The Whitehall Chainsaw Massacre

I was going to avoid this, and do a piece on squirrel genocide that the library computer managed to swallow up completely in its dying seconds a few days ago. In reality? It would be impossible for me to write about anything other than the spending review today. George Osbourne has let the axe fall, and then taken up the chainsaw in his place. If it were a film, the spending review would be something like Psycho crossed with the Magic Roundabout. A delusional and psychadellic experience in which George murders Zebedee, Dougal and the rest of the cast in a variety of horrific ways - in the spirit of 'fairness' - while the slightly disturbing theme-tune plays over and over again in the background.

Now, before I actually get into the spending review - since I'm as good an economist as I am a blogger, which is to say, bad - I'd like to step back and consider the issue of fairness. This is a slightly warbling pseudo-intellectual rant so if anyone wants to skip to the end where I advocate burning down Parilament, do so now.

Fairness is one of those wonderful words like freedom, democracy, and justice. Even now I feel like I have to make some excuses before I start tearing up the road, because really no one wants to put across that they have a problem with freedom, justice, democracy or fairness. Its just really difficult to do unless you are President  Ahmadinejad, but even then, that's a bit subjective. The problem with fairness is that everyone wants it, and everyone has a different idea of what fairness entails, but no one particularly wants to argue for what might be percieved as "unfairness". A this point, you get a wry smile for reading that the "Budget for Justice" has been cut, and that this year we will be 6% "less-Just", with a full reduction of "23% of our Gross Domestic Justice" (GDJ) over the period. See what I mean?

What I'm driving at here is something along the lines of fairness being what you make of it. Which is to say, it'll be different from what someone else makes of it. I, for example, think that its completely reasonable to torch a cop car in almost any circumstance. Some may disagree.

Anyway, Osbourne is hacking his way through the Public Sector like lumberjacking is going out of fashion. As we know lumberjacks are awesome, this isn't the case. Nor is the necessity to make hundreds of thousands of people economically destitute. I could, at this point, launch into a futile soapbox speech, or painstakingly go through news reports, websites and the blogosphere trying to determine exactly how bad it all is, but I'll just say that its pretty bad. At least, it is for me. Benefits being cut, cost of living, cost of transport up, University top-up fees up - for my eventual retraining as a productive member of society instead of a graduate bum. Fortunately, the Education budget isn't going to suffer as much as some things (for example, Justice), so I might still get out of the otherside with a PGCE, a pat on the back and a shove out the door so I can inflict my opinions on teenagers.

At this point, the abstract issue of fairness would make it fair, in my mind, to ask me what I advocate. But I'll only say "abolition of the wage system" and you'll laugh because you think its neither practical, realistic or fair. Instead, for those patient enough to have endured the earlier part of my ramblings, here's a bone. We're going to burn down Parliament. It is practical, since it would save millions on bureacracy, wages, and all that stuff. It is realistic, as it has been tried before by Mr. Fawes, who's much-celebrated death approaches as inevitably as the continuted ruin of the lower classes. And it is fair. At least, it is to me. Which if you're George Osbourne and the Tory Party, that's about all you need. Anyway, we missed the much publicised and ultimately disappointing "Summer of Rage" a year or two ago, so I'm looking forward to the "random acts of fairness" that will hopefully follow.

It's been commented by the Abbot of Citeaux that we should simply kill them all, and that God will know His own. I can't think of a more apt conclusion.



In related news, 22 million is going to be sliced off the budget for Calderdale, which is concerning to me even if I-certainly-don't-live-there-at-all, because I like the place. An actual practical solution combines two popular Government departments - Counter-Terrorism and Tourism, for the ultimate money generating experience. Now, some people might think that these two make odd bedfellows, until you realize that we have the last remaining Piece Hall in the world.

The plan? Lots and lots of cheap putty, a digital alarm clock and some jump leads. We break into the Piece Hall, pack it full of wired-up Playdough and issue a £22 million ransom demand or we nuke the last bit of history off the map. Obviously, we can't really do that, but it'll probably be for the best when we're up in court. Anyway, the ransom is paid by wealthy historians, art-lovers, businessmen and societies who would hate to see that sort of thing obliterated. The £22 million then pays the council budget for one year. Victory us, I think.