Having posted one rather self-indulgent update about my favourite computer game of the last two years, I'm now going to do one about my favourite film - possibly of all time - apart from Se7en, Fight Club, Animalypmics and the Land Before Time (the first one, not the subsequent ones). This film is Repo! The Genetic Opera, and I'm going to tell you why it is so fantastic.
Repo! is little heard of cult classic. It arrives in your lap purely by morbid curiousity and word of mouth, or word of internet generally. It stars Anthony Steward Head as the titular Repoman, Alexa Vega as his sick daughter, Terrance Zdunich as the narrative 'Graverobber', Paul Sorvino as the evil mafia-style baddie, and inspired choices such as Sarah Brightman playing an opera singer and Paris Hilton playing a rich, spoilt, talentless prostitue and drug addict. Interested?
Repo! The Genetic Opera, is a muscial. Or possibly an Opera, depending on who you ask, although the infrequent talking and use of cartoons mark it less as The Marriage of Figaro and a little bit (only vaugely, mind) like the Sound of Music with bucketloads of gore. Now I don't want to tell you much more. Its one of those things you're just going to have to watch.
Set in a dystopian future, humanity has suffered massive organ failure and a fabulously evil bio-tech company called 'Geneco' has come to the rescue selling organs with payment plans. Unfortunately, much like owning that car you can't afford, if you don't make the payments Geneco dispatches one of its legal assassins to find you, and well, cut out your spleen or something. The story focus' on Nathan Wallace (Head, Buffy the Vampire Slayer), a Geneco employee, his alternative persona, the Repoman, and his relationship with his daughter - Shilo (Alexa, Spy Kids). Set against this is Rotti (Sorvino, Goodfellas), and his despicable and insane children Luigi (Bill Moseley, Devil's Rejects), Pavi (Ogre, Skinny Puppy), and Amber (Hilton, 1 Night in Paris).
Unravelling through the film is the past relationship between Nathan and his deceased wife, Marni - friend of Mag (Brightman) and former lover Rotti. The plot unfolds in a dark and fantastically twisted manner with an ending that would make Shakespeare beam with pride if he wasn't busy vomiting noisly when someone's face falls off. Head is fantastic as the tortured Nathan with an evil split-personality, and having a fantastic singing voice, and Sorvino may as well have been born into the role of evil mafia-style Geneco owner, probably as a result of his role in Goodfellas. Brightman, obviously, does her role as a refined, beautiful and tragic opera singer very well while Zdunich narrates the twisting and changing plot with a style and enthusiasm that you can expect from the guy who co-wrote it with Darren Smith. The other cast all perform their roles well, and a special mention must go to Hilton, who I had previously viewed as being a complete fleshwaste. Her portrayal of a shallow, spoilt, drug atticted, sex-crazed, rich heiress is very believable. Although the small dog is absent from her side.
Repo! is one of those films that you really have to watch. It is a masterpiece of little fame, and much better than the Jude Law spinoff (Repomen) which more than vaugely resembles the premise of Repo! only done badly. And with Jude Law. I'll finish with a favourite teaser of mine, which doesn't even come close to summarizing the awesomeness Repo! The Genetic Opera, but still.
"Why are they doing this?"
"The man on the left is insane. The man on the right is wearing someone else's face."
Thursday 30 September 2010
Thursday 23 September 2010
The Gears Keep Grinding
Continuing the theme of senseless violence perpertrated by two equally guilty parties without any particularly good reason, I'm now going to bringten the mood somewhat by discussing my favourite computer game (for lack of anything better to do) - Gears of War, or more specifically, Gears of War 2.
The GoW franchise has struck a particular chord with me. Not because of the needless amounts of well animated senseless violence, but for the political undertones it carries with it. Alright, I'll bite, it is exactly for the needless amounts of well animated senseless violence, since there is not really any other way to enjoy this game - as I will discuss - but it does have a certain amount of parallels with the not-as-sucessfully-marketed "Global War on Terror", which has yet to become a computer game. Fortunately.
