Cake or Death?

It is always going to be a terrible blogpost when it opens with "at risk of sounding like a Daily Mail reader", but there you go. At risk of sounding like a Daily Mail reader:

Lolwhut?

Sometimes, something on the news takes you so by suprise you have to do a short unplanned blog post about it. And here it is. A school in Dorest has banned cake over "health fears", and will fly the George Cross instead of permitting these sugary deathtraps on school grounds.

Yes. Cake is banned.

"The move was backed by both parents and children at the school in Bourton, which will fly an England flag instead.

Head teacher Michael Salisbury said: "There's just too much sugar coming into school.""

Cake has long been a contentious issue in schools, with many people calling for it to be banned altogether, because of the inherant dangers in using it.

Alright, seriously?

Even BBC News have managed to make it sound like a spoof, and I really wouldn't be surprised if it was. Let me introduce you to a speech by Mr. Sailsbury, the Headteacher, who manages to make children's birthday celebrations sound like binge drinking in a prison.

"Our parents think it's a very good idea and I have been really impressed by their views coming through and that they are not passing cakes over the school wall. We have got too much into the cake buying culture as a society. We are not saying don't have a cake on your birthday, we are not draconian about it, we just want to be in control of the amount."

Cake, like common entrance exams, incandescent lightbulbs, the retirement age, the Disability Fund, and Cheques, will be gradually phased out. Persumably to shield people from the trauma of losing it in one go. Hopefully, the proposed installation of 'cake detectors' can limit or control the number of cakes that are coming into school.

In place, we shall have the "just as fun" birthday alternative: Nationalism. The George Cross will be flown on birthdays. With any luck, children will be premitted to salute it, or even march past whilst singing Land of Hope and Glory. But why not stop there? Why not ban sweets and chocolate also? We could substitute them with additional English History lessons focussing on race riots. Even that is just the beginning. We could abolish fun, presents, non uniform days, charitable events, and toys at wet playtimes. In exchange, we can offer additional courses in xenophobia, water-cannon operation, and free membership to the British National Party.