Better to Reign in Hell

Britain to be 'overrun by daemons' by 2050

A leading right-wing think tank issued a stark warning to the government yesterday, stating that if current rates of immigration were left unchecked, the United Kingdom would have a majority population of foreign demonic entities by 2050.

"We have seen a rise in the number of middle eastern and Indian deamons crossing from France in the last five years. This has put a considerable strain on our traditional ghostly women standing in windows and horsemen galloping across the moors."

"If current immigration rates remain constant, we will be overrun by daemons in less than 40 years time."

The news has been criticised by senior Conservative Party Officials. Herbet Derbingham, MP for West Countryshire, commented.

"While my own stomping ground continues to provide fresh virgins for me to occasionally possess and contort into strange positions, some local businessmen in my constituency have found themselves unable to scream in the night and throw furniture across the room for fear of upsetting the Djin over in Elmswood."

"It is political correctness gone mad."

"Britain is a Christian nation, and as such, belongs to inhabitants of the Christian version of Hell."

Immigration topped the bill at a recent Conservative Party Conference.

Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, added.

"While we are well versed in performing exorcisms on British demons, we are not allowed to cast out deamons belonging to other cultures for fear of stirring up racial hatred."

"This has led to a number of incidents where denzins of the infernal plains have ran unchecked, most recently in Shrewsbury where a local farmer found his entire herd of cattle had galloped into a nearby reseveroir."

David Cameron played down criticisms as his forked tongue flickered in the air.

"Britain has a diverse collection of monsters, and we pride ourselves on being an nation almost entirely inhabited by souless abominations that feed on the anguish and suffering of others."

"If other culture's daemons wish to settle in Britain, that is fine. We will enjoy devouring their exotically flavoured souls."