Recycling Old News

Quite literally old news. I was supposed to post this in December and honestly cannot remember why. Maybe because it's obviously half arsed filler material? I don't know...

Watchdog Suggests Substituting Policemen with Firemen.

A study carried out by London School of Economics and The Guardian has found that anger at police helped fuel the riots that gripped Britain in August 2011. In an effort to prevent this from happening again, a Watchdog has suggested the introduction of riot tactics, which include replacing the popular hate figures with generally nice firefighters, effectively trained in the use of heavy fire suppression units and watercannons. The group - Watercannon All Natives Knowingly Exercising Rights [WANKER], has suggested that using watercannons to blast people off their feet with hundreds of gallons of foul liquid would minimise injury and protect the public. Unfortunately, they cost a lot and have to operate in pairs to guarantee flaying the skin off people.

So safe you can break-dance.

Police Crack Down on Illegal Do-Gooders

Police in Orlando have arrested several members of a group distributing food to homeless people. A spokesperson for the police said, "With the season of good-will upon us already, we need to be extra careful. Homeless people defaecate on local buildings, damaging brickwork with their highly acidic stool. They're a public nuisance and cost thousands of dollars in pest control. Feeding them will only encourage congregations of homeless people to gather in places." Before adding, "We're not against a bit of charity, in moderation, but people should remember not to take the piss when it comes to helping others."

A Bad Year for Dictators, People Observe

After the Arab Spring, 2011 was a bad year for wilfully malevolent people, someone has noted absently. The most recently departed leader is North Korean Premier Kim Jong Il, who finally passed away after a long battle with cosmic justice. A disbelieving world is still trying to make sense of it all. "Kim Jong is dead?" asked one bemused human, "I didn't even know he was Il."

But really, he was a monster.

The closed nation has called for a ten day mourning period, highlighting how much the departed leader will be Commumissed. Worried onlookers are wondering if it is possible for Karma to maintain its present level of ass-kicking, and if this is necessarily a good thing.


Reports of my Death have been Greatly Exaggerated, Says Bon Jovi


Bon Jovi has tweeted to prove he is not dead. This has made the news. We expect a statement from David Bowie later to deny allegations that he stuffed his tights during filming of the 1986 film Labyrinth. This follows a recent trend of celebrity clarifications which started back in June when Duchess Middleton admitted she could 'honestly couldn't give a fuck about the peasants' during Piers Morgan's Life Stories.

I'm not dead, just to clear that up.

Thieves Launch Damning Critique of Art

Thieves in Southwark, London, have made a damning critique of modern art by stealing a statue valued at over £400,000. The statue, entitled, 'Two Forms, Divided Circle, I Honestly Can't Believe You Think This is Art, I'm so Laughing at You', has been pinched by scrap metal merchants. People have been quick to condemn this, offer a reward for it's safe return and point out that it is worth much, much more the way it is than just as metal alone. Rational minded people everywhere have tried to draw attention to just how stupid this idea actually is. A source close to the thieves has knowingly remarked 'It wasn't worth £400,000 guv, but we did get a monkey from big Al.'