Gears of War is set on the planet of Sera in the presumably distant future. For no particular reason, mankind (whom we shall now refer to as 'America') was attacked for no good reason, without warning, in a cataclysmic event called Emergence Day (which we shall now refer to as 9/11) by hordes of religiously motivated, souless monsters (Terrorists et all) with nothing better to do than destroy America - sorry, I mean mankind - because, well, they're the baddies. Anyway, after 9/11, mankind responds by using orbital space lasers to destroy most of the world because if you've got orbital space cannons, you might as well.
This didn't really work as well as planned, because these guys - called 'the Locust' but simply resembling rather muscular albinos like that guy from the Da Vinci Code - are fanatically driven and live in caves not unlike the Taliban. All out global carnage ensues in which mankind's very survival is threatened by the ability of the terrorists to strike anywhere in the world due to their extensive tunnel network, and to target civilians indiscriminately and attack hospitals and stuff. Humanity, united under one colossal dickhead called Prescott (or Bush, I forget) and his 'Coalition of Ordered Governments' (CoG in game. 'Coalitions of the Willing' in real life) launches its desperate counterattack (the War on Terror) called by drilling into the Locust tunnels and taking the fight to them deep underground amongst giant pools of a substance called 'Immulsion', which is not paint as we first suspected, but extremely valuable and expensive fuel. Oil, if you like.
So yeah...
Apart from the fact that Gears of War reminds me a little too much of the very real carnage that's been unfolding for ten years, the game is fairly like any other game. You command a seemingly superhuman Space Marine with a huge gun (complete with - and this cannot be stressed enough - a chainsaw) as he destroys hordes of inhuman monsters who worship something stupid and alien. Like a giant worm, or something. And they want to exterminate mankind. If this sounds a bit like Halo, it is and it isn't. You can't jump in Gears of War 2, which makes it very different because you actually have to play a duck-and-cover game, rather than Halo which is more of a Sci-Fi freerunning game like Mirror's Edge but with more shooting. But I digress.
Plotwise, Gears of War has all the plot of a generic action film. Plot is something that occasionaly serves as a further excuse to kill larger groups of enemies and go to different locations to do so. The basic plot was summarized above, but there are a few of important distinctions from the War on Terror. Not least, the participants have no discernable personality, instead relying on huge muscles and a variety of different swearwords to get them by, which kind of makes them hard to sympathise with.
Sure, some can argue that Cole has a personality insofar as he constantly refers to being an American football player, and Dom whines a lot about his wife until he slugs her in the head with a large caliber handgun, but generally its impossible to have a lot of sympathy for the Gears, especially the ones that turn up and die. Like the Carmine brothers, or that super-hard-space-Buddhist that disappears for fifteen real-time minutes and emerges as a broken man who immediately commits suicide at the first given opportunity. You know, that one with the funny name who you struggle to remember because he was such a massive disappointment. Yeah, him.
Other important distinctions from the WoT involve being swallowed by a giant worm that is worshipped as a god, then ramming a chainsaw into each of its three hearts before hacking your way out in a river of gore. Later in the game, you steal a dinosaur that is covered in guns and when it mutates into a tentacled horror, you use it as a giant bomb to destroy a city. This is after you have fought the Predator in a tense chainsaw duel. Also the goodies have the Weapons of Mass Destruction, but then again I don't suppose that is too different from the War on Terror.
Gameplay wise, GoW is a non-stop action fest. What it lacks in credible plot, character development, originality and political neutrality it makes up for in spades of violence. Without any real interesting dialogue to get in the way, and the plot largely revolving around a huge gun strapped to some humourless organ-sack, the game can begin in earnest. From turning the X-box on to engaging 'Horde mode' takes approximately 140 seconds, after which you can begin to messily dismember things with a chainsaw, stick grenades to people, burn hairless monkeys with a flamethrower, gas enemy religious leaders and make heads explode like an overripe watermelon. The weather and lighting is generally fair, with the slight chance of dourpours of limbs occassionally, depending on how you chose to annihilate the enemy, and you might find your field of fire impaired somewhat by mounds of corpses that helpfully disappear after about a minute, allowing you to keep on killing.
