This Just In

For a lack of anything better to do, I thought I'd give a round up of the last week's news. Or something like that. It'll all be better when I don't have to ever leave my house to go online. Tremble mortals.

Russia Defies Nature and Begins Armageddon.

President Medvedev has further complicated an already outrageous universe by decreeing that Russia will stay permanently in summertime. The clocks in Russia have not gone back this year, distorting the space-time continuum between different world time-zones and heralding in 'The Eternal Summer'. It is expected that animals prone to hibernation will stay in a constant state of wakefulness, which will eventually send them mad. This is already in evidence, says Wildlife Expert Dr. McGaia. Birds have been seen flying backwards, and in a field outside Odessa, farmers watched in horror as their horses consumed each other. There have also been rumours in Siberia of creatures that have six wings and are 'covered in eyes'.




Russian Summertime Heralds Ragnarok


Conservative Councillor Issues Slap-in-Face Apology.

Councillor Bennett, head of Children's Services in Birmingham, has accidentally copied 120 senior council members into an email calling his Labour colleague a 't**t'. Bennett apologised to women the world over, stating that "to compare Councillor Kennedy to any part of a woman’s anatomy is insulting to women and that was not my intention." Way to go, champ.

Liam Fox: You Cannot Kill That Which Does Not Live.

Shamed Tory ex-Defence Secretary Liam Fox has hinted on his eventual return to front line politics. Speaking from a Castle in Transylvania, Fox stated that 'the device is almost complete' and that he would be looking forward to his triumphant return. Some critics have suggested that Fox's behavior may have changed, but the former Defence Minister allayed fears that he may have 'got smart' with this intelligent backhander: "I do think that we need to understand that we have to have a free press... but a free press doesn't mean the press can do what they want."

Fox will be taking a break from politics in the short term, recently taking a trip to the coastal town of Whitby for vacation. Mr. Werrity's whereabouts are unknown, but are not thought to be linked with the wrecking of the three-masted sailing ship 'Dementer', which crashed into Whitby harbour with the loss of all hands.

Fox has admitted a fondeness for Heniz sauce.

'It's all Gone Wrong,' Admits ILO

"Get out while you can" is the message forwarded by the Independent Labour Organization, who state the world is on the brink of a second major recession, which will lead to job losses, social unrest and potential fianancial meltdown, cumulating in cannibalism and possible nuclear holocaust. The optimistic forcast comes as members of the G20 meet in Cannes and prepare to make 'bold decisions'. The world leaders have strongly denied the existance of 'the Ark Project', rumoured to be an advanced space shuttle designed to ferry the world's richest and most powerful off-planet in the eventuallity of a complete collapse of ordered society.

Release the Hounds

I had, up until last week, been against the idea of fox hunting. I find it to be a cruel and barbaric sport, but hey, I'm no saint. I eat meat. Just don't like the idea of rich people torturing animals from horseback. Toffs shouldn't have fun.

Anyway, I changed my mind. I'm now in favour of fox hunting, and believe the ban is stupid. I'm lending my full internet-based support to those who recently defied the ban and let slip the dogs of war on a very specific fox.

Liam Fox hunting. A perfectly acceptable hobby.

I know that people are probably intimately familiar with Liam Fox's recent indiscretions concerning taking best buddy Adam Werritty on holiday with him. And on defence trips. And other places. And letting him live in his tax-payer funded second home. But I'm going to harp on about it anyway, mainly because I make a pun out of his name.

Clever.

Fox apologised in the House of Commons on Tuesday*, stating.

"I would like to say again that I am very sorry to all my colleagues here in the House and to all those who feel let down by the decisions that I have made...
"The ministerial code had been found to be breached and for this I am sorry. I accept that it is not only the substance but perception that matters and that is why I chose to resign. I accept the consequences for me without bitterness or rancour."

