'I am not mad,' Screams Insane Mass-Killer.
Anders Breivik has denied a psychological report claiming that his is mentally insane. The extreme-right winger, guilty of a bombing in Oslo and mass shooting at a youth camp, claimed that 'I killed loads of kids to stop Muslims from taking over the world, why does no one get this? You're all totally bonkers.' To reinforce his tenuous and flagging claim to sanity, Breivik has has appealed to the judge to have him either set free or executed, because both of those things are the entirely reasonable defence of any logical human being.
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| The very cornerstone of sanity. |
"I am genuinely upset for you all," Offers Sympathetic Chancellor.
Modern History graduate, Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Dark Lord George Osborne has expressed his disappointment as Britain dips into a second recession, despite the convicted fervour of panic buyers hoping to bolster the economy. As high street chains go into administration, economic growth falls behind Europe, and people in parts of Birmingham resort to cannibalistic orgies, Mr. Osborne let out an exasperated sigh and had a good stiff drink of expensive champagne.
When questioned about the £47 of public money he spent buying two DVD's of his own speech 'Value for Taxpayer's Money', Mr. Osborne replied, 'Well, it's all a fucking joke, right?'
Mr. Osborne is not the only bastion of darkness to be passively-upset this week. KFC announced they were deeply disappointed after being ordered by an Australian court to pay eight million dollars worth of compensation to a family who contracted salmonella after eating a bad wrap. They were probably less disappointed than the seven year old girl, who was left brain damaged.
Conservative Councillor Suffers Indignity of BBC Backhander
The Conservatives, in a definite case of "we are not trying to pull a fast one, honest", fielded a councillor with exactly the same name as his Labour counterpart. The lesser of two gargantuan evils immediately hit out, accusing the Tories of deliberately trying to confuse the voters, in a way that manages to be both sensible and patronising. Ray Knock, leader of the Conservative team denied any wrongdoing and decided to accuse Labour of fascism instead. The BBC, not wanting to take sides, ended the article with on a happy note.
But Ray Knock, who led the Tory group, said the claim was completely untrue.
"This is just another load of Labour spin," he said.
"I take it now Labour are trying to say that just because a guy's called Derek Rowley he's got no legal right to stand."
Mr Knock later lost his seat to a Labour candidate.
The article isn't even about Ray Knock, but he did lose his seat to a Labour candidate, and someone felt like pointing that out. Not to poke fun at the guy, or anything.
Bears Shit in Woods, Scientists Confirm.
After an extensive survey, carried out by a joint American-Canadian research team, scientists have confirmed that bears defaecate in their natural habitat.
"We thought that maybe they went somewhere else to take a dump," said research team-leader Dick Smart. "So we tracked a couple using the latest in GPS technology and motion sensors."
The team was baffled when they didn't discover any evidence to support the prevailing theory that bears habitually travelled miles each week to empty their colon in a more secluded region.
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| Until 1954, bears were assumed to be the only animal not to excerete solid waste. |
"There are less animals, say, on the moon than in the woods," Mr. Smart continued, "We thought the bears might be shy. We figured they'd go somewhere else. Then one of our hidden cameras in Oregon caught footage of one just dropping it, right there in the trees."
In other news, scientists have also confirmed that washing your hands can combat the spread of disease.
"If only we'd known this twenty years ago," lamented Conservative Health Minister Andrew Lansley, "How many people could we have saved?"
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