The controls are easy to grasp. Right back is fire, left back is aim (sometimes optional). Right trigger will reload your gun, left trigger will do nothing. X will open doors and pull levers and stuff, and Y will focus on interesting things occasionally. A will get you stuck to cover like Iron Man fighting in a field of magnets, which is pretty important. It also makes you run and roll. X, Y, and B will all dismember wounded enemies - stamping on their head, using the rifle as a golf club and punching them apart. B, importantly, lets you utilize the chainsaw to make arms and stuff come off.
All in all, Gears of War is a fantastic game if all you want to do is switch off and kill stuff really messily. Casual mode is exactly that - running around with almost impunity and killing as you go - whereas any other difficulty setting will beat your ass harder than the oft missed corporal punishment. But with up to five players, that's cool. Online play is as it should be - a veritable nightmare in which unseen enemies turn you into dog food while you plead for them to be kinder to the newbie. But unfortunately, there is no mercy, and with a maximum respawn wait of only about 10 seconds, the war continues with unabated enthusiasm.
The GoW franchise has struck a particular chord with me. Not because of the needless amounts of well animated senseless violence, but for the political undertones it carries with it. Alright, I'll bite, it is exactly for the needless amounts of well animated senseless violence, since there is not really any other way to enjoy this game - as I will discuss - but it does have a certain amount of parallels with the not-as-sucessfully-marketed "Global War on Terror", which has yet to become a computer game. Fortunately.
Gears of War is set on the planet of Sera in the presumably distant future. For no particular reason, mankind (whom we shall now refer to as 'America') was attacked for no good reason, without warning, in a cataclysmic event called Emergence Day (which we shall now refer to as 9/11) by hordes of religiously motivated, souless monsters (Terrorists et all) with nothing better to do than destroy America - sorry, I mean mankind - because, well, they're the baddies. Anyway, after 9/11, mankind responds by using orbital space lasers to destroy most of the world because if you've got orbital space cannons, you might as well.
This didn't really work as well as planned, because these guys - called 'the Locust' but simply resembling rather muscular albinos like that guy from the Da Vinci Code - are fanatically driven and live in caves not unlike the Taliban. All out global carnage ensues in which mankind's very survival is threatened by the ability of the terrorists to strike anywhere in the world due to their extensive tunnel network, and to target civilians indiscriminately and attack hospitals and stuff. Humanity, united under one colossal dickhead called Prescott (or Bush, I forget) and his 'Coalition of Ordered Governments' (CoG in game. 'Coalitions of the Willing' in real life) launches its desperate counterattack (the War on Terror) called by drilling into the Locust tunnels and taking the fight to them deep underground amongst giant pools of a substance called 'Immulsion', which is not paint as we first suspected, but extremely valuable and expensive fuel. Oil, if you like.
So yeah...
Apart from the fact that Gears of War reminds me a little too much of the very real carnage that's been unfolding for ten years, the game is fairly like any other game. You command a seemingly superhuman Space Marine with a huge gun (complete with - and this cannot be stressed enough - a chainsaw) as he destroys hordes of inhuman monsters who worship something stupid and alien. Like a giant worm, or something. And they want to exterminate mankind. If this sounds a bit like Halo, it is and it isn't. You can't jump in Gears of War 2, which makes it very different because you actually have to play a duck-and-cover game, rather than Halo which is more of a Sci-Fi freerunning game like Mirror's Edge but with more shooting. But I digress.