I would like to tell Liam at this point not to worry. If the apology was directed towards me*, a member of the public, I'd like to reassure him that I do not feel let down. Fortunately, I have insulated myself inside a bubble of cynacism and am thus not even remotely surprised or disappointed by his decision to do favours for his mate at our expense. Liam, don't worry. We saw it coming. We expected it. You are not alone.

I do have a little bit of an issue with the wording of the second half of your apology, though. When you accept 'it is not only the substance but perception that matters', is this an admission that you still don't really think you've done anything wrong? Have you just been attacked by a vindictive media?

Fox condems vindictive media.

Ah, it's like that...

'In a statement of apology to the Housse of Commons, Mr Fox said the "media frenzy... should worry all of us".'

Well, no. It should worry guys like you, but isn't that kind of the idea? It is only fair that in exchange for all your power and wealth, when you inevitably mess up, which you will do - and I stress, this is not because 'we're all human' or 'nobody's perfect', but because you are an idiot - you get savaged.

Savagely.

I think, Liam, the only thing that should be worrying you now is the sound of those horns...

Run Liam, it's the vindictive media.

* It could have been Wednesday but I honestly don't care.
* I doubt it.

The Complexity of Colour

This is not an explanation of what I've been doing for the past two months. Well, it sort of is, but if you feel cheated, go somewhere else. Life isn't fair.

Paintbrushes, for anyone with more than a passing familiarity with their operation, tend to make a noise that is almost entirely unique in the world. Seriously, try it. Dip it, wipe it, then begin painting a newly plastered wall. You can guarantee that the noise produced lies somewhere between a cadaver being dragged over sandpaper and a oily walrus having intercourse with porridge. A kind of scrape-splat that exists only in paint.

Recently, I've spent a lot of time painting. My new pad, actually owned by my girlfriend. Some other guys house, actually owned by my dad. That sort of thing. You can see where this is going...

Dulux Launches New Paint Range Amidst Storm of Controversy

Shares in the interior decorating and paint company Dulux were bolstered today by the announcement of a whole new range of Dulux One-Coat. A spokesperson explains.

"By increasing the amount of pigment - that's the stuff that makes colour, in layman's terms - that we put into our paint, we now offer better value for money, easier application, and a new range of bold, exciting colours to wow your friends with."

Dulux's new paint range, containing 22 new variations of colour. On the left you can see 'Natural Bland', whilst the discerning interior designer will recognize the right as a revamped version of the traditional favourite 'Neutral Bland'. These form the core of the new Winter Collection

The colours, due for release in November, follow the tag line "Curiosity Killed the Cat. Stay Alive. Stay Boring." The spectrum available for the first wave will be all of the shades that exist between 'What might pass as brown in the dark' and 'I think it's cream, but it looks a bit green if you squint.' The increased pigment in the paint, allows for easier application and just one-coat. The some of the exciting new colours are available below.



Neutral



Chaotic Neutral

 

Inoffensive Beige

 

Understated Autumn



Well Concealed Disappointment

    

"We're really excited about the new range," said Press Secretary Frank Lee Bland, "Dulux has really pushed the boundaries of interior design with this latest batch."

When asked about the process that goes into designing and naming the colours, Mr. Bland replied. "In today's Facebook age, everything has to be on display all the time. This is an ego enhancing exercise, a form of identity-creation and self-branding. Do you think strangers on the internet genuinely care if you read Orwell and Foucault? Of course they don't, but the presence of such authors on your page reinforces the belief that you're an intellectual, and that is very important. It gives people value. We don't just want to sell any old cream paint, we want to send a message when we do. People should be able to walk into your house and recognize classics such "Failing Health" and "Chaotic Neutral", the muted tones of "Low Self Esteem" or the bold highlights and feature walls dressed in "Pretentious Twat" or "Middle Class Utopia".



Student Hangover



Out of Date Cinnamon



Flawless Beige



However, there have been several harsh criticisms directed against Dulux's new release.

"If you can make one-coat paint, why not make it all one-coat?" asks leading designer Faye Painter. "It proves that Dulux are nothing more than a bunch of money-grabbing lackwits who make deliberately inferior products to drive sales. I can't even clean my own walls, the paint rubs off when I try!"

