The Ultimate Showdown

Long ago, a drunken comment by a friend of mine raised the burning issue of what was the hardest thing on the planet we could possible take down in a cage fight. Mentioned associate believed that he could conceivably take Vladimir Putin, ex premier of Russia. Of course, this can be empirically tested - and indeed has been - and found to be false. Mr. Crowther is around five eight, on normal side of beer-swilling, bacon gobbling unhealthy that we all fall into, and has no previous combat experience. While I cannot readily find the size and weight of Vladimir Putin, I think these photos readily summarize the chance of him losing to an irate Yorkshireman.

Here, here, and here.

Putin - an ex KGB colonel who spends his time mainly doing manly outdoor pursuits such as removing his shirt to hunt bears with a huge gun - would unfortunately dismember Mr. Crowther before resurrecting him in order to kill him some more. As for my idea of all wars being resolved between the respective leaders in a cage fight - Russia would probably be ranked fairly highly on the potential 'world domination' scale.

However, far more rationally, I suggested that it was not unfair to say I could win combat against an Andean condor. Now, why I would fight a condor is not really the point anymore. The point is, I would win. This is my opponent.

I am become death, destroyer of worlds.

Because this is a highly intellectual discussion, I have utilized wikipedia for its academic neutrality and scientific reliability to get the vital statistics of the Andean condor.

The Condor:
Sharp, flesh tearing beak
Packing a wingspan about ten feet.
Five feet in length.
Blunt claws
No eyelids
Doesn't kill its own prey
Max weight - 15 KG
Endangered species

The Challenger
Cutting sarcastic remarks
Arm span of about five feet
Around six foot in length
No claws, but hands
Eyelids
Doesn't kill own prey
Estimated weight - 11 stone
Not endangered species

As we can clearly see, the Andean condor is already at a huge disadvantage. Obviously, because it is not as tough as a twenty-something Yorkshireman, it has already been placed on the endangered species list - and I merely postulate - the exact reason for this is because I am very dangerous to condors. It is severely outweighted, putting us in a completely different category, but this is merely academic at this point, since we'd be fighting anyway.

The condor doesn't kill its own prey. While I do not kill my own prey either, this is because human society has supermarkets. It is safe to say that we, as a species, generally kill our own prey. Further disadvantages for the condor lie in the fact that it simply has no arms. I think this is very important. Having four reliable limbs is better than two, in my opinion. It would be perfectly possible to immobilize the condor's neck with one hand, while pummelling it with the other. Obviously, the flapping wings would create the impression I was attempting to put up a tent in a storm, but I'm confident I could land some good hits. This would be the decider, I think, as the condor has a weak sternum.

Crucially, the condor has no eyelids. This might seem unimportant, but to me it is very important. Anyone not possessing eyelids is already at a huge disadvantage, and does not even have the minimum of protection against me pushing my thumbs into its eyes.

Now, it wouldn't go all my way. It does have powerful legs and a sharp beak, which would need to be taken out of the equation pretty quickly. It can fly, which gives it the element of surprise and the ease of escape. However, these things aside, the Condor is not really any more dangerous than the average goose, really. Now, geese are dangerous - and seem to be permanently on a cocaine bender which infuses them with bold fearlessness and the feeling of invulnerability. But still. Perhaps a condor on cocaine would be more of a challenge?

It has since been pointed out to me by a tactical advisor that the Condor, being capable of flight, will possibly have the element of suprise and time to gather speed. Some of you may have already thought about this. It is a fair point, but for one fatal flaw. Once again, I'm going to point out that Condors are an endangered species. Because I am dangerous to Condors.