Plotwise, Gears of War has all the plot of a generic action film. Plot is something that occasionaly serves as a further excuse to kill larger groups of enemies and go to different locations to do so. The basic plot was summarized above, but there are a few of important distinctions from the War on Terror. Not least, the participants have no discernable personality, instead relying on huge muscles and a variety of different swearwords to get them by, which kind of makes them hard to sympathise with.
Sure, some can argue that Cole has a personality insofar as he constantly refers to being an American football player, and Dom whines a lot about his wife until he slugs her in the head with a large caliber handgun, but generally its impossible to have a lot of sympathy for the Gears, especially the ones that turn up and die. Like the Carmine brothers, or that super-hard-space-Buddhist that disappears for fifteen real-time minutes and emerges as a broken man who immediately commits suicide at the first given opportunity. You know, that one with the funny name who you struggle to remember because he was such a massive disappointment. Yeah, him.
Other important distinctions from the WoT involve being swallowed by a giant worm that is worshipped as a god, then ramming a chainsaw into each of its three hearts before hacking your way out in a river of gore. Later in the game, you steal a dinosaur that is covered in guns and when it mutates into a tentacled horror, you use it as a giant bomb to destroy a city. This is after you have fought the Predator in a tense chainsaw duel. Also the goodies have the Weapons of Mass Destruction, but then again I don't suppose that is too different from the War on Terror.
Gameplay wise, GoW is a non-stop action fest. What it lacks in credible plot, character development, originality and political neutrality it makes up for in spades of violence. Without any real interesting dialogue to get in the way, and the plot largely revolving around a huge gun strapped to some humourless organ-sack, the game can begin in earnest. From turning the X-box on to engaging 'Horde mode' takes approximately 140 seconds, after which you can begin to messily dismember things with a chainsaw, stick grenades to people, burn hairless monkeys with a flamethrower, gas enemy religious leaders and make heads explode like an overripe watermelon. The weather and lighting is generally fair, with the slight chance of dourpours of limbs occassionally, depending on how you chose to annihilate the enemy, and you might find your field of fire impaired somewhat by mounds of corpses that helpfully disappear after about a minute, allowing you to keep on killing.
The controls are easy to grasp. Right back is fire, left back is aim (sometimes optional). Right trigger will reload your gun, left trigger will do nothing. X will open doors and pull levers and stuff, and Y will focus on interesting things occasionally. A will get you stuck to cover like Iron Man fighting in a field of magnets, which is pretty important. It also makes you run and roll. X, Y, and B will all dismember wounded enemies - stamping on their head, using the rifle as a golf club and punching them apart. B, importantly, lets you utilize the chainsaw to make arms and stuff come off.
All in all, Gears of War is a fantastic game if all you want to do is switch off and kill stuff really messily. Casual mode is exactly that - running around with almost impunity and killing as you go - whereas any other difficulty setting will beat your ass harder than the oft missed corporal punishment. But with up to five players, that's cool. Online play is as it should be - a veritable nightmare in which unseen enemies turn you into dog food while you plead for them to be kinder to the newbie. But unfortunately, there is no mercy, and with a maximum respawn wait of only about 10 seconds, the war continues with unabated enthusiasm.
Monday 20 September 2010
A Burning Question
Any good political commentator, blogger or journalist would have commented on the Koran burning day hosted by Pastor Terry Jones over the September 11th period. Like I said, a good blogger. Since it has been 19 days since I last updated, and over a week since the 9/11 rememberance service, I guess that doesn't make me a good blogger. So if you're reading this, you're a guillible fool.
The Koran burning, for those who have been living in a cave for the past ten years - which will ironically include Osama bin Laden - was supposed to be in protest at the proposed building of a 'Mosque' at Ground Zero. The astute reader will of course know that the proposed 'Ground Zero Mosque' is less a Mosque and more a recreational family centre, and its not at Ground Zero, but fundamentalists have a fantastic way of forgetting both fact, constitutional law, and the feelings of people directly involved. In the whole silly mess of free speech, fundamentalism and shifting goalposts, I think its important to get a bit of perspective.