Dulux declined to comment on Miss Painter's accusations, stating that a press release will be issued shortly. It is hoped that the release will answer questions that have already plagued the company for some years, including the famous scandal in 2003 where it was revealed that many colour variations in the chart were so gradual as to be indistinguishable to the human eye, the 2004 health scare that constant exposure to mediocre colours could breed madness, and the rumours circulating in 2007 that Dulux had invented a colour that is only visible to dogs.

Conservafrence

A full explanation of my recent disappearance from the face of the earth will hopefully be issued shortly. Needless to say, the reports of my death were greatly exaggerated conveniently not true.

Recently, the powers that be have been holding their respective party conferences, in which they split off into their various tribes, relocate deep underground and shed their human skin. For an entire weekend, these grumkins can wallow in their damp caves and discuss any future schemes to torment humanity. None so dastardly as the Tory Party, who were the most recent band of Deep Goblins to migrate to their swamp in Manchester, of all places.

Euthanize Poor to Cut Deficit, Backbencher Urges.
A senior Conservative backbencher has proposed a bold new initiative to cut hospital waiting lists, reduce the burden on British prisons, reduce class sizes and cut the amount spent on welfare payments. Herbert Cardigan, MP for West Countryshire, put forward the proposal at the recent Conservative Party Conference.

"The idea is quite simple," said Cardigan as he left the opulent conference centre, "In order to cut the deficit, something must be done about our out of control population - the forced euthanization of any citizen meeting certain criteria."

The criteria, which were discussed throughout the weekend, would include the unemployed, anyone living buy-to-let, homeless, people with previous criminal convictions and less than £12,000 pounds in savings.
"Basically," Cardigan continues, "We need to remove unproductive members of society from our streets. These bottom-feeders are a burden on our health system, our welfare system, our schools, prisons, and other valuable amenities."

The plan has drawn criticism from several sources, including the International Institution of Landlords and Money Printers, who suggest that this could harm economic recovery and lead to a collapse of the buy-to-let property market. The proposals could also include low-income earners such as teachers, nurses, and fire fighters. Cardigan has also come under fire from the MoD, who fear recruitment targets may not be met if an entire generation of despair-fuelled, low income working-class are removed from circulation, leading to fears that Britain may be seen as a "soft touch" in the International Community.

David Cameron has vowed to stand by his embattled backbencher, however. At a press conference to confirm the proposal, he stated.

"We are already drawing up a list of exemptions to this new rule, ensuring that society can continue to function and to ensure we remain among it's most privilaged members. What the Conservative Party is proposing is not some kind of left-wing utopia where equality is bought through wholesale extermination, but the careful and considered removal of harmful elements from our society. Britain deserves a world-class health and education system, free from the putrid boils and slack jawed ignorance of the feral underclass."

"Additional benefits of the scheme would include the creation of 5,000 new jobs constructing the Deficit Reduction Camps, a marked reduction in crime rates, and a drop in re-offending." Cameron added.
"I don't want to get all starry eyed yet," he said, "But this could be as far reaching as to impact on immigration, provide incentive for first time buyers to make that crucial first step, and encourage those in long-term unemployment to get back into work. Any work."

The proposals, which are due to be put before the House of Commons on Friday, are expected to draw criticism from a variety of different political interest groups. Nick McRacist, a BNP Councillor from Burnley, has voiced outrage at the notion.

"Section 3, Article 2.6 clearly states that immigrants within the country can choose to be repatriated or moved to the Deficit Reduction Camps," he said, "Proving that once again the liberal left in this country are pandering to ethnic minorities, offering to pay for their deportation instead of just rounding them up. It's an outrage."

The Bill is to be discussed for one week before going to the vote. It is expected that Labour will oppose the plans on the basis that they are the opposition. One senior Conservative has remarked that they hope to hold onto the support of the Liberal Democrats in exchange for