The Sepp Injustice Model

Recently, Fifa president Sepp Blatter has been making the news for a string of real and imagined offences against just about everyone. In a remarkably spirited assault on humanity in general, Sepp has asked gay fans and players to 'refrain from sexual activities' in Qatar, where being homosexual is illegal. In the same piece, his wider sexual politics are highlighted, including the continued sexualization of female players by suggesting they wear tighter clothes. Thanks Sepp, you really set the world to rights there.

"I am not the Fifa President you are looking for." Blatter's attempts at Jedi mind-tricks proved unsuccessful.

It couldn't really come at a much worse time for Blatter, embroiled as he is in a row about poppies. As you can imagine, this has caused an undue amount of howling from the British public, who generally feel that rules laid down by international bodies only apply to other people. That, and we're only one step away from square bananas. Thanks for nothing, Brussels.

But I wouldn't even be blogging about Sepp Blatter, nor known about his particularly enlightened view on sexual discrimination if I'd not decided to do a piece about him jumping on my last nerve. And so, the Sepp Injustice Model is born.

The Sepp Injustice Model

As the Sepp Injustice Model proves, the more serious the offending racist incident, the more atonement required. I have also formulated a Venn diagram showing the relationship between the Fifa President and scourges on humanity, for those who approve of the scientific method.

 Relationship between Fifa and 'Bad Stuff'

As science has duly proved, Blatter is influenced by at least three particular coloured spheres - Racism, Homophobia and the catch all - Bigotry. Hopefully this will not have an impact on any shady deals he may be wanting to make in the future. Stay tuned for updates on further research for the Sepp Injustice Model, which has drawn a casual link between forgiving someone's drunken homophobic rants and the consumption of Chunky Monkey ice-cream.

Following this article, further research on the Sepp Injustice Model was periodically put on hold following the 'it seemed like a good idea at the time' drowning of a puppy in a bath of acid. To make up for it, the offending party managed to acquire two free tickets for the bereaved to attend workshop for aspiring singer-songwriters. Which wasn't enough to put the sloughing flesh back onto the deceased puppy, but did seem pretty gentlemanly to Sepp.