The Hall of Fame

I've not written anything in a long time, not properly anyway, and writing is one of those things I can't just dip in and out of. Getting back into posting anything even remotely offensive funny after such an absence has been more than even my collosal intellect can deal with. So, here is a post about me. And since posts about people who write them are genuinely cringe inducing, it's probably better if you don't read this in a location where vomting is not fashionable, like work or during a funeral.

Oh, and the formatting is messed up because the pictures wouldn't load properly because the council computer wouldn't publish the work and because... beacuse fuck you.

Truth be told, it's less about me and more about people I look like. I have, in the last ten years, been compared to a lot of different people/animals, and the runaway favourite to win 'who do I look like' is 'a total fucking prick'. But since they're ten a penny, we'll go straight onto the runners up. In first (second) place is:

1) Neo - The Matrix

The glazed, mis-matched stare of a man who really hates cereal.

"Here, it's fucking Neo!"

Yeah. I used to get that a lot. The main problem was that I wore a big black coat beause OMG I'M A GOTH*. So I guess I brought it upon myself. But since I need to have a carthic venting experience about the years of abuse I suffered, I'm going to say that it was deeply unfair at the time. I hadn't even seen the Matrix, and certainly did not hang around looking mopey and pretending I was a vampire, which was the acceptable alternative.

Pros: Flying, stopping bullets, being the hero, being right all the time because other people are fucking sheep plugged into a giant machine etc etc.

Cons: Keanu Reeves. Everything.

2) Snape - Harry Potter

Everyone has a hot teacher. Even blind, parapelegic war-veterans.

Incidentally, it wasn't 'Snape' when I was first compared to Snape. It was 'Hey, are you Alan Rickman?' Since my entire association with Alan Rickman is his incarnation as an evil German Hans Grubber in Die Hard. It was only later did I realize he meant the sex-on-legs teacher in the Dark Arts, with greasy palid skin and an expression that ranges between 'I hate you' and 'What the fuck am I/are you doing?'. I've never had much to do with the Harry Potter series, but I gather he's fairly important. I also gather he dies. And that he's a prick anyway so no one cares.

Pros: He's a fucking Wizard

Cons: He's a dick. He's also ugly as sin, which whilst that would be a step up for me, isn't exactly going to get me into bed with anyone. Well, anyone I'd want to end up in bed with.

3) John Cusack 

I guess look a lot like that. Only much uglier and less stupid.

 I don't think I've ever seen a John Cusack film. Being John Cusack kind of just happened to me one day - I can't quite remember why. I suppose, since I have a leather jacket, and all the important facial features, I could look a bit like John Cusack. I wouldn't know.

Pros: There are worst people to be compared to. Evil-minded people. With evil minds.

Cons: There are better people to be compared to. On balance, since I don't really know much about John Cusack, it's rather like being compared to anyone else I don't know anything about.

4) Winnona Ryder

I don't know either. I occasionally have a beard just to start with.

This one definately had me stumped. I assume they meant 'Winnona Ryder when she had long hair', 'the back of Winnona Ryder from a distance in poor light,' or maybe 'Winnona Ryder when she looked more like you'. It has been many years since anyone compared me to Winnona Ryder*, but it still had to make the cut. I included it only because it was weird, and that made it strangely fascinating, like a complicated murder investigation. It's kind of flattering, I suppose.

Pros: ???

Cons: ???

5) Jeremy Irons - The Lion King

Without the ears and claws, he'd make a great Rasputin.

I cheated a bit on the last one. I've never actually been compared to Jeremy Irons. I have often been called Scar, though. I'm pretty sure this fits in with people's middle-class sensibilities on young men who have nicknames and look like they'd slip a knife in your ribs for a chicken sandwich before making off with your cherished ramekins and Ikea 'bundle of sticks in a vase'.* The truth of the matter is I'm only guilty of having a thick accent and friends who find solace in not using my real name. I suppose that's in case they say it backwards too many times and I tear my way out of the body of a nearby pedestrian.

My nickname is Scarf, and because us fuckin' 'ard Notherners (In-ger-land! In-ger-land!) do not have have soft nicknames unless they can be delivered in a deeply sinister way, like Billy 'the Silk' Smith or 'Smoothie' Matthew MacStabberson, people mishear what other people are saying.

"Scar? He's called Scar? He sounds like a faaackin' nutjob."

Scarf. There's a story as to why I'm called Scarf, and it is dull as a wooden spoon. It does not involve any strangulation, bondage, or other things you can do with a scarf if you were, in fact, a faaackin' nutjob. Scarf doesn't have the same 'quake in terror' connocations of 'Oh no, here comes Scar.'

Pros: Jeremy Irons is awesome. Also the ability to sing reasonably well. And the fact that people make room for you in a pub because they think you're a double wiskey away from cutting off their face.

Cons: The truth is horribly underwhelming.

  

* I'm not, and never was.

* Her name gets weirder the more you say it. Winnona, Win-no-nah, Winn-none-a, Whin-oh-nah.

* I wouldn't do that unless it was a really nice sandwich, or if I had better things to do.