Higher Standards

United Kingdom 'Remarkably Self-Righteous', Muses World.

Pictures of Princess Katherine without her top on have been widely circulated by foreign media, prompting outraged Britons to take to the Internet in protest.

"It is absolutely sickening that a woman has pictures taken of her, without her clothes on, without her knowledge" said IT Worker Terry Holdsworth from behind his locked bedroom door. "These pictures of her glistening, naked breasts sunning themselves on her magnificently perfect upper class chest are an abomination. No true Englishman would take this lying down."

"Now can you leave me alone, I only have ten minutes before my wife gets home and I'm trying to look a pictures of women with no clothes on. Importantly, these women have decided the necessity of feeding their children to be a worthy case for nudity. It isn't just an issue of consent, it's an issue of social standing, and how we, as a society, view women as a whole."

"Generally, naked. But only the poor ones."

Local Van Driver Pete McGuffin expressed outrage at the pictures, stating that, "Trust those filthy fucking foreigners to degrade our monarchy like that. Set of bastards, that's what they are," before pausing briefly to yell sexual obscenities at teenage girls in school uniform.

"They love it, filthy slags." He chuckled.

Herbert Derbingham, MP for West Countryshire, hit out at foreign reporters taking pictures of the princess, comparing her to the late Princess Diana, 'The People's Princes'.

"We do not want to turn her into another Diana. You know, eloping with a millionaire playboy before being involved in a fatal car accident after living the last few years of her life in miserable pampered luxury with millions of adoring sycophants."

The last days of a truely tortured individual. Definately not posted in a British tabloid.

Professor Stibbons, working on behalf of the Institute of Social Things and Other Trends, stated that.

"What we are seeing is a self-righteous reaction delivered without even a trace of irony or double standards by the British public, particularly those most likely to have less-than-progressive views on women and/or foreigners.It is unfortunate that, as a dark reflection of the society we live in, the very same thousands of people who are annoyed by this watched Jade Goody take a trip to the undiscovered country by following her every dying breath with the rapt attention associated with ghoulish meerkats. This includes buying and reading the memorial issue of Hello Magazine while she was actually still alive."

"What the fuck is wrong with people, anyway? Seriously, there are seven billion people on this planet, what the hell are you fawning clowns playing at? Get your shit together, you're starting to creep us out."

Killer Instinct

"And, the worst part of my day, was the private contractor in charge of the investigation is an ex-copper."

I nodded in a manner that was no doubt sagely. If I had a beard, I would have stroked it. I don't have a beard, because if I had a beard I would spend all day stroking it like a weirdo.

"I just hate pigs," I replied.

You can guarantee, as soon as I have expressed a concrete opinion on just about anything, something will immediately come up to make me look like a magnificent bastard. So it is no surprise that when I flopped down in a chair, cigarette dangling from my mouth and looking every inch the rockstar, Karma triumphantly announced that two police officers had been gunned down in Manchester mere moments before. A cause for celebration, right? Because I'm obviously a fucking psychopath?

Conversely, at the end of the day I'm drinking vodka, shovelling shredded duck into my mouth like it is going out of fashion, and watching 'Speeders' on Dave. You know, Speeders? That cop show where a retired woman has been chased down by a guy called 'Officer Slaughter' and the funny out-takes at the end has a 15 year old girl accidentally reversing into a police cruiser before having two guns pointed at her and men screaming to 'GET OUT OF THE CAR. GET ON THE FLOOR. ON THE FLOOOOOOOORRRRRRR.'. Uh, yeah. True story.

Police medic in action, G20.

Now, it isn't unusual for me to express my dislike for 'da police'. It is not unusual for my friends to express dislike for the police. But, I think, if the idea of shooting two people in cold blood doesn't send a chill down your spine, regardless of your ideological persuasion, you might have lost your way a bit. When people have began to resemble animated pieces of meat you should probably get your shit together.

Which brings me neatly on to Lord Norman Tebbit, a man whose leathery face and thousand yard stare marks him as a person who could comfortably bathe in people's entrails without being the least bit upset. Which is, weirdly, almost what he said. Tebbit wants to bring back the death penalty for people who murder other people. This is why:

""The hard fact is, as violent criminals know perfectly well, a credible threat that a man will lose his life unless he complies with a demand usually results in obedience.""""

The small problem with that otherwise deadly sane argument is this.

