Better to Reign in Hell

Britain to be 'overrun by daemons' by 2050

A leading right-wing think tank issued a stark warning to the government yesterday, stating that if current rates of immigration were left unchecked, the United Kingdom would have a majority population of foreign demonic entities by 2050.

"We have seen a rise in the number of middle eastern and Indian deamons crossing from France in the last five years. This has put a considerable strain on our traditional ghostly women standing in windows and horsemen galloping across the moors."

"If current immigration rates remain constant, we will be overrun by daemons in less than 40 years time."

The news has been criticised by senior Conservative Party Officials. Herbet Derbingham, MP for West Countryshire, commented.

"While my own stomping ground continues to provide fresh virgins for me to occasionally possess and contort into strange positions, some local businessmen in my constituency have found themselves unable to scream in the night and throw furniture across the room for fear of upsetting the Djin over in Elmswood."

"It is political correctness gone mad."

"Britain is a Christian nation, and as such, belongs to inhabitants of the Christian version of Hell."

Immigration topped the bill at a recent Conservative Party Conference.

Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, added.

"While we are well versed in performing exorcisms on British demons, we are not allowed to cast out deamons belonging to other cultures for fear of stirring up racial hatred."

"This has led to a number of incidents where denzins of the infernal plains have ran unchecked, most recently in Shrewsbury where a local farmer found his entire herd of cattle had galloped into a nearby reseveroir."

David Cameron played down criticisms as his forked tongue flickered in the air.

"Britain has a diverse collection of monsters, and we pride ourselves on being an nation almost entirely inhabited by souless abominations that feed on the anguish and suffering of others."

"If other culture's daemons wish to settle in Britain, that is fine. We will enjoy devouring their exotically flavoured souls."

Inner Workings

It is the sum of all fears. Ken Clarke has apparently found a way to liquidise himself and get right into the water supply like radiation from a dirty bomb. The Tory MP, of rape is sometimes not rape fame is undoubtedly contorting his leathery wrinkled face into something approaching manic euphoria. At least I imagine he would be if he wasn't a mummified cadaver dressed in a suit and was still capable of human emotions. Despite a UN resolution stating that 'Ken Clarke is not cool and everything he says is a lie', lots of people seem to be coming round to his point of view. Like I said, he's in the water or something.

Recently, it wouldn't be unfair to say the political weather has been 'a tad rapey'. Julian Assange has strenuously denied claims that he raped some people in Sweden and merely had sex with their unconscious bodies - something he has in common with Peter Sutcliffe. Getting your tackle into someone while they're out cold is generally considered a bit of a dickish thing to do, so Sweden are trying to extradite him back to their country, probably to black bag him and send him off to another country, but that's by the by.

Julian needed a friend, so step forward all-round good-guy George Galloway, a man so singularly unhelpful that people are afraid his support will undermine any good they're trying to accomplish. It is not unfair to say that everything he touches turns to ash. However, since Assange is locked in the Ecuadorian embassy, he could presumably only watch in horror as Galloway waded into the discussion like a maddened bear swinging a chainsaw at a children's tea-party.

Not helpful George.

If Julian was hoping that the issue of rape would maybe go away and take a short holiday somewhere warm and tropical, he was disappointed because Galloway has held it on the front page of news websites like misplaced superglue. The ensuring media carnage from George's hamfisted attempts at help are further proof that having him on your side is like passing a machinegun to a three-year old and asking him to 'watch your back.'

Galloway, of the ironically named 'Respect Party', said that it was "bad etiquette" not to ask someones permission before having sex with them, but didn't quite manage to make the small step to confirming "because it's rape", but instead just left it there. It is bad manners to go all in on someone while they're asleep, but it isn't legitimate rape, apparently. Fortunately for George, there is an Official Guide to Legitimate Rape in this brilliant article from Jezebel.

Sadly, Jezebel isn't responding to Galloway - a man who crawled around pretending to be a cat just so people would notice him - but is instead having a shot at Todd Akin, a dude who missed his obvious calling as a gynaecologist and instead became a GOP senator. Mr. Akin said in a press conference that in cases of 'Legitimate Rape' a women's body automatically goes into self defence mode, complete with lasers and stuff, and shuts down all the 'bad' sperm so that she doesn't get pregnant. And even if she did get pregnant - says Akin - we should punish the rapist, and not punish the child. But presumably punish the victim, too, by denying her an abortion. Just in case it wasn't legit (obviously)...

But the acidic sperm-melting secretions are not the only natural defence mechanism a woman has against pregnancy. According to Henry Aldridge, "The facts show that people who are raped — who are truly raped — the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work and they don't get pregnant. Medical authorities agree that this is a rarity, if ever." If the poison-ducts don't work, the female body dries up inside like a shrivelled prune and becomes a desolate wilderness devoid of anything related to babies. But only in genuine cases. All you need to worry about now is if you've been truly raped or not. Please consult your rape handbook for further advice.

Or just ask Ken Clarke, Todd Akin, George Galloway or Henry Aldridge. I'm sure a bunch of old men can tell you.