So to start with, Terry - or Tezza, as I prefer to call him (for no particular reason) - decides he wants to burn the Koran because, well, being honest, burning things is really cool. Infact, you know what, here's a link to the first website I found using my awesome google fu and total enthusiasm for life (which just about enables me to get out of bed in an afternoon, so don't expect much).
Sky News says: Korans, whut?
So, in reaction to the 9/11 attacks which, in honesty, were rather grim, Jones wants a burning. Later on, when he 'suspends' and then cancels the International Burn a Koran day, he states that he wanted to prove that radical Islam has 'a destructive nature'. Of course, bears also have potential to be violent, and I encourage anyone who doubts this to go deliberately provoke one just to see what happens. A big one. A grizzly.
So Jones fights fundamentalism with fundamentalism, which is not something that has been particularly tried since sometime between the Crusades and the advent of laser guided bombs and 'Axis of Evil' nations. The response is rather predicable. Everyone gets annoyed. To prove that they're perfectly reasonable people, Afghans burn an effigy of Barack Obama in response, which I suppose is a bit better than burning a Bible or something, giving them a kind of perverse moral highground over Terry in the 'how crazy can you be' race. And to prove that it is a stable and functioning democracy, the Afghan police start shooting at people. Frankly, no one really wins.
Anyway, free speech is one of those things that is dragged into disrepute again. So this abstract ideal, originally intended to protect the citizen from the prevailing ideology and dogma is now used to excuse funamentalist stupidity. A fundamental mistake (da dum cha). Oh fate, how cruel you are. The thing about free speech, without wanting to sound a little Blairite (because frankly, the association makes me want to rub vomit in my eyes), is that you've got to measure yourself and have a modicum of respect. Now, free speech is a wonderful thing if it is used correctly. Criticising religious dogma, governments, fundamentalism, poor internet bloggers and Glenn Beck is all fine. Because you can at least direct it with a degree of indivudality and reduce the collateral damage that would come about as a result of using it as an excuse to just insult everyone vaguely associated with your chosen beef. Pastor Terry Jones has not done this particularly well, whereas the effigy burning Afghans were getting at least some of it right before they started chanting "Death to America!" but hey, you can't have it all.
In conclusion, I'm going to have to jump on the bandwagon (a ship that well and turely sailed about a week ago) in saying that Mr. Jones is a stupid small minded bigot. But once again, the issue of free speech still hasn't been addressed. The problem is not with free speech, its with idiots. Unfortunately, we've always had idiots long before we could say whatever we liked because it was our right to do so. I'm not against free speech. I'm in favour of a bit more self moderation. Or maybe a happy naivity that you could separate the stupid from the more informed and intelligent kinds of protest. But that's their perogative, I suppose. If you want to look at a decent religion, take Buddhism for example. Next time Terry Jones has a religious issue he wants addressing with fire, he should follow the great example of Thích Quảng Đức. After all, nothing encourages people to take your protest seriously like self-immolation, because its obvious that if you've gone and set yourself on fire, you're pretty convinced that something needs doing. Also, it doesn't irritate anyone.
The Koran burning, for those who have been living in a cave for the past ten years - which will ironically include Osama bin Laden - was supposed to be in protest at the proposed building of a 'Mosque' at Ground Zero. The astute reader will of course know that the proposed 'Ground Zero Mosque' is less a Mosque and more a recreational family centre, and its not at Ground Zero, but fundamentalists have a fantastic way of forgetting both fact, constitutional law, and the feelings of people directly involved. In the whole silly mess of free speech, fundamentalism and shifting goalposts, I think its important to get a bit of perspective.
So to start with, Terry - or Tezza, as I prefer to call him (for no particular reason) - decides he wants to burn the Koran because, well, being honest, burning things is really cool. Infact, you know what, here's a link to the first website I found using my awesome google fu and total enthusiasm for life (which just about enables me to get out of bed in an afternoon, so don't expect much).
