News to Me

'The End Is Nigh', Scientists Confirm

Leading researchers from the Institute of Studies have confirmed that the end is well and truly nigh. Professor Smith, head of research, confirmed recent media rumours of impending Armageddon.

"Basically," said prof. Smith, "we've done some studies, and yeah. We're about six to eight months from what the academic community calls 'The End of Days'. All social, scientific and cultural endeavor has been for nothing. The entire history of human evolution has been leading to this point."

Ancient cave painting found in Worchester, dated 6,000 BC.

It is expected all life on earth will cease to exist before the next season of Game of Thrones goes to air in April 2013.

"All the signs are there," prof. Smith continues, "Eurovision. A dog winning Britain's Got Talent. A woman in a hat worth millions of pounds telling the adoring public to starve themselves. People eating each others faces in Miami. That sort of thing."

Professor Don MacFreud, a psychologist, commented.

"It turns out the world is actually a construct based on consensus reality. In the beginning, the human race built it with hopes, dreams and aspirations. Early man was motivated to hunt and build shelter, while later the species was driven by political and philosophical enlightenment. In short, their perceptions shaped the world was we know it. The present - as we understand it - is upheld entirely by people interested in vagjazzles, Stella Artois and the 99p Saver Menu. It's unsustainable. Reality is crumbling, yielding to strange events. Someone flew a flaming torch half way around the world on a golden plane. It's insane. And no one noticed."

The news has come as a relief to Boris Johnson, according to a close aide. 

"Boris had already resigned himself to having to live with his malformed face for another twenty to forty years. Since finding out that the world is about to end and we're all going to die, he's been on a constant meth bender. Right now he's engaging in a sadistic orgy with cannibalistic midgets. Last night he played a sex game with Terasa May where he attempted to waterboard her with a couple of bottles of Bollinger champagne."

 Terry Holdsworth, representing the general public, remarked.

"It's kind of sad that it's all over, but we should be able to squeeze another X-Factor in before then. My biggest problem is that all life will end before I get to watch the third season of Game of Thrones. I was hoping the blond kid would die. He is such a prick."

Britain 'Woefully Unprepared for Warm Weather'

Britain is woefully unprepared to deal with the recent influx of warm weather, ministers have admitted. 

It follows a week of mildly warm temperatures which have caused people to become nauseatingly optimistic and pathetically cheerful. As the first shafts of sunlight pierced the uncompromising cloud cover, thousands of happy-go-lucky office workers enjoyed rolling their sleeves up and daring to eat al-fresco.

As temperatures creep into the early twenties, some meteorologists warn that the sea itself may start to boil.

But there was growing concern in the House of Commons as to how Britain would deal with the hot snap. Herbert Derbingham, MP for West Countryshire, admitted,

"Now that temperatures in the United Kingdom have become comparable to those found in other countries the world over, we're seeing a disturbing rise in meat consumption and shirtless lager drinking peasants who have come out of the woodwork to display their pale, distended bodies and cringe-inducing tattoos in an effort to woo or indimidate other members of the putrid feral underclass."

Mr. Derbingham's comments come in the wake of a recent warning by medical experts mildly warm weather could lead to an increase of morbidly obese people sweating buckets and hideously bursting forth from clothes that are far too small for them.

"Not only do their pose a risk to themselves by overworking their giant badly maintained cardiac muscles, but they pose a more general danger of causing searing blindness amongst the wider population. Couple this with a rise in sales of Zinger Tower-Burgers and Tesco's Premium lager, and you have the perfect storm," commented one doctor. "Our only saving grace is the fact that it is a double bank holiday, so anyone who doesn't immediately head out and panic buy a month's shopping is probably going to starve to death in the next two days."

Extra staff have been placed on call for A+E departments up and down the country to deal with an increased number of sweaty, gelatinous meat-sacks who will find surprisingly imaginative ways of injuring themselves because of the warm weather. 

"All we are saying is that people need to take care," Mr Derbingham concluded. "We have not had a week this tepid since last October, and because of the mess that we inherited from the previous government, our resources in battling this new spell of warm weather are stretched to their limits."

Queens Jubilee Overshadowed by New Apprentice

The Queen's Jubilee has been largely relegated to just over-enthusastic flag waving unemployed people, according to viewing figures.

The final episode of The Apprentice, which saw smug slimeball Ricky Martin murder two of the other contestants with an electric carving knife, caught the public imagination far more than a bunch of rich people getting soaked by the rain. 

Sociologists have linked this to rising unemployment.

 

"I can't believe he got a job," said former IT worker John Tetley. "We thought all the the jobs were extinct. I've been on the dole for eight months. I have two degrees and twelve years of experience, but no one wants me."

Mr. Martin's mother, Bianca, spoke of her happiness.

"Martin's triumph over the other candidates was the happiest moment of my life. I think he deserved it, but I would say that, I'm his mum!" She exclaimed.

As Sir Alan tears out Ricky's soul and devours it, the the Queen waves at deluded peasants from a gold-plated million pound boat.

"Sure, it wasn't exactly a proud moment when he bit the head off that kitten in the last round, but we shouldn't forget Tom Gearing's glazed eyes as he masturbated onto the clammy face of that dead hobo two weeks ago."

As part of getting a job, it is expected that Mr. Martin will be knighted in the New Years Honours, to recognise his achievment in spite of bleak economic prosepcts. To combat the deline, slavery has been re-introduced to parts of Britain. Close Protection UK used a bus load of unpaid labour to bolster steward numbers along the riverbank for the Diamond Jubilee. The 'cattle', as the workers are affectionately known, were made to sleep under London Bridge so they could be nice and refreshed in the morning. This has drawn condemnation from half-arsed trade unions, minor MP's, irritating journalists and incensed internet non-entities.

"I wish everyone would just forget about it," said a spokeman for Close Protection, "We didn't pay them. So what? Do you pay a cow for milk? They're talking about it as if they were actually fucking people."