Tune In, Drop Out

It's not every day a request for an album review lands on my desk. And since I don't own a desk and wasn't asked to do it, today is no different from usual. I will be turning my tone deaf ears to listen to the latest droppings that have fallen from the collective arsehole that is Chainsaw Penis.

Album Review: Chainsaw Penis - Disregard Females, Acquire Chainsaws

I don't generally do music reviews because I know nothing about music so even when confronted with a band that knows nothing about music either the entire thing is just the blind leading the blind. Or the blind leading a horse's placenta on a rope through a minefield. I don't want to dwell on that too much and neither should you.

On first impressions, Chainsaw Penis are just one of those bands that demands your attention like a man in a dark alley with a clawhammer. The premise is trolling the music industry, or something, anything but a circle-jerk, honest, but they seem to be at least reasonably good at getting gigs and onto magazines and having people review their albums so I'll let them off. I don't want to waste too much time talking about the band because I can do that in another post once they're all dead or in prison.

Get On With It.

Listening to DF / AC was one of the single most chilling experiences of my life. While I wouldn't call it music, exactly, the noise that Chainsaw Penis make actually has a texture. It's kind of difficult to describe, but it's oily and repulsive and I can't listen to it without visualizing the cold, bulbous eyes an eel staring through my soul.

What was Bad:

Broadly speaking all of it was atrocious, and even a word like that is being generous. It was an audio-holocaust. There aren't enough letters to describe what is was but FnGS2trrRi#L4hhh@86zXC!??kraf7^209bvaqE will have to suffice for now. Or you could have the thesaurus results for atrocious, I guess.

Execrable is pretty close

My least favorite track is a race to the bottom between all of them. For example, 'Epic Ocarina Guy' is so disjointed it sounds like a primary school class have been given access to the music cupboard, grabbed a bunch of recorders, got pumped full of MDMA and were told to 'get on with it'. Half of the other songs are sung in the language that gorilla's must use when people aren't around, rendering them nigh on unintelligible. Words I never thought I'd utter were 'I was looking forward to Cagezilla vs Mech-Saville', but I was, only to find I couldn't make out much of it over the gunfire and screams, but if you're going to try to write an album review whilst shooting up a wedding then I suppose it's your own fault.

The music itself is thrown together with some enthusiasm but I can't really work out how it was supposed to sound. It's the kind of result you get when encounter an illegal cockfight between a set of drums and a guitar that's taking place in a dusty warehouse underwater. The drums are up for it but the guitar looks a bit confused at all the people who are surrounding them, sneering and shouting and waving fistfuls of money. Without knowing what to do, the two instruments just collide into each other, making a lot of noise until they're both a bloody mess at the feet of an uncaring baying mob.

What was Good:

Okay, so I suppose I grudgingly have to put a 'what was good' section in and since I can't well scream 'NOTHING', I'll have to be generous again.

On the plus side, my favourite track is a toss up between 'I'm a Vampire'  - which I enjoyed because it was so unapologetic about it's lack of creative effort - and that one that I missed because I went into the kitchen to make soup in a mug. Oh, and any track where the Geordie and or Brummy scream profanity in their ridiculous accents. It's dirty but it's sweet, like a turd made out of honey.

If I had to give the album any stars, it would be the ones that are currently collapsing in on themselves before going nova.

When all is said and done, Chainsaw Penis are hard to criticise. They're called Chainsaw Penis, and they are the self-acclaimed "worst band in the universe." One criticism I've heard is that they are, in fact, not the worst band in the universe. Let's not fuck around with this one. It doesn't have to be true - it's not even remotely quantifiable. I'm told the gigs are passably enjoyable, and the members I know personally are a lot of fun, especially if you're regarding them clinically from behind a one-way sheet of bulletproof glass. The point I'm trying to make is that people who genuinely find nothing enjoyable about  Chainsaw Penis are just not getting it. You know exactly what you're about to listen to. You came prepared to be lathered in disappointment. Condemning them for being terrible is like turning up to a keg party with a sack of disembodied cocks and then complaining when everyone starts getting fucked. It's a classic case of the 'stop having fun guy'. Only, you know, with a sack of disembodied cocks.

Fucking weirdo.

What Others Said:

"This album is so awful it's like having a dog throw up on my shoes" - The Times

"Pure, unadulterated noise does not even begin to describe this band. Unadulterated noise does not sound like Angels dying." - The Guardian

"I laughed so hard I shit myself a little bit. But afterwards I listened to Chainsaw Penis' new album and had a brain hemorrhage." - Stewart Lee

"I will definitely be speaking to my lawyers." - Nicholas Cage

"To describe this as music would be to insult even the most utterly inept, god-awful musicians that have ever lived." - Steven Fry

"Reviewing this CD was like having my gall bladder devoured by ravenous jackals." - Noel Edmonds

"Disregard Females, Acquire Chainsaws is the single biggest tragedy to befall the music industry since The Day the Music Died." - Paul Rambali

"Let my family go you son of a bitch" - Vincent Blackwell