Cataggeddon

I have a cat. That's not to say it's my cat, especially when it has been naughty. It is a cat, that happens to live in my house. Which is not to say it's my house, it's just where I live. All that clarified, I've got a problem with  my unbalanced feline housemate. The issue I have is that he is completely and utterly psychotic. And not in an adorable way, like Gogo from Kill Bill.

A trip to the vet revealed that the cat may be prone to violent and unprovoked rages, involving biting and scratching. It seems to have an inability to feel pain and is only afraid of vaccum cleaners. At its worst, the demented animal flies into a vicious whirlwind of carnage, which has included smashing vases, knocking over flaming candles, and mauling anyone caught nearby. Specifically, on the flesh. It knows which bits are flesh, and deliberately goes for them.

Other hobbies include noiselessly breaking wind behind you, before looking disgusted and going to sit with the girlfriend and joining in the accusing stares. Odie also enjoys eating grease, butter, garlic, bread, tomato soup, pasta, and chicken curry. He is not in favour of onions. When not sleeping, he contents himself with tearing ornaments off the Christmas tree while watching for a reaction.

"Male tabby. Bengal father. Six weeks old."

We should have been tipped off at the time of buying him that, basically, dear Odie might not be all there. Particularly when he hurtled flat-out into a wall, stunning himself and staggering around in a cartoon-daze. But of course, we were stupid. We laughed. Isn't he adorable? With his tiny dagger-like teeth and complete lack of depth perception. He's trying to bite us, what a sweetie.

It's been three months of agaonizing torture. It is not easy living with a cat who has the personality of Alex from A Clockwork Orange. He is prone to bouts of hyper-violence, and if anyone knows anything about hyper-violence, it is quantifiably worse than ultra-violence, which is fairly bad. He also has a... thing... for my girlfriend's dressing gown, and will contentedly chew on it while gently massaging any part of her body trapped underneath. This will go on for hours. If disturbed, he becomes aggressive.

They say back in Leeds he killed three other cats. And two police officers.

It's a cautionary tale about being careful what you wish for. Or basically, making sure you're always good because Karma is pretty vengeful. I don't know what I've done, but I've been 'blessed' with a cat that has proven psychological disorders and a propensity towards extreme outbusts of harrowing ferociousness. Corrective therapy, training, and limited use of electrode-torture haven't made any discernable impact on calming him down. Even neutering him hasn't worked - although assuming that chopping off the man-parts of the cat would calm him down was pretty unrealsitic in my opinion. I know I certainly wouldn't be impressed.

If anything happens to me, you're going to have to nuke the site from orbit.

It's the only way to be sure.

He's watching me now. Cats have a unique way of conveying disgust and utter, inhuman contempt towards other living creatures. It's frightening.