The Yellow Brick Road (Is Paved with Good Intentions)

So, here's the scoop.

I've been off blogging for almost two weeks now due to the path to my house turning into a post-apocalyptic version of Lapland, complete with the irradiated corpses of reindeer. But I could wait no longer, so I have heroically decided to brave the frozen tundra of this northern wasteland to bring you the latest edition of A Clockwork Lemon. Now, originally I was going to complain about the weather, people who love themselves too much, Wikileaks, Trots or something else. But a golden oppertunity has presented itself:

Mother of God!

So Ann Widdecombe, the Ghost of Christmas past, has been ressurected from the frozen soil which has surely been her resting place for the last nine years and dressed up as a American teenager from the 1930's. That, though it is almost too horrible to contemplate, lets me have a certain amount of fun. So for anyone who has not already gouged out their eyes or vomited spectacularly, consider the Wizard of Oz as played by our very own beloved government.

Warning, the below post is both factually and politically dubious.

Staring George Osbourne as "Scarecrow"
David Cameron as "Tin Man"
Nick Clegg as "Lion"
Vince Cable as "Toto"
The Rich as "Munchkins"
Ed Milliband as "The Wicked Witch of the West"
The Labour Party as "Flying Monkeys and Winkies"

Our story starts with Ann, who is appearing on some god-awful reality TV show in which she gets to flail around madly for the nation's amusement - kind of like a Battle Royale scenario without the explosive collars. Suddenly, a tornado shaped economic downturn comes tearing down through Britain, uproots the studio and plunges us into a surreal alternative reality known as "Westminister".

First thing to note is that the studio has landed on top of someone and crushed them to death, which had it been anyone other than the Wicked Witch of the East (played by the Working Class), it would have been fairly upsetting. Fortunately, no one really cares about the poor anymore, so Dorothy steals their shoes and embarks on a mad quest while a bunch of Munchkins celebrate their newfound freedom to shit on everyone. I believe the song "Ding Dong, the Union is dead!" is played around this time. Dorothy, meanwhile, has found the Yellow Brick Road that leads to Big Society, which will hopefully save us all.

Anyway, the plot unfolds with a tedious sense of inevitability. First, Dorothy encounters George Osbourne, the Scarecrow, who unfortunately has no brain. He's trying to solve the economic downturn by pandering to the Munchkin people, with the inevitable result that everyone will probably end up dead. George needs a brain - fast. So they hurry along and find David Cameron - the Tin Man. Now, after the undead robotic nightmare has been suitably oiled up, David tells us that he's got no heart, which doesn't come as a massive surpirse, but you at least have to crack a smile at just how cute it is. Finally, they are ambushed by Nick Clegg, who could have probably seriously mauled Dave and George if he had courage, which he doesn't. These three characters share a common lack of humanity, so they set off to try and find it.

So now we've got Dorothy and her Coalition consisting of the spineless, the brainless, and the heartless, tearing it up through Westminister in an attempt to reach the Wizard of Oz (Big Society). You know how this is going to end anyway. Along the way they are harried by the Labour Party, who have taken the guise of ineffectual flying monkeys and idiots in funny hats who can just about articulate their objection with the phrase "Oh We Um, Eoh Um". It is never really explained why they even exist - all we know is that they're pretty useless.

Anyway, they get to the evil castle and someone sets George Osbourne on fire. Everyone cheers. Dorothy throws water on the flames, and catches Ed Milliband who promptly melts into nothing. Everyone seems pretty pleased with themselves. They then head to the Wizard so that he can grant all their wishes. Turns out the Big Society isn't really a Wizard and no one can't save us from the economic downturn. So  the slightly-smaller-and-more-ideological type of society finishes by giving an uplifting speech that runs like this.

"George, you came to me for a brain to help you fix the economy. But you can't have a brain if you don't have a soul. Dave, you came to me for a heart, but you'll never need one because you're so incredibly rich you might as well not be a human being. Nick, you came for courage, but you chose to be in this coalition. All the courage in the world wouldn't be enough for you to take that final plunge off a bridge. And Ann, you came for me for a way home. Of course you did. You are a confused and frightened old woman who is probably unaware of what sort of psychadellic adventure is going on around you. You are too old for television."

Then he waves his magic wand and the world gets better again. Or something.

I'd like to round this off politically, but I honestly don't have the motivation. Tune in next time folks.

"Oh We Um, Eoh Um"
"Oh We Um, Eoh Um"
"Oh We Um, Eoh Um"