Cheating at Life

 This week is Live Below the Line week, where some of my mates attempt to eat for just £1 per day. Some of them can't actually afford to do that. I'm not doing it myself, because I missed the start and I like eating. £1 per day is the UK equivalent of the extreme poverty line. The post isn't really about Live Below the Line, but it was definately worth mentioning.

I failed at the weekend. We've all done it, I'm sure.*

I decided I wasn't going to pay £1.63 for a litre and a half of cola to mix with my Tesco 'white spirit and genocide flavour' vodka. No, that was too much. Coke is expensive, and I'm just not prepared to pay that much for something you can clean toilets with. So I went to the small pop fridge and selected a smaller pair of colas for mixers. Less wastage, you see. Also, cheaper because it is on offer. See what I did there? I saved money, because I'm...

Fucking hell, they were two for £2. I've spent more money, and got less out of it. I tried to beat the system, but instead I got played. I fought the law, and the law won.

This got me to thinking about saving money. I'm not particularly great at saving money, and I'd like to think this is because I'm a decent, generous guy who goes the extra mile to spread cheer. That said, I'm pretty certain it has more to do with being a chainsmoking drunk who happens to be a complete idiot when it comes to financial matters.

Then, half-way through the bottle whilst looking at train tickets to Derby, shiny new digital cameras at Currys and comparing offers on iphones*, it dawned on me. I am not bad with money. It is just that other people are cheating at life.

Life: A game with impossible odds.

It's not my own financial ineptitude to blame. I'm just bewildered modern technology like online banking, price comparison websites and clubcards. Saving is one of those things where you put money in a jar, right?

Frequently, people around me are always saying what a fantastic deal they got on such-and-such website, or how they found something reduced in the supermarket and actually fucking froze that shit to eat later. Sometimes someone will mention an offer that is on certain items, the amount of money they made selling their stuff on ebay, the best place to buy a discounted thing-that-I-also-need, or the best way to get a good deal on something becasue I fulfill X, Y, Z criteria.

I don't get this. I haven't understood it for awhile, so I'm trying to now. To me, doing anything more than walking into the nearest shop and immediately paying full price over the counter for something is a) too much like hard work and b) cheating. Obviously, this elaborate trap has been set up for you to fall directly into, and you're just going to circumvent it by looking somewhere else? Isn't that just a giant fuck you to the guy behind the desk? Isn't that rude? I feel somewhat obliged to go somewhere and pay an extortionate price for something just because I'm supposed to. It's why the shop exists. It's expected. It is why they've got adverts on TV, and big signs in the window, and drones. Any store can have workers, but you've got to hit the big time to have drones.

Sir Alan Sugar is rumoured to lay over 120,000 eggs annually.

I mean, it's like Internet dating. I could go on Internet dating sites, but that's kind of like cheating too. It takes all the enjoyment out of narrowing your choices down to anyone you happen to bump into in that place where you work/drink/visit your therapist*. It allows, or even encourages people to get to know each other before they have inebriated sexual intercourse. It is challenging established social convention. If you try to save money, or if you box clever with your finances, you're a scrooge. A cheat. Someone who is only in it for themselves. You're the kind of person that invoices your mates for drinks consumed on a night out.

Anyway, I'll give it a shot. The saving money, not the internet dating. I don't really subscribe to consumerism, but I do enjoy having enormous piles of money, and I am drawn to shiny things. So I guess, if anything that makes me more of a treasure-hunting magpie.

It'll probably take a bit of time to get the hang of this whole 'deffered gratification' thing. I have to put off immediately spending money on impluse for the sake of convenience and instead make sure I'm not getting screwed over. Soon enough I'll be living the high-life, supping champagne on my yatch. Sleeping with identical twins on a matress stuffed with cocaine. You'll see. Once I get the hang of this whole cheating saving business. I'll get a meticulous database recording all my income and expenditure. I'm hoping having enormous piles of cash to spend selfishly on anything I want, finest quality food to glut myself on, and expensive technology to smash will boost my flagging self esteem.

In today's world there are some things money just can't buy, but that's probably because they're not worth having.



* Apart from those perfect people who float around on clouds and can afford to pay someone else to fail on their behalf.

* I am not a consumer. I am a machine.
* It also increases the probability of being found dead in a river.