Bacteria Nation

It is almost impossible today to watch the idiot box without encountering yet another commercial about bacteria. We have half a dozen yogurt adverts, telling us in what is arguably the most patronizing way possible why we should stock up on "good" bacteria in our bodies. Good bacteria - as if bacteria could possess higher emotional function allowing them to choose between good and evil - help keep our bodies healthy and strong. And apparently they've only just been discovered, given the recent swathe of condescending dairy propaganda that's being churned out. That's right, the television is trying to encourage me to neck a shot of pale liquid filled with writhing microscopic life forms every morning to help keep healthy, as if it were something I'd been lacking all this time, like a marooned pirate, an astronaut on the International Space Station, or a trapped Chilean miner.

On the other hand, we're continuously beset on all sides by the tyrannies of "bad" bacteria. As mankind flounders in this sea of darkness, various chemical sprays designed to ensure that your children never develop an immune system have been created to nuke these fanatical microorganisms back into the Stone Age. You know the adverts - the ones for bleach or surface cleanser or soap. Most are aided by a disturbing visual of glowing uranium enriched slugs, sometimes donning military hats, large Mexican moustaches or Soviet Bond-villain accents, colonising the toilet, the kitchen surface, or preparing an ambush on your children's clothes, boots and motorcycle. Like characters in a macabre power-point presentation, these disgusting "bad" bacteria swim about for a few moments on our screen, plotting world domination set against the mono-colour backdrop of a toilet with a serious voice over telling us just how many of these widowmakers are lurking "under the rim".

So deep seated is our concern with these invisible monsters, Dettol have produced a soap pump that lets you get soap without touching anything. I'm all for technological advancements and improved hygiene, but lets take a step back. The premise of the advert runs exactly like the ones detailed above. A close up of your soap pump reveals that it is covered in hairy green slugs hell-bent on extinguishing human life forever. Dettol provides the solution by giving us a motion sensitive pump that lets us get soap without even touching anything. Thinking about this rationally, you're going to touch the already bacteria infested towels, sink and taps during your ritual cleansing process. Furthermore, you touch the bacteria ridden soap pump, get soap, and then wash your hands. At what point, once you've finished washing, do you go back and rub the dirty pump for good luck? When are you going to care about the bacteria on that thing that you don't need to touch until you next wash your hands?

All I'm saying is that we've gone a little too far.

Now, obviously these dark visuals are kind of upsetting, and no one wants a toilet that looks like it over-indulged in black-forest gateau, but any sane person has to wonder at what point you will ever feel the compulsion to lick the inside of your own toilet? Perhaps that's the most disturbing thought of all. Bring on the chemical warfare suits and sterile gloves. Death to all that it dirty - and given that you can't see bacteria at all, that could be anything. Cue paranoia. Better boost that immune system with a shot of questionable liquid.