The credible threat that the "man with the gun will empty it into your face unless you hand over enormous piles of someone else's money" doesn't have the same motivators, the same passion, or the same risk/gratification as the possibility of being executed for murder. The idea that "if you kill someone, hopefully we will eventually catch you, subject you to a lengthy trial, and then maybe get a group of jurors to decide if you live or die," is not any sort of deterrent to the possibly deranged and extremely angry person who, after years of abuse, puts a live hand grenade into the Go-Compare singer's mouth. Putting murder - be it heat of the moment or coldly premeditated - on a par with a street mugging is a non-argument. It's like watching a three-year old try to push a square through a triangular hole in a puzzle box. You just want to scream obscenities in his face to make. him. listen.

And nothing screams "justice!" from the rooftops like killing someone because they killed someone. There are complications though, like, what if we convict and kill an innocent person?

Lord Tebbit said concerns that such a penalty would lead to miscarriages of justice - with the innocent executed - would be mitigated by the care juries would take deliberating when they knew a person's life was at stake.

Seriously? I wouldn't trust 99% of the peasants in this backwash pisshole to even know what a jury was, never mind avoid being whipped into a fanatical frenzy by ignorance, Stella, and whatever gutter-trash paper their chips came wrapped in. We would have trial by The Sun and - like shooting innocent people - if that doesn't send a very human shiver down your spine then you need to see a therapist. The moment my life hangs before twelve people who have purposefully dyed their skin orange and managed to abbreviate three letter words, then I will know that all human endeavour has been fruitless. That said, I really don't want my last image to be a fat man with a greasy chin leering down at me over his KFC bargain bucket and screaming "Ere, cut 'is balls uff an feed um ta whippets!"

He said:  "I have kept track year by year since the death penalty was suspended, then abolished, of the number of people who have been killed by persons previously convicted of homicide.

"It has averaged three people a year. About 150 people killed because their killers have been freed to kill again.

"Would our courts have sentenced to death three innocent people a year, year in year out? I doubt it.

 I doubt it? Possible, but unlikely. More like one innocent person, or two. What right does one innocent person have to live if we get to prevent the death of three innocent people by executing murderers? A mistrial here, a tabloid witch-hunt there. It doesn't matter, right? It is all acceptable losses.

Here are four people. We eventually killed John Lennon to save the Beatles.

Perhaps if we brought back the death penalty for everything, crime would evaporate completely and we could spend the rest of our limited miserable days rotting in a false Utopian hell, driven mad by the pure perfection of it all. That'd be pretty sweet.

Better to Reign in Hell

Britain to be 'overrun by daemons' by 2050

A leading right-wing think tank issued a stark warning to the government yesterday, stating that if current rates of immigration were left unchecked, the United Kingdom would have a majority population of foreign demonic entities by 2050.

"We have seen a rise in the number of middle eastern and Indian deamons crossing from France in the last five years. This has put a considerable strain on our traditional ghostly women standing in windows and horsemen galloping across the moors."

"If current immigration rates remain constant, we will be overrun by daemons in less than 40 years time."

The news has been criticised by senior Conservative Party Officials. Herbet Derbingham, MP for West Countryshire, commented.

"While my own stomping ground continues to provide fresh virgins for me to occasionally possess and contort into strange positions, some local businessmen in my constituency have found themselves unable to scream in the night and throw furniture across the room for fear of upsetting the Djin over in Elmswood."

"It is political correctness gone mad."

"Britain is a Christian nation, and as such, belongs to inhabitants of the Christian version of Hell."

Immigration topped the bill at a recent Conservative Party Conference.

Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, added.

"While we are well versed in performing exorcisms on British demons, we are not allowed to cast out deamons belonging to other cultures for fear of stirring up racial hatred."

"This has led to a number of incidents where denzins of the infernal plains have ran unchecked, most recently in Shrewsbury where a local farmer found his entire herd of cattle had galloped into a nearby reseveroir."

David Cameron played down criticisms as his forked tongue flickered in the air.

"Britain has a diverse collection of monsters, and we pride ourselves on being an nation almost entirely inhabited by souless abominations that feed on the anguish and suffering of others."

"If other culture's daemons wish to settle in Britain, that is fine. We will enjoy devouring their exotically flavoured souls."

Inner Workings

It is the sum of all fears. Ken Clarke has apparently found a way to liquidise himself and get right into the water supply like radiation from a dirty bomb. The Tory MP, of rape is sometimes not rape fame is undoubtedly contorting his leathery wrinkled face into something approaching manic euphoria. At least I imagine he would be if he wasn't a mummified cadaver dressed in a suit and was still capable of human emotions. Despite a UN resolution stating that 'Ken Clarke is not cool and everything he says is a lie', lots of people seem to be coming round to his point of view. Like I said, he's in the water or something.

