Get it Right

"Learn the lessons of Iraq," Blair warns Cameron

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has hit out at David Cameron's proposed extermination of the poor, calling welfare reforms "slow, costly, and and inefficient."

"You cannot destroy an entire civilization by slowly strangling it economically," said Mr. Blair. "If David Cameron is serious about the wholesale genocide of the working class, then he should look at historical examples. We imposed sanctions on Iraq from before the first Gulf War, and while we starved thousands of Iraqi citizens to a slow and painful death, ultimately, it did not work."

"In the end, we achieved more by bombing the shit out of Iraq than we ever did with sanctions. If it wasn't for international pressure and the attention of the world's media, I'm fairly confident we could have killed them all. You cannot conduct the successful extermination of Britain's populace if your mortality rate does not exceed population growth. It is simple economics. Bloody, violent economics of human suffering."

"I would be Prime Minister again," added Mr. Blair, "And where Mr. Cameron would fuck you slowly, I will give it to the people of Britain rough and unsheathed."

I'm prepared to kill again.

Downing Street hit back at the allegations of waste.

"What benefit do we reap from killing the poor?" laughed Defence Secretary Phillip Hammond. "If we starve and oppress them while crucially leaving enough alive, we should have ample fuel for our new meat-powered fighting robot."

The robot, a two hundred foot behemoth carved into the likeness of Margret Thatcher, will initially be used to defend the Olympic games against extraterrestrial threats, Japanese dinosaurs and humungous gorillas.

A Slow Genocide

"Kill them all," Cameron Urges

Daivd Cameron has urged his backbenchers to "remain steadfast" in their conviction to kill as many poor people as possible. The PM was addressing the House of Commons over proposals for the new Welfare Reforms. He admitted that "tough decisions" had to be made over who and exactly how many impoverished serfs should be exterminated in order to meet stringent spending cuts.

"Cameron is boldy marching us towards the Nazi dystopia I've always prayed for," said one backbencher dreamily. "I want a world populated by wretched, emaciated peasants, smog choked by the burning bodies of their own children."

"We will cremate them on pyres fueled by their offspring," confirmed Mr. Cameron.

The proposed criteria for welfare reform were outlined in a speech delivered by Home Secretary Theresa May and Defence Secretary Philip Hammond after the Prime Minister entered a trance-like state during the exchange and began to mumble about his "holy mission".

A breakdown is provided below.

1. Sterilization of  sickness and incapacity claimants.
2. Unemployed claimants of JSA to work voluntary for sixteen hours a day. Recipients will be executed if they have failed to find employment after a period of ten weeks, before being used to feed and warm the elderly.
3. Housing benefit will be reduced to match the weekly cost of a large cardboard box, a mug for rainwater and half a loaf of stale bread. It is expected that replacement mugs will incur a further reduction in benefits.
4. Any crime committed while in receipt of welfare will now carry the death penalty.
5. Single parents will be expected to find work or be relocated to breeding farms in the countryside.
6. Large families will have their benefits reduced, and may only keep two of their children. In cases where three or more children are present in the family, the surplus will be used for experimental weapons testing.

Mr. Cameron has defended his plans for the reforms, stating that Conservative policy "from the outset" was to "kill them all". He has allayed protests from religious leaders by claiming "God will know His own."

NATO leaders react to reports of a virus bomb in Middlesbrough

While not wishing to comment on individual cases, an insider confirmed there was a "strong possibility" that the Prime Minister was going to destroy Newcastle from orbit using high yield tactical nukes.

"There has been some discussion on turning the entire North East into a poisoned and irradiated Hell lasting a thousand years." our source claimed.

Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister and leader of the Liberal Democracts, denounced the plans as 'insane'.

"You have to understand," said Mr. Clegg as he necked his third bottle of Colvonia, "There's nothing I can do. He has my family."

"Oh god, I'm in balls deep and I don't how to stop him."