The Sad Truth

Suicide Up Amongst Readers of '50 Shades of Grey'.

A report published by leading psychiatrists, pathologists and government officials has described a worrying trend in suicides linked to reading E L James' erotic novel series - Fifty Shades.

Citing a 400% increase in deaths this week, the Government has vowed  to act against sale and distribution of the book.

"These figures do not even begin to account for all deaths," said a spokesperson for the Home Secretary's Office. "Only the ones that can directly place a copy of Fifty Shades at the scene of the incident."

'The prose is so terrible it apparently drives people mad with rage.'

"While professionally speaking, we try to avoid using the word 'mad', readers of Fifty Shades can experience considerable dizziness, tiredness and sense of 'wrongness', as if the all of the angles in the house had shifted slightly. In some cases, this can develop into sanity reduction, memory loss, depression and anger, in extreme scenarios - psychosis." Said professor MacFreud of the British Association of Therapists.

James has been criticized by interest groups for making a noose look suggestive.

Single mother Jenny Patrick, 41, described her near-death experience.

"I had just started reading Fifty Shades Darker," she said. "I'd been experiencing headaches and dizziness for several days after the first book. It was late at night and I was having a glass of wine and I reached the point where Anastasia is rambling on about her 'inner goddess doing the dance of the seven veils' and I thought 'You know what, Jenny, between this and the Olympics I don't see a point anymore'. I don't remember much after that but my son had come home from work and wrestled a high-caliber pistol out of my mouth."

Neighbour Frank Bottomly witnessed the drama.

"It was about 10pm when the police showed up. Before long there were paramedics there as well. It's a quiet street, not much happens around here, but one officer told me there had been an incident at number five. I asked if this was something to do with Fifty Shades of Grey and he told me he couldn't comment, but his eyes had taken on a haunted expression."

"The wife and I burned our copy weeks ago." He continued, "I know you won't believe me, but when we threw it in the fire it started screaming. To say the noise was not of this world would be an understatement of intense severity."

The report comes in the wake of a shooting in Waterstones Compton by a man dressed as Christian Grey. According to eyewithness reports, the shooter - named locally as Terry Holdsworth - entered the store brandishing a Kalashnikov rifle and said in a sultry voice, "I'm going to put this inside you", before opening fire.