Sky News says: Korans, whut?
So, in reaction to the 9/11 attacks which, in honesty, were rather grim, Jones wants a burning. Later on, when he 'suspends' and then cancels the International Burn a Koran day, he states that he wanted to prove that radical Islam has 'a destructive nature'. Of course, bears also have potential to be violent, and I encourage anyone who doubts this to go deliberately provoke one just to see what happens. A big one. A grizzly.
So Jones fights fundamentalism with fundamentalism, which is not something that has been particularly tried since sometime between the Crusades and the advent of laser guided bombs and 'Axis of Evil' nations. The response is rather predicable. Everyone gets annoyed. To prove that they're perfectly reasonable people, Afghans burn an effigy of Barack Obama in response, which I suppose is a bit better than burning a Bible or something, giving them a kind of perverse moral highground over Terry in the 'how crazy can you be' race. And to prove that it is a stable and functioning democracy, the Afghan police start shooting at people. Frankly, no one really wins.
Anyway, free speech is one of those things that is dragged into disrepute again. So this abstract ideal, originally intended to protect the citizen from the prevailing ideology and dogma is now used to excuse funamentalist stupidity. A fundamental mistake (da dum cha). Oh fate, how cruel you are. The thing about free speech, without wanting to sound a little Blairite (because frankly, the association makes me want to rub vomit in my eyes), is that you've got to measure yourself and have a modicum of respect. Now, free speech is a wonderful thing if it is used correctly. Criticising religious dogma, governments, fundamentalism, poor internet bloggers and Glenn Beck is all fine. Because you can at least direct it with a degree of indivudality and reduce the collateral damage that would come about as a result of using it as an excuse to just insult everyone vaguely associated with your chosen beef. Pastor Terry Jones has not done this particularly well, whereas the effigy burning Afghans were getting at least some of it right before they started chanting "Death to America!" but hey, you can't have it all.
In conclusion, I'm going to have to jump on the bandwagon (a ship that well and turely sailed about a week ago) in saying that Mr. Jones is a stupid small minded bigot. But once again, the issue of free speech still hasn't been addressed. The problem is not with free speech, its with idiots. Unfortunately, we've always had idiots long before we could say whatever we liked because it was our right to do so. I'm not against free speech. I'm in favour of a bit more self moderation. Or maybe a happy naivity that you could separate the stupid from the more informed and intelligent kinds of protest. But that's their perogative, I suppose. If you want to look at a decent religion, take Buddhism for example. Next time Terry Jones has a religious issue he wants addressing with fire, he should follow the great example of Thích Quảng Đức. After all, nothing encourages people to take your protest seriously like self-immolation, because its obvious that if you've gone and set yourself on fire, you're pretty convinced that something needs doing. Also, it doesn't irritate anyone.
Wednesday 1 September 2010
Bacteria Nation
It is almost impossible today to watch the idiot box without encountering yet another commercial about bacteria. We have half a dozen yogurt adverts, telling us in what is arguably the most patronizing way possible why we should stock up on "good" bacteria in our bodies. Good bacteria - as if bacteria could possess higher emotional function allowing them to choose between good and evil - help keep our bodies healthy and strong. And apparently they've only just been discovered, given the recent swathe of condescending dairy propaganda that's being churned out. That's right, the television is trying to encourage me to neck a shot of pale liquid filled with writhing microscopic life forms every morning to help keep healthy, as if it were something I'd been lacking all this time, like a marooned pirate, an astronaut on the International Space Station, or a trapped Chilean miner.