Summing It Up

Danny Boyle Blasted Over 'Gross Misrepresentation' of Britain

Conservative MPs and right wing bloggers blasted Olympic Master of Ceremonies Danny Boyle last week over allegations that he had grossly misrepresented Britain in the Olympic opening ceremony.

"Boyle's fairytale dream of a progressive, diverse and optimistic Britain could not be further from the truth," said MP Herbert Derbingham for West Countryshire.

"It was nothing more than socialist hogwash, glorifying multiculturalism and the public sector while completely washing over our proud heritage of racism, imperialism and collective self-delusion."

"What we should have done was something more in keeping with our national identity. I wanted to see glorious aspects of our culture represented fairly. Cold callers offering insurance, rundown trains filled with bigoted rugby fans, the crash of a thousand boots exemplifying the relentless march of reality television. There could have been a touching portrayal of how daily life has been reduced to a pointless struggle to ensure your ipad is flatter and blacker than the devices of your colleagues."

"In the earlier drafts there was a fantastic light and sound exhibition which was supposed to represent George Osborne hungrily devouring a human soul of exceptional purity, but it was dropped because of 'Political Correctness' and concerns it might upset people. Particularly the grunting, slurping noises and the unworldly screaming which rends the soul and sends chills down the spine."

Boyle was criticised for failing to portray the mind-snapping horror of 21st century Britain.

"At no point did we celebrate the innovative feral cunning of our burgeoning subhuman underclass. We did not laud the self-absorbed ignorance that thrives in our yuppie colonies. Not a single second was dedicated to the bovine stupidity of our 60 million drones. Instead we got something about the NHS, which was really not appropriate. People have died in hospitals. I don't think that's anything to be proud of."

"Boyle had an opportunity to show the world the putrid cancer eating at the heart of our society, but because he's a communist he had to pretend like we're not all on an express elevator to hell."

The Sad Truth

Suicide Up Amongst Readers of '50 Shades of Grey'.

A report published by leading psychiatrists, pathologists and government officials has described a worrying trend in suicides linked to reading E L James' erotic novel series - Fifty Shades.

Citing a 400% increase in deaths this week, the Government has vowed  to act against sale and distribution of the book.

"These figures do not even begin to account for all deaths," said a spokesperson for the Home Secretary's Office. "Only the ones that can directly place a copy of Fifty Shades at the scene of the incident."

'The prose is so terrible it apparently drives people mad with rage.'

"While professionally speaking, we try to avoid using the word 'mad', readers of Fifty Shades can experience considerable dizziness, tiredness and sense of 'wrongness', as if the all of the angles in the house had shifted slightly. In some cases, this can develop into sanity reduction, memory loss, depression and anger, in extreme scenarios - psychosis." Said professor MacFreud of the British Association of Therapists.

James has been criticized by interest groups for making a noose look suggestive.

Single mother Jenny Patrick, 41, described her near-death experience.

"I had just started reading Fifty Shades Darker," she said. "I'd been experiencing headaches and dizziness for several days after the first book. It was late at night and I was having a glass of wine and I reached the point where Anastasia is rambling on about her 'inner goddess doing the dance of the seven veils' and I thought 'You know what, Jenny, between this and the Olympics I don't see a point anymore'. I don't remember much after that but my son had come home from work and wrestled a high-caliber pistol out of my mouth."

Neighbour Frank Bottomly witnessed the drama.

"It was about 10pm when the police showed up. Before long there were paramedics there as well. It's a quiet street, not much happens around here, but one officer told me there had been an incident at number five. I asked if this was something to do with Fifty Shades of Grey and he told me he couldn't comment, but his eyes had taken on a haunted expression."

"The wife and I burned our copy weeks ago." He continued, "I know you won't believe me, but when we threw it in the fire it started screaming. To say the noise was not of this world would be an understatement of intense severity."

The report comes in the wake of a shooting in Waterstones Compton by a man dressed as Christian Grey. According to eyewithness reports, the shooter - named locally as Terry Holdsworth - entered the store brandishing a Kalashnikov rifle and said in a sultry voice, "I'm going to put this inside you", before opening fire.

Interventionalism

Don't Send 'Our Boys' to London, Mothers plead.

Mothers of British service personnel called up to provide security at the Olympic Games have urged Defence Secretary Philip Hammond to reconsider sending troops to the troubled area.

"It's any mother's worst nightmare," confided Sarah Jones, who's son David is in the Yorkshire regiment. "I am proud my lad signed up to serve his country, but I'm just not sure we should be there."

"I don't like it," admitted David, "But it's the job I chose to do. Personally, I'd rather take my chances getting shot at by coked up ragheads in Afghanistan, but I've been assigned to help out at the Olympics."

"The tube is going to be a nightmare," he sighed.
 
France and Germany have hit out at proposed intervention, stating that the United Kingdom 'does not have a mandate for this conflict', and urging the government to act in the best interests of global stability.

Earlier today, the UN Security Council failed to reach a decision over the ongoing Olympic drama.

