Conservafrence

A full explanation of my recent disappearance from the face of the earth will hopefully be issued shortly. Needless to say, the reports of my death were greatly exaggerated conveniently not true.

Recently, the powers that be have been holding their respective party conferences, in which they split off into their various tribes, relocate deep underground and shed their human skin. For an entire weekend, these grumkins can wallow in their damp caves and discuss any future schemes to torment humanity. None so dastardly as the Tory Party, who were the most recent band of Deep Goblins to migrate to their swamp in Manchester, of all places.

Euthanize Poor to Cut Deficit, Backbencher Urges.
A senior Conservative backbencher has proposed a bold new initiative to cut hospital waiting lists, reduce the burden on British prisons, reduce class sizes and cut the amount spent on welfare payments. Herbert Cardigan, MP for West Countryshire, put forward the proposal at the recent Conservative Party Conference.

"The idea is quite simple," said Cardigan as he left the opulent conference centre, "In order to cut the deficit, something must be done about our out of control population - the forced euthanization of any citizen meeting certain criteria."

The criteria, which were discussed throughout the weekend, would include the unemployed, anyone living buy-to-let, homeless, people with previous criminal convictions and less than £12,000 pounds in savings.
"Basically," Cardigan continues, "We need to remove unproductive members of society from our streets. These bottom-feeders are a burden on our health system, our welfare system, our schools, prisons, and other valuable amenities."

The plan has drawn criticism from several sources, including the International Institution of Landlords and Money Printers, who suggest that this could harm economic recovery and lead to a collapse of the buy-to-let property market. The proposals could also include low-income earners such as teachers, nurses, and fire fighters. Cardigan has also come under fire from the MoD, who fear recruitment targets may not be met if an entire generation of despair-fuelled, low income working-class are removed from circulation, leading to fears that Britain may be seen as a "soft touch" in the International Community.

David Cameron has vowed to stand by his embattled backbencher, however. At a press conference to confirm the proposal, he stated.

"We are already drawing up a list of exemptions to this new rule, ensuring that society can continue to function and to ensure we remain among it's most privilaged members. What the Conservative Party is proposing is not some kind of left-wing utopia where equality is bought through wholesale extermination, but the careful and considered removal of harmful elements from our society. Britain deserves a world-class health and education system, free from the putrid boils and slack jawed ignorance of the feral underclass."

"Additional benefits of the scheme would include the creation of 5,000 new jobs constructing the Deficit Reduction Camps, a marked reduction in crime rates, and a drop in re-offending." Cameron added.
"I don't want to get all starry eyed yet," he said, "But this could be as far reaching as to impact on immigration, provide incentive for first time buyers to make that crucial first step, and encourage those in long-term unemployment to get back into work. Any work."

The proposals, which are due to be put before the House of Commons on Friday, are expected to draw criticism from a variety of different political interest groups. Nick McRacist, a BNP Councillor from Burnley, has voiced outrage at the notion.

"Section 3, Article 2.6 clearly states that immigrants within the country can choose to be repatriated or moved to the Deficit Reduction Camps," he said, "Proving that once again the liberal left in this country are pandering to ethnic minorities, offering to pay for their deportation instead of just rounding them up. It's an outrage."

The Bill is to be discussed for one week before going to the vote. It is expected that Labour will oppose the plans on the basis that they are the opposition. One senior Conservative has remarked that they hope to hold onto the support of the Liberal Democrats in exchange for another referendum on the Alternative Vote.

If passed, the Safer Communities and Deficit Reduction Bill 2011, could be extended throughout 2012 to include other 'subversive elements' within society, including political objectors, trade unionists, homosexuals and hippies.