Holding Out for a Hero

Well, these are dark times, peasants. The dragon of austerity is swooping low over the village, looking for young girls to devour, ruining crops and generally making us all pretty miserable. In days gone by, it was fairly easy to find a hero. Samson killed 1,000 Philistines using nothing more than part of a donkey's face, Beowulf kills lots of monsters and their parents, Perseus slew an evil woman with snakes for hair who could turn people to stone, reputed to be an ancestor of Teresa May. The list of heroes goes on, particularly in Greek and Roman mythology, as well as early Britis legends about Camelot and King Arthur and all that jazz. More recently, James Bond overthrew Communism and Jack Bauer defeats global terrorism by extremely dubious means like torture, execution and beating up lawyers.

But where are all the heroes when we need them?

The whole public sector is facing massive cuts, with the private sector and charities set to take the fall. Only, given that it's the private sector and dedicated to making money, I think it's going to take a little more convincing before it suddenly starts acting contrary to hundreds of years of capitalism, but one can be opermistic. Charities could of course, step in, assuming that all they've been doing recently is hoarding gold. Nay, the solution does not rest with society, but the determined actions of heroic individuals who can rise up, fight injustice, and keep us safe.

Now, traditionally, a hero has a few defining characteristics.

1) He is a manly man:

The hero espouses manly virtues, women find him irresistable, men want to be him, and children adore him. He is strong, brave, kind, and loves justice. He does not flinch in the face of certain death, and cooly delivers witty one-liners as he foils wicked plots laid by his enemies. The hero is more than a man. He's a cracking bloke.

2) He has armour:

A hero does not go into battle without his armour. Such notions are foolish. Sometimes, in the case of Conan, his iron hard ribs and chiseled jaw will deflect the worst of the damage, whereas people like King Arthur and Sir Gawain are more traditionally pictured wearing platemail. Batman has his toughened bodyshell, Spiderman has lightning reflexes and the ability to shoot sticky white gunk from his arms, and Superman is invincible, which kind of ruins the whole thing, really. But still, a hero must be armoured both with protection for the body - even if it is just rock hard abs, and for the mind - an unswerving belief in the supreme justice of his cause.

3) He has a weapon.

Of course he has a weapon. How else would he vanquish evil? Sometimes it is an enchanted sword, some sort of Batspray and fists, laser eyes, reflective shields, oversized and overabundant machineguns, wands, or the jawbone of an ass. The hero has a weapon, and with it, he overcomes the baddies and saves the world.

So, with those three criteria in mind, I present to you candidates for the 2010 hero award. All wear armour and carry weapons. All uphold justice and decency. All have come face to face with, and bested, evil.

Simon Harwood

Faced with chaotic scenes at the G20, Simon Harwood had to think fast and take decisive action. Armed only with a metal pole, CS gas, handcuffs, and the strength of his will, Simon managed to best and kill Ian Tomlinson. For those of you who have never heard of Ian, he happened to be known as "The Terror of the West End". At night, Ian would steal into people's houses and eat their newborns while they slept. By day, he was seemingly docile, but what you didn't know what that he could actually turn people inside out using only his eyes. Harwood approaches stealthily from behind, unwilling to endure the same fate as his so many of his brave comrades. When the time is right, Harwood pounces, driving Ian to the floor and shortly after, to his death.

A decorated and dedicated officer of the Met, Harwood is up for nomination today. He espouses all the virtues of manliness required of a hero. He is brave - as shown by tackling the dreaded Ian "Gorgon" Tomlinson. He is humble - as shown by his unwillingness to reveal his identity. And he is virteous - as proved by his aquittal for what some people foolishly believe was "murder".

Sergeant Mark Andrews

Sergeant Mark Andrews also had it tough. When confronted with what was apparently nothing more than a woman sleeping in her car, Andrews intuitively knew something was amiss. When the report came through on the raido that she was actually a metamorphing GIANT COBRA LADY, Andrews knew he had just one choice. Bravery must come naturally to Mark. A former soldier, he knew what he had to do, and he did it. Grabbing Pamela Somerville by her arm, he dragged her towards the nearest police cell.

An important aside here, when handling dangerous snakes, one needs to immobilize the head, which is precisely what Andrews did, sort of. He followed up, thinking nothing of his own safety, by hurling her face first into the floor in order to further disorientate the beast. When it became clear that her acid snake-blood was leaking all over the cell floor, Andrew rushed in to prevent the creature from tunnelling its way out using only its own wounds. It shows the sheer inhuman determination of some people. Unfortunately, Andrews is currently serving six months in jail for daring to tackle Somerville alone. Maybe he should have called in backup. The truth is, no real man, in the heat of the moment, using courage we can never truely fathom, would even consider putting others in danger.

A full round up of the merits of Mark Andrews vs Simon Harwood can be found here.

Next on the list is Sergeant Delroy Smellie 

Like Harwood, Smellie was at the infamous G20 protests, which by all accounts were something a bit like Ragnork, as our brave boys looked certain to be overwhelmed by the Herald of the End Times and all his gribbly monsters. As you can see, Delroy matches all the criteria required of a hero. He is tall, dashing, and strikes a heroic figure in the braying mob, their banners red with the blood of fallen Policemen. Then you see the approach of what appears to be a small angry gnome. Repeatedly ignoring Smellie's reasonable demands to move back, the hobbit creature approaches closer, gripping a carton of orange juice. Delroy tries to use minimum force, granting a sharp backhand with some reinforced gloves, but then he catches sight of something that must surely chill his blood.

The gnome lady is coming right at him, frothing at the mouth and gibbering incomprehensibly. The fate of all London rests on Smellie's shoulders. Time slows, and what seems like about ten seconds is really - quite obviously - less than two as Smellie draws his baton and lashes out in self defence. The most chilling detail in this whole thing is the carton of orange juice, which might have concealed a bomb, or a gun, or a garotte, or orange juice. Quite rightly, Smellie was not convicted of any misconduct. He acted appropriately and proportionately in what was a difficult situation. If anyone has ever been attacked by a goose, you'll know exactly where Delroy was at that fateful day.

The Unknown Hero

Another day, another riot. This is London, less than a week ago. Disabled Jody McIntyre was blockading a road, attempting to prevent medical supplies and food from reaching needy people in somewhere. Anyway, two officers tackled this guy, and honestly, there should have really been more. Let me put it this way. The guy is mobile. He is young. He has no use of his legs, ergo, he has nothing to lose. He is free to employ them as meaty clubs. Now imagine that. Imagine a world where disabled people can barrel headlong into crowd, flailing around with their useless appendages and battering people to the point of unconciousness. Police react quickly, dragging Joey out of his scythed chariot and placing him away from where he can do any harm.

Jody's blog is here

Friends, we need a hero. We need people like Sergeant Smellie, Andrews, and Harwood. We need protectinng from all the bad things in the world. And in the tradition of all tragic and flawed heroes, most of all, we need protecting from people like them.