Inner Workings

It is the sum of all fears. Ken Clarke has apparently found a way to liquidise himself and get right into the water supply like radiation from a dirty bomb. The Tory MP, of rape is sometimes not rape fame is undoubtedly contorting his leathery wrinkled face into something approaching manic euphoria. At least I imagine he would be if he wasn't a mummified cadaver dressed in a suit and was still capable of human emotions. Despite a UN resolution stating that 'Ken Clarke is not cool and everything he says is a lie', lots of people seem to be coming round to his point of view. Like I said, he's in the water or something.

Recently, it wouldn't be unfair to say the political weather has been 'a tad rapey'. Julian Assange has strenuously denied claims that he raped some people in Sweden and merely had sex with their unconscious bodies - something he has in common with Peter Sutcliffe. Getting your tackle into someone while they're out cold is generally considered a bit of a dickish thing to do, so Sweden are trying to extradite him back to their country, probably to black bag him and send him off to another country, but that's by the by.

Julian needed a friend, so step forward all-round good-guy George Galloway, a man so singularly unhelpful that people are afraid his support will undermine any good they're trying to accomplish. It is not unfair to say that everything he touches turns to ash. However, since Assange is locked in the Ecuadorian embassy, he could presumably only watch in horror as Galloway waded into the discussion like a maddened bear swinging a chainsaw at a children's tea-party.

Not helpful George.

If Julian was hoping that the issue of rape would maybe go away and take a short holiday somewhere warm and tropical, he was disappointed because Galloway has held it on the front page of news websites like misplaced superglue. The ensuring media carnage from George's hamfisted attempts at help are further proof that having him on your side is like passing a machinegun to a three-year old and asking him to 'watch your back.'

Galloway, of the ironically named 'Respect Party', said that it was "bad etiquette" not to ask someones permission before having sex with them, but didn't quite manage to make the small step to confirming "because it's rape", but instead just left it there. It is bad manners to go all in on someone while they're asleep, but it isn't legitimate rape, apparently. Fortunately for George, there is an Official Guide to Legitimate Rape in this brilliant article from Jezebel.

Sadly, Jezebel isn't responding to Galloway - a man who crawled around pretending to be a cat just so people would notice him - but is instead having a shot at Todd Akin, a dude who missed his obvious calling as a gynaecologist and instead became a GOP senator. Mr. Akin said in a press conference that in cases of 'Legitimate Rape' a women's body automatically goes into self defence mode, complete with lasers and stuff, and shuts down all the 'bad' sperm so that she doesn't get pregnant. And even if she did get pregnant - says Akin - we should punish the rapist, and not punish the child. But presumably punish the victim, too, by denying her an abortion. Just in case it wasn't legit (obviously)...

But the acidic sperm-melting secretions are not the only natural defence mechanism a woman has against pregnancy. According to Henry Aldridge, "The facts show that people who are raped — who are truly raped — the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work and they don't get pregnant. Medical authorities agree that this is a rarity, if ever." If the poison-ducts don't work, the female body dries up inside like a shrivelled prune and becomes a desolate wilderness devoid of anything related to babies. But only in genuine cases. All you need to worry about now is if you've been truly raped or not. Please consult your rape handbook for further advice.

Or just ask Ken Clarke, Todd Akin, George Galloway or Henry Aldridge. I'm sure a bunch of old men can tell you.