witchdoctors and superstitious peasants continued aquatic themed rituals last night in order to appease Poseidon, amid fears that extreme weather encountered by parts of the United Kingdom is directly linked to lapsed worship of the Greek sea-god.

"He is very, very angry." Whispered deluded serf Terry Holdsworth from the Midlands.

In Todmorden, West Yorkshire, local residents drowned three horses in a nearby canal in an effort to be spared a repeat of the torrential flooding that devastated large areas of the Calder Valley two weeks ago.

"The Lord of Foam and Brine hath stretched out his trident and smote us for our hubris," declared local cult leader Donald Greenwood. "The sacrifice must be restored. Only then can we return to the rivers and canals and feast beneath the waters in glory everlasting."

Flood warnings and alerts remain in place across large parts of the United Kingdom.

Residents of Hebden Bridge were forced to smoke their marijuana indoors.

In Newcastle, the local council responded to a flash flood by rounding up the city's homeless as an offering.  They were lashed to a derelict barge before being towed out to sea and set ablaze. The aroma was said to be pleasing unto the waves.

"We shall not mourn for them," said local MP Bob Partridge, "They belong to Poseidon now."

"I was skeptical at first,"  continued Mr. Partridge, "but I've lived in the North East all my life and I've never seen weather like it. It was almost like the wind and rain had come alive."

"We have a long association with the sea up here in Newcastle. With the decline of the shipbuilding industry caused by the Thatcher government, people's faith in the old ways wavered and was replaced by heroin abuse and Special Brew. We have not been keeping up with the appropriate libations."

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams has stated that he remains 'open minded' about the existence of the King of the Drowned Halls.

"As a Christian, I'm obviously a little dubious about the existence of a pantheon of old gods. It opens up a whole debate on other polytheistic religions."

"What I will say is that it is almost certainly linked to the issue of gay marriage. I know the Greeks were fairly keen on homosexuality but this recent maelstrom has proven that Poseidon definitely isn't."