The Complexity of Colour

This is not an explanation of what I've been doing for the past two months. Well, it sort of is, but if you feel cheated, go somewhere else. Life isn't fair.

Paintbrushes, for anyone with more than a passing familiarity with their operation, tend to make a noise that is almost entirely unique in the world. Seriously, try it. Dip it, wipe it, then begin painting a newly plastered wall. You can guarantee that the noise produced lies somewhere between a cadaver being dragged over sandpaper and a oily walrus having intercourse with porridge. A kind of scrape-splat that exists only in paint.

Recently, I've spent a lot of time painting. My new pad, actually owned by my girlfriend. Some other guys house, actually owned by my dad. That sort of thing. You can see where this is going...

Dulux Launches New Paint Range Amidst Storm of Controversy

Shares in the interior decorating and paint company Dulux were bolstered today by the announcement of a whole new range of Dulux One-Coat. A spokesperson explains.

"By increasing the amount of pigment - that's the stuff that makes colour, in layman's terms - that we put into our paint, we now offer better value for money, easier application, and a new range of bold, exciting colours to wow your friends with."

Dulux's new paint range, containing 22 new variations of colour. On the left you can see 'Natural Bland', whilst the discerning interior designer will recognize the right as a revamped version of the traditional favourite 'Neutral Bland'. These form the core of the new Winter Collection

The colours, due for release in November, follow the tag line "Curiosity Killed the Cat. Stay Alive. Stay Boring." The spectrum available for the first wave will be all of the shades that exist between 'What might pass as brown in the dark' and 'I think it's cream, but it looks a bit green if you squint.' The increased pigment in the paint, allows for easier application and just one-coat. The some of the exciting new colours are available below.



Neutral



Chaotic Neutral

 

Inoffensive Beige

 

Understated Autumn



Well Concealed Disappointment

    

"We're really excited about the new range," said Press Secretary Frank Lee Bland, "Dulux has really pushed the boundaries of interior design with this latest batch."

When asked about the process that goes into designing and naming the colours, Mr. Bland replied. "In today's Facebook age, everything has to be on display all the time. This is an ego enhancing exercise, a form of identity-creation and self-branding. Do you think strangers on the internet genuinely care if you read Orwell and Foucault? Of course they don't, but the presence of such authors on your page reinforces the belief that you're an intellectual, and that is very important. It gives people value. We don't just want to sell any old cream paint, we want to send a message when we do. People should be able to walk into your house and recognize classics such "Failing Health" and "Chaotic Neutral", the muted tones of "Low Self Esteem" or the bold highlights and feature walls dressed in "Pretentious Twat" or "Middle Class Utopia".



Student Hangover



Out of Date Cinnamon



Flawless Beige



However, there have been several harsh criticisms directed against Dulux's new release.

"If you can make one-coat paint, why not make it all one-coat?" asks leading designer Faye Painter. "It proves that Dulux are nothing more than a bunch of money-grabbing lackwits who make deliberately inferior products to drive sales. I can't even clean my own walls, the paint rubs off when I try!"

Dulux declined to comment on Miss Painter's accusations, stating that a press release will be issued shortly. It is hoped that the release will answer questions that have already plagued the company for some years, including the famous scandal in 2003 where it was revealed that many colour variations in the chart were so gradual as to be indistinguishable to the human eye, the 2004 health scare that constant exposure to mediocre colours could breed madness, and the rumours circulating in 2007 that Dulux had invented a colour that is only visible to dogs.