It's not all doom and gloom, dear readers, for there is to be a Royal Wedding. Huzzah, and so forth. I thought now was a good time to have a warble about it since it's happened more than a week ago and in keeping with this blog, is therefore ripe for comment.
The good news is large and varied, so there's plenty to be enthused about. First and formost obviously, is that William won't need to steal another helicopter, meaning it can probably do something useful, like stop people from dying or something. The second one being that she isn't a member of royalty to begin with, proving that social mobility and meritocracy are alive and well, of course, and reducing the chance of any offspring suffering from webbed feet or haemophilia, which in turn reduces the chance of Russian mystics being given free reign over a nation which, quite frankly, has already suffered enough fools.
Also, the Royal family has taken note that we live in difficult times of austerity, so they are even going to pay for some of the wedding, which is generous of them, echoing a trend set by 233,000 other people every year. Although they are not going to pay for security, which really says a lot about how they feel about Kate, I suppose. Anyway, further good news for the common folk of our fair land - it's going to be a national holiday. Fantastic news for everyone lucky enough to still have a job by next April, if only to remind them about how dull it is to spend all your time at home, again, echoing a trend set by 2.45 million people. I was struggling to think of why I would want the 29th of April off in particularly, since it's a pretty unremarkable day as days go. Even so, I am sure something must have happened around that date.
Famous weddings throughout history
Nah, it's gone. Anyway, rejoice good people of Great Britain. Lift your eyes, be ye not dead, from the gutter that is your life and rejoice in the brilliant radience of Royal matrimony. However, since we will have to share some of the burden - the burden of joy - with our most highly esteemed unemployed people, I've got a few sound tips for how we can reduce the amount of security budget that will be footed by the taxpayer.
1) Hold the Royal Wedding in a Nuclear Bunker
Sure, it's a bit small and pokey, but there are only two of them getting married down there. It is secure as can be, protecting against intercontinental ballistic missiles with a high atomic yeild. And finally, if properlly stocked and in the result of a thermo-nuclear war, the happy couple could probably live down there for decades, which is longer than the seven years offered by the church.
2) Abolish the monarchy.
This might seem like a silly choice, but when you actually think about it you know it makes sense, and would save us all a lot of money and really over the top wet headlines and disturbing media scrums. It's cheaper to build a gallows that host a wedding.
3) Marry someone who no one cares about.*
Strange as it may seem, marry someone who no one knows or even cares about. Yes, this is a little harsh on Kate, I suppose, but since no one is really interested in William, it stands to reason that security threats decrease exponentially as the reknown of the person in question also diminishes.
4) Have the wedding in Afghanistan.
This might sound totally stupid, but again, think about it. There are at least 61,000 troops in Afghanistan, probably more, and getting up towards 10K of them are British. William can fly a helicopter, so no problems with the terrain or travel arrangements. The media has already warmed to the idea of Royalty in Afghanistan, so there's no complaints from that quarter either. It's isolated, and has a kind of romantic desolation to it, I suppose. Perhaps for the honeymoon instead?
Anyway, cheer up folks. It's going to make everything better, hopefully. From reading the above post, some readers may also think that I'm actually against the royal wedding. I'm not against it. I'm dead set against it, and for all you misty eyed princess lovers out there, you pay for it. I'm not and you can't make me. But then again, I'm on the dole, so I guess in a round about way I win in the long run.
*Do a google search for "No one important", that's what comes up. Angsty teenagers. I love it.
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