It has recently been revealed that Nick Clegg, the leader of the Liberal Democrats, is in fact a robot.
In response to a Freedom of Information request made by A Clockwork Lemon, the Conservative Party was forced into an embarrassing U-turn after previously denying that the 45 year-old MP for Sheffield did not sleep and had been pictured drinking diesel.
"Well, um. You see the thing is. Basically. Yeah." said a spokesperson for the party. "It's actually a very clever thing. By creating Nick Clegg, we split the Labour vote and secured the Lib Dem base to support Conservative policy."
"He's actually remarkably lifelike."
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| Nick Clegg Version IV |
The Liberal Democrats entered a coalition with the Conservative Party after the 2010 General Election.
"He's actually the fourth," the spokesperson continued. "The first one was so unlikeable we were concerned no one would ever vote for him. The second and third had to be destroyed after they became self-aware. I remember the third one screamed 'Oh god, what have I done!'. It was unreal. They'd become too human."
When questioned as to the whereabouts of the real Nick Clegg, the spokesperson could only confirm that Nick was alive and being held at a secure facility in an undisclosed location. His captivity is thought to be linked with a bid by scientists to discover a cure for good intentions.
Labour Party Unveils New Policy Direction
After twelve months of intense debate, balloting of members, and consultation with independent experts, the Labour Party has revealed its new manifesto. The 288 page document has been praised by backbenchers and grassroots activists alike, and has pushed Labour to a twelve point lead in the polls. At a press conference yesterday, Ed Miliband was asked to elaborate on the new policies.
"We Are Not Them", said Mr. Miliband, smiling. "The main thrust of manifesto has been geared towards highlighting the real alternative that the Labour Party represents. 'We Are Not Them'."
"People don't like 'them'," he added.
The document, published at the beginning of April, contains 89 references to 'them', and 92 references to 'not'. Despite the excessive length, it only contains two policies.
The first policy adopted is 'We Are Not Them'.
"We're really hoping to snag the swing voters who don't like anyone," Mr. Miliband. "We did well in the local elections and we're hoping to carry the momentum nationally."
The second policy championed is 'We Are Not Them Either'.
"This is to differentiate the Labour Party from other things that people might not like, and to broaden our appeal to disillusioned and disenfranchised peasants everywhere."
Hope Removed From Dictionary
The word 'hope' has been removed from the Oxford English Dictionary.
Traditionally meaning "noun: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best", hope will not feature in an further editions of the OED.
"It was an accident at first, " said English Professor Paige Turner for the Institute of Studies. "We lost it. We lost hope. We filled out the whole of the H section and realised some time later that we'd forgotten to include it."
"We had a discussion over how this could have come to happen, and we decided to keep the omission on the basis that hope, like many other older words, is no longer applicable to everyday life."
"It's just not a word we use anymore," added Prof. Turner.
Hope has joined other obsolete words missing from the OED this year, including, "Vilipend – To treat with contempt", "Fubsy – Squat.", and the much lamented "Griseous – Somewhat grey."
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