On the other hand, we're continuously beset on all sides by the tyrannies of "bad" bacteria. As mankind flounders in this sea of darkness, various chemical sprays designed to ensure that your children never develop an immune system have been created to nuke these fanatical microorganisms back into the Stone Age. You know the adverts - the ones for bleach or surface cleanser or soap. Most are aided by a disturbing visual of glowing uranium enriched slugs, sometimes donning military hats, large Mexican moustaches or Soviet Bond-villain accents, colonising the toilet, the kitchen surface, or preparing an ambush on your children's clothes, boots and motorcycle. Like characters in a macabre power-point presentation, these disgusting "bad" bacteria swim about for a few moments on our screen, plotting world domination set against the mono-colour backdrop of a toilet with a serious voice over telling us just how many of these widowmakers are lurking "under the rim".
So deep seated is our concern with these invisible monsters, Dettol have produced a soap pump that lets you get soap without touching anything. I'm all for technological advancements and improved hygiene, but lets take a step back. The premise of the advert runs exactly like the ones detailed above. A close up of your soap pump reveals that it is covered in hairy green slugs hell-bent on extinguishing human life forever. Dettol provides the solution by giving us a motion sensitive pump that lets us get soap without even touching anything. Thinking about this rationally, you're going to touch the already bacteria infested towels, sink and taps during your ritual cleansing process. Furthermore, you touch the bacteria ridden soap pump, get soap, and then wash your hands. At what point, once you've finished washing, do you go back and rub the dirty pump for good luck? When are you going to care about the bacteria on that thing that you don't need to touch until you next wash your hands?
All I'm saying is that we've gone a little too far.
Now, obviously these dark visuals are kind of upsetting, and no one wants a toilet that looks like it over-indulged in black-forest gateau, but any sane person has to wonder at what point you will ever feel the compulsion to lick the inside of your own toilet? Perhaps that's the most disturbing thought of all. Bring on the chemical warfare suits and sterile gloves. Death to all that it dirty - and given that you can't see bacteria at all, that could be anything. Cue paranoia. Better boost that immune system with a shot of questionable liquid.
On the other hand, we're continuously beset on all sides by the tyrannies of "bad" bacteria. As mankind flounders in this sea of darkness, various chemical sprays designed to ensure that your children never develop an immune system have been created to nuke these fanatical microorganisms back into the Stone Age. You know the adverts - the ones for bleach or surface cleanser or soap. Most are aided by a disturbing visual of glowing uranium enriched slugs, sometimes donning military hats, large Mexican moustaches or Soviet Bond-villain accents, colonising the toilet, the kitchen surface, or preparing an ambush on your children's clothes, boots and motorcycle. Like characters in a macabre power-point presentation, these disgusting "bad" bacteria swim about for a few moments on our screen, plotting world domination set against the mono-colour backdrop of a toilet with a serious voice over telling us just how many of these widowmakers are lurking "under the rim".
So deep seated is our concern with these invisible monsters, Dettol have produced a soap pump that lets you get soap without touching anything. I'm all for technological advancements and improved hygiene, but lets take a step back. The premise of the advert runs exactly like the ones detailed above. A close up of your soap pump reveals that it is covered in hairy green slugs hell-bent on extinguishing human life forever. Dettol provides the solution by giving us a motion sensitive pump that lets us get soap without even touching anything. Thinking about this rationally, you're going to touch the already bacteria infested towels, sink and taps during your ritual cleansing process. Furthermore, you touch the bacteria ridden soap pump, get soap, and then wash your hands. At what point, once you've finished washing, do you go back and rub the dirty pump for good luck? When are you going to care about the bacteria on that thing that you don't need to touch until you next wash your hands?
All I'm saying is that we've gone a little too far.
Now, obviously these dark visuals are kind of upsetting, and no one wants a toilet that looks like it over-indulged in black-forest gateau, but any sane person has to wonder at what point you will ever feel the compulsion to lick the inside of your own toilet? Perhaps that's the most disturbing thought of all. Bring on the chemical warfare suits and sterile gloves. Death to all that it dirty - and given that you can't see bacteria at all, that could be anything. Cue paranoia. Better boost that immune system with a shot of questionable liquid.
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