Anyone reading the newspapers will immediately know that it was actually President Obama himself who flew to Pakistan, knocked on Osama's front door, and delivered a stunning one liner before roundhouse kicking the terrorist leader to death. He then carried his body for two hundred miles before depositing it into the ocean before nightfall. Then he flew home, cooked his tea, made love to his wife and told the American nation, rather modestly, that Osama was out of the picture.
This has allowed elements of the American people to pour into the streets, cheering in favour of death and thumping chests and slapping backs chanting USA! USA! USA!
Purchases of Freedom Fries and Cheeseburgers have skyrocketed around the globe, and for the first time since December 2001, sales of American flags have outstripped burnings of American flags.
And why shouldn't they be happy? Not only will everyone definitely forget about Bin Laden now, but it will also miraculously bring all of the people who died on September 11th back to life, which some scientists suggest could lead to a zombie-apocalypse. The War in Afghanistan is expected to end immediately, and President Obama is set to receive an Oscar and be Knighted in the New Years Honours list, to go with his Nobel Piece prize which he won after a considerable time in office.
Skeptics has suggested that this will not change anything. Dr. Nat Um Maron, speaking on behalf of the University of Reality, Massachusetts, has said,
"I don't see what killing Osama will achieve. He is nothing more than a figurehead. Killing him has turned him into a martyr and endangered many people through potential retalitory attacks. The mere threat of more attacks means more anti-terrorism powers are needed. Which in turn strips individual freedoms. Somewhere, somehow, Osama is laughing at us."
But others were jubliant. One happy-camper outside the White House told reporters,
"I'm glad Osama got what was coming to him. By killing an old unarmed man in his house, we've proven that justice prevails despite the odds. They thought they were so cool burning flags and shouting like barbarians. That's why I'm standing here, waving this flag and shouting like a barbarian. To prove to the Islamofascists that we've definately won, that we're totally better than them, and that we beat them without killing thousands of innocent people in the process."
Osama bin Laden was World Hide and Seek Champion for ten years, ecplising challenger Roual Moat with ease. He is survived by several wives and many children, and a shadowy underground terrorist network.
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