A Cabinet spokesperson issued a statement, replying to the French and German ambassadors, stating that "...every civilized nation had a duty to act to bring an end to the terrible suffering endured by seven million Londoners."

The spokesperson would not clarify if that would extend to regime change, but one insider remarked,

"There has been a lot of speculation over Boris Johnson recently. I think it is fair to say that he is dangerously unhinged, and poses a significant threat the the international community."

Critics have hit out at government plans to deploy 18,000 personnel to the capital in order to cover the twelve-day Games. The protest group, "Bombs not Bag-Searches"  have issued a fourteen page document outlining the risks posed to soldiers serving in London. These risks include dodgy take-aways, unintelligible cockney accents, 'them faggets (sic) in Soho' and a particularly confusing road-system designed pin soldiers down in a congestion zone before ambushing them with ludicrous penalties. It also 'gets a bit hairy' in certain parts of West London at night, but acknowledges that soldiers training and discipline should ensure minimum casualties and confirmed that the standard pattern SA80 combat rifle is 'pretty tasty during a mugging.'
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"Boris is mad, and intervention could get a lot of our boys killed," Ethan Haw, secretary of "Bombs not Bag-Searches"  told us.

"Once again, the average squaddie finds himself facing a situation he did not create, far from home and in a place he has no vested interest in."

The Military Wives Choir - who rose to prominence last Christmas - have recorded a song entitled, "Baby Don't Go (To London)." Proceeds from the sale will be donated to a fund helping soldiers who attended the Royal Jubilee to rebuild the shattered ruins of their lives.

The Technological Age

Upcoming Hobbit Film to be Screened in Exciting New 9D.

The Hobbit - prequel to blockbuster hit Lord of the Rings based on the book by by JRR Tolkien - will be screened in 9D, it has been claimed.

There has been a recent upsurge in films being screened in 3D as more technology becomes available. Some enterprising screenings - such as Spy Kids 4 - have been described as 4D, providing the audience with scratch and sniff cards to enable the viewer extra immersion in the film. The Hobbit aims to go further, as director Peter Jackson explains.

"Using experimental military technology, we have enabled discerning cinema-goers who desire a more realistic experience to view the film in 9 dimensions," said Mr. Jackson. "We're not at liberty to discuss exactly how this will happen, but it won't involve those inconvenient glasses that have to be worn for the 3D experience we are all familiar with."

Scientists have voiced concerns that the human mind is too fragile to endure perception in 9 dimensions.

It is rumoured that cinema-goers will be able to taste the actors thoughts.

Jackson played down reports that in laboratory tests, mice subjected to a 9D trailer for The Hobbit had ran in circles for a short period of time before appearing to 'psychologically leave the mortal plane and transcend time and space' before 'melting down into a marmalade-like substance and forming a single unitary consciousness'.

"Mice are mice," said the director. "Who knows why they do stuff."

"We tested it on this guy called Rudy Eugene in Florida and he was fine. Said he enjoyed it."

Divine Judgement

Poseidon 'monumentally pissed-off', say Witchdoctors.

Leading witchdoctors and superstitious peasants continued aquatic themed rituals last night in order to appease Poseidon, amid fears that extreme weather encountered by parts of the United Kingdom is directly linked to lapsed worship of the Greek sea-god.

"He is very, very angry." Whispered deluded serf Terry Holdsworth from the Midlands.

In Todmorden, West Yorkshire, local residents drowned three horses in a nearby canal in an effort to be spared a repeat of the torrential flooding that devastated large areas of the Calder Valley two weeks ago.

"The Lord of Foam and Brine hath stretched out his trident and smote us for our hubris," declared local cult leader Donald Greenwood. "The sacrifice must be restored. Only then can we return to the rivers and canals and feast beneath the waters in glory everlasting."

Flood warnings and alerts remain in place across large parts of the United Kingdom.

Residents of Hebden Bridge were forced to smoke their marijuana indoors.

In Newcastle, the local council responded to a flash flood by rounding up the city's homeless as an offering.  They were lashed to a derelict barge before being towed out to sea and set ablaze. The aroma was said to be pleasing unto the waves.

"We shall not mourn for them," said local MP Bob Partridge, "They belong to Poseidon now."

"I was skeptical at first,"  continued Mr. Partridge, "but I've lived in the North East all my life and I've never seen weather like it. It was almost like the wind and rain had come alive."

"We have a long association with the sea up here in Newcastle. With the decline of the shipbuilding industry caused by the Thatcher government, people's faith in the old ways wavered and was replaced by heroin abuse and Special Brew. We have not been keeping up with the appropriate libations."

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams has stated that he remains 'open minded' about the existence of the King of the Drowned Halls.

"As a Christian, I'm obviously a little dubious about the existence of a pantheon of old gods. It opens up a whole debate on other polytheistic religions."

"What I will say is that it is almost certainly linked to the issue of gay marriage. I know the Greeks were fairly keen on homosexuality but this recent maelstrom has proven that Poseidon definitely isn't."