Curriculum Vitae

In an attempt to finally find lasting employment, I am putting my CV out there for people to comment upon, hopefully helping to streamline the data and highlight my potential.


Dear Sir,

I was very pleased to learn of a vacancy in the putrid mire of corruption that passes for your company. My enthusiasm, spurred by depression, alcohol abuse and financial ruin has led me to apply for the advertised position. Please find my attached CV.

Kind regards,

Citizen Stevie.

Profile

I am experienced and decorated veteran of several retail chains. I saw action in the filthy pits of several grim northern towns, an experience I am assured is not entirely unlike Beirut. I have great interpersonal skills so long as the rest of the workforce shares my ignorant hate-fuelled opinions. My core strengths have been further supplemented by my University education, which involved high levels of critical analysis, selective reading, arguing with morons and a willingness to perform degrading acts of dubious morality with members of the teaching staff.

Education
University of Self-Importance: BA in Studies of Dubious Academic Merit (2010).
Dole Dodging Inner City College: Generic Studies (A),  Politicology (B), Cynicism (B) The Depressing History of Communism and Fascism (C) and English Literature (D) 
NCPLH Training (2008)
Fire Extinguisher Training (2011)
First Aid Training (2011)

Work History
 
General Retail Work - Supervisor 2007-2010
After demonstrating my superiority over my fellow vermin, I was promoted to Supervisor. The core skills in petty middle-management I developed included.

• Delegation of pointless objectives to people below me.  
• Demonstrating my honesty by not stealing from work due to a lack of opportunity
• Innovation by stealing things that were never missed
• De-escalation of conflict and crisis management without recourse to physical violence on over 60% of occasions.
• Disapproving stares, petty quibbles and mean spirited comments

I also performed general administrative tasks obviously designed by a malicious orangutan. I frequently interacted with varying levels of management, all of which were dicks, and helped lead a diverse team of trusting and vulnerable innocents into the very mouth of Hell in the name of corporate greed.

DO YOU WANT A BAG WITH THAT?

General Retail Work 2006-2007
As a general retail worker, my duties included robotic task repetition, cleaning,  humouring peasants and counting enormous piles of other peoples money.


Warehouse Worker (2005)
As a warehouse operative, I learned the value of efficiency, punctuality and hard work. This initial enthusiasm was quickly killed and buried under the patio by the cold reality of the working environment, the goal of which is to do as little as possible and blame everyone else.