This Just In

For a lack of anything better to do, I thought I'd give a round up of the last week's news. Or something like that. It'll all be better when I don't have to ever leave my house to go online. Tremble mortals.

Russia Defies Nature and Begins Armageddon.

President Medvedev has further complicated an already outrageous universe by decreeing that Russia will stay permanently in summertime. The clocks in Russia have not gone back this year, distorting the space-time continuum between different world time-zones and heralding in 'The Eternal Summer'. It is expected that animals prone to hibernation will stay in a constant state of wakefulness, which will eventually send them mad. This is already in evidence, says Wildlife Expert Dr. McGaia. Birds have been seen flying backwards, and in a field outside Odessa, farmers watched in horror as their horses consumed each other. There have also been rumours in Siberia of creatures that have six wings and are 'covered in eyes'.




Russian Summertime Heralds Ragnarok


Conservative Councillor Issues Slap-in-Face Apology.

Councillor Bennett, head of Children's Services in Birmingham, has accidentally copied 120 senior council members into an email calling his Labour colleague a 't**t'. Bennett apologised to women the world over, stating that "to compare Councillor Kennedy to any part of a woman’s anatomy is insulting to women and that was not my intention." Way to go, champ.

Liam Fox: You Cannot Kill That Which Does Not Live.

Shamed Tory ex-Defence Secretary Liam Fox has hinted on his eventual return to front line politics. Speaking from a Castle in Transylvania, Fox stated that 'the device is almost complete' and that he would be looking forward to his triumphant return. Some critics have suggested that Fox's behavior may have changed, but the former Defence Minister allayed fears that he may have 'got smart' with this intelligent backhander: "I do think that we need to understand that we have to have a free press... but a free press doesn't mean the press can do what they want."

Fox will be taking a break from politics in the short term, recently taking a trip to the coastal town of Whitby for vacation. Mr. Werrity's whereabouts are unknown, but are not thought to be linked with the wrecking of the three-masted sailing ship 'Dementer', which crashed into Whitby harbour with the loss of all hands.

Fox has admitted a fondeness for Heniz sauce.

'It's all Gone Wrong,' Admits ILO

"Get out while you can" is the message forwarded by the Independent Labour Organization, who state the world is on the brink of a second major recession, which will lead to job losses, social unrest and potential fianancial meltdown, cumulating in cannibalism and possible nuclear holocaust. The optimistic forcast comes as members of the G20 meet in Cannes and prepare to make 'bold decisions'. The world leaders have strongly denied the existance of 'the Ark Project', rumoured to be an advanced space shuttle designed to ferry the world's richest and most powerful off-planet in the eventuallity of a complete collapse of ordered society.