News from the Front

Again, we have another half-baked effort today. I'll do a better one in the morning, I promise.


Important Ruling Against Church Overshadowed by Awesomely Named Judge

It has been ruled that the Catholic Church is now liable for the wrongdoings of priests. Unfortunately, this ruling was made by Mr. Justice MacDuff, which somewhat undermines the gravity of the situation.

"Hey, stop touching that!"

Talking to Your Cat in Gibberish Makes You an Idiot

Scientists have discovered that talking to cats in a made up language is no more comprhensible than English, but does make you look stupid. Academics from the University of Obvious, Penn. have discovered that 90% of lonely people with cats talk to them in a made up language called  'Ooooja-kat?', which has its etymological roots in 'Ooooja-ur-daddy' that is often used on babies.

"It's meaningless," said Dr. Wordsmith. "The cat doesn't understand, and the problem with Ooooja-kat is that it has no set pattern. At least with English you can get repitition, sound and consequence association, allowing the cat to learn certain words. In Ooooja-kat, there are no words. You just make noise at it. It doesn't care."

Further research has suggested that people who communicate to animals and babies in made-up-language are 79% more likely to go feral and live in a storm drain eating fishheads and growling at passing cars.

Talentless Deadbeat Teenager Makes News as World Plunges Screaming into Hell.

Frankie Cocozza has been booted off the X-Factor as the world hurtles towards its inevitable self destrcution. Frankie was removed from the X-Factor for his conduct behind the scenes, which hints at some sort of binge drinking and or drug abuse. Cocozza has apologised to fans, saying "My life during the show has gone out of control and my behaviour off stage has overstepped the rules of the competition... ...I no longer deserve my place in the show, so I am therefore leaving. I would like to thank everyone who has supported me."

Outside the studio, upset fans gathered to pay their respects to the failed singer, who was widely regarded as the best warbling moron out of a sizeable bunch of talentless organ-hoarders. One 'Camp Cocozza' follower remained upbeat, however.

"Frankie has proven that he's desined for greatness by taking up valuable newspaper front page space while people in Syria chow down on bullets in the name of freedom. The very fact he has been deemed more important than the ten thousand stories of human cruelty and suffering that unfold every day is very encouraging."

Scientists have speculated that the psychic-deathscream that will eminate from planet Earth as it goes into complete social, economic and cultural meltdown could tear a hole in reality and reawaken the dead-god Cthulhu from his eons long slumber beneath the sea.

Gone, but still famous enough to displace useful information.

Upsidedown Rhino 'Trips Balls' on Sedative 

The Times recently ran an article on an airlift in Africa that saw a Black Rinhocerous being drugged, hung upside down and carried 1,500 kms to a new rhino sanctuary. I don't think need to highlight why an upside down flying rhino pumped full of drugs is awesome.

Dude, what if the sky was, like, the ground, and the ground was the sky? Dude...