Recently, it wouldn't be unfair to say the political weather has been 'a tad rapey'. Julian Assange has strenuously denied claims that he raped some people in Sweden and merely had sex with their unconscious bodies - something he has in common with Peter Sutcliffe. Getting your tackle into someone while they're out cold is generally considered a bit of a dickish thing to do, so Sweden are trying to extradite him back to their country, probably to black bag him and send him off to another country, but that's by the by.

Julian needed a friend, so step forward all-round good-guy George Galloway, a man so singularly unhelpful that people are afraid his support will undermine any good they're trying to accomplish. It is not unfair to say that everything he touches turns to ash. However, since Assange is locked in the Ecuadorian embassy, he could presumably only watch in horror as Galloway waded into the discussion like a maddened bear swinging a chainsaw at a children's tea-party.

Not helpful George.

If Julian was hoping that the issue of rape would maybe go away and take a short holiday somewhere warm and tropical, he was disappointed because Galloway has held it on the front page of news websites like misplaced superglue. The ensuring media carnage from George's hamfisted attempts at help are further proof that having him on your side is like passing a machinegun to a three-year old and asking him to 'watch your back.'

Galloway, of the ironically named 'Respect Party', said that it was "bad etiquette" not to ask someones permission before having sex with them, but didn't quite manage to make the small step to confirming "because it's rape", but instead just left it there. It is bad manners to go all in on someone while they're asleep, but it isn't legitimate rape, apparently. Fortunately for George, there is an Official Guide to Legitimate Rape in this brilliant article from Jezebel.

Sadly, Jezebel isn't responding to Galloway - a man who crawled around pretending to be a cat just so people would notice him - but is instead having a shot at Todd Akin, a dude who missed his obvious calling as a gynaecologist and instead became a GOP senator. Mr. Akin said in a press conference that in cases of 'Legitimate Rape' a women's body automatically goes into self defence mode, complete with lasers and stuff, and shuts down all the 'bad' sperm so that she doesn't get pregnant. And even if she did get pregnant - says Akin - we should punish the rapist, and not punish the child. But presumably punish the victim, too, by denying her an abortion. Just in case it wasn't legit (obviously)...

But the acidic sperm-melting secretions are not the only natural defence mechanism a woman has against pregnancy. According to Henry Aldridge, "The facts show that people who are raped — who are truly raped — the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work and they don't get pregnant. Medical authorities agree that this is a rarity, if ever." If the poison-ducts don't work, the female body dries up inside like a shrivelled prune and becomes a desolate wilderness devoid of anything related to babies. But only in genuine cases. All you need to worry about now is if you've been truly raped or not. Please consult your rape handbook for further advice.

Or just ask Ken Clarke, Todd Akin, George Galloway or Henry Aldridge. I'm sure a bunch of old men can tell you.

Summing It Up

Danny Boyle Blasted Over 'Gross Misrepresentation' of Britain

Conservative MPs and right wing bloggers blasted Olympic Master of Ceremonies Danny Boyle last week over allegations that he had grossly misrepresented Britain in the Olympic opening ceremony.

"Boyle's fairytale dream of a progressive, diverse and optimistic Britain could not be further from the truth," said MP Herbert Derbingham for West Countryshire.

"It was nothing more than socialist hogwash, glorifying multiculturalism and the public sector while completely washing over our proud heritage of racism, imperialism and collective self-delusion."

"What we should have done was something more in keeping with our national identity. I wanted to see glorious aspects of our culture represented fairly. Cold callers offering insurance, rundown trains filled with bigoted rugby fans, the crash of a thousand boots exemplifying the relentless march of reality television. There could have been a touching portrayal of how daily life has been reduced to a pointless struggle to ensure your ipad is flatter and blacker than the devices of your colleagues."

"In the earlier drafts there was a fantastic light and sound exhibition which was supposed to represent George Osborne hungrily devouring a human soul of exceptional purity, but it was dropped because of 'Political Correctness' and concerns it might upset people. Particularly the grunting, slurping noises and the unworldly screaming which rends the soul and sends chills down the spine."

Boyle was criticised for failing to portray the mind-snapping horror of 21st century Britain.

"At no point did we celebrate the innovative feral cunning of our burgeoning subhuman underclass. We did not laud the self-absorbed ignorance that thrives in our yuppie colonies. Not a single second was dedicated to the bovine stupidity of our 60 million drones. Instead we got something about the NHS, which was really not appropriate. People have died in hospitals. I don't think that's anything to be proud of."

"Boyle had an opportunity to show the world the putrid cancer eating at the heart of our society, but because he's a communist he had to pretend like we're not all on an express elevator to hell."

The Sad Truth

Suicide Up Amongst Readers of '50 Shades of Grey'.

A report published by leading psychiatrists, pathologists and government officials has described a worrying trend in suicides linked to reading E L James' erotic novel series - Fifty Shades.

Citing a 400% increase in deaths this week, the Government has vowed  to act against sale and distribution of the book.

"These figures do not even begin to account for all deaths," said a spokesperson for the Home Secretary's Office. "Only the ones that can directly place a copy of Fifty Shades at the scene of the incident."

'The prose is so terrible it apparently drives people mad with rage.'

"While professionally speaking, we try to avoid using the word 'mad', readers of Fifty Shades can experience considerable dizziness, tiredness and sense of 'wrongness', as if the all of the angles in the house had shifted slightly. In some cases, this can develop into sanity reduction, memory loss, depression and anger, in extreme scenarios - psychosis." Said professor MacFreud of the British Association of Therapists.

James has been criticized by interest groups for making a noose look suggestive.

Single mother Jenny Patrick, 41, described her near-death experience.

"I had just started reading Fifty Shades Darker," she said. "I'd been experiencing headaches and dizziness for several days after the first book. It was late at night and I was having a glass of wine and I reached the point where Anastasia is rambling on about her 'inner goddess doing the dance of the seven veils' and I thought 'You know what, Jenny, between this and the Olympics I don't see a point anymore'. I don't remember much after that but my son had come home from work and wrestled a high-caliber pistol out of my mouth."

Neighbour Frank Bottomly witnessed the drama.

"It was about 10pm when the police showed up. Before long there were paramedics there as well. It's a quiet street, not much happens around here, but one officer told me there had been an incident at number five. I asked if this was something to do with Fifty Shades of Grey and he told me he couldn't comment, but his eyes had taken on a haunted expression."

"The wife and I burned our copy weeks ago." He continued, "I know you won't believe me, but when we threw it in the fire it started screaming. To say the noise was not of this world would be an understatement of intense severity."

The report comes in the wake of a shooting in Waterstones Compton by a man dressed as Christian Grey. According to eyewithness reports, the shooter - named locally as Terry Holdsworth - entered the store brandishing a Kalashnikov rifle and said in a sultry voice, "I'm going to put this inside you", before opening fire.

Interventionalism

Don't Send 'Our Boys' to London, Mothers plead.

Mothers of British service personnel called up to provide security at the Olympic Games have urged Defence Secretary Philip Hammond to reconsider sending troops to the troubled area.

"It's any mother's worst nightmare," confided Sarah Jones, who's son David is in the Yorkshire regiment. "I am proud my lad signed up to serve his country, but I'm just not sure we should be there."

"I don't like it," admitted David, "But it's the job I chose to do. Personally, I'd rather take my chances getting shot at by coked up ragheads in Afghanistan, but I've been assigned to help out at the Olympics."

"The tube is going to be a nightmare," he sighed.
 
France and Germany have hit out at proposed intervention, stating that the United Kingdom 'does not have a mandate for this conflict', and urging the government to act in the best interests of global stability.

Earlier today, the UN Security Council failed to reach a decision over the ongoing Olympic drama.

A Cabinet spokesperson issued a statement, replying to the French and German ambassadors, stating that "...every civilized nation had a duty to act to bring an end to the terrible suffering endured by seven million Londoners."

The spokesperson would not clarify if that would extend to regime change, but one insider remarked,

"There has been a lot of speculation over Boris Johnson recently. I think it is fair to say that he is dangerously unhinged, and poses a significant threat the the international community."

Critics have hit out at government plans to deploy 18,000 personnel to the capital in order to cover the twelve-day Games. The protest group, "Bombs not Bag-Searches"  have issued a fourteen page document outlining the risks posed to soldiers serving in London. These risks include dodgy take-aways, unintelligible cockney accents, 'them faggets (sic) in Soho' and a particularly confusing road-system designed pin soldiers down in a congestion zone before ambushing them with ludicrous penalties. It also 'gets a bit hairy' in certain parts of West London at night, but acknowledges that soldiers training and discipline should ensure minimum casualties and confirmed that the standard pattern SA80 combat rifle is 'pretty tasty during a mugging.'
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"Boris is mad, and intervention could get a lot of our boys killed," Ethan Haw, secretary of "Bombs not Bag-Searches"  told us.

"Once again, the average squaddie finds himself facing a situation he did not create, far from home and in a place he has no vested interest in."

The Military Wives Choir - who rose to prominence last Christmas - have recorded a song entitled, "Baby Don't Go (To London)." Proceeds from the sale will be donated to a fund helping soldiers who attended the Royal Jubilee to rebuild the shattered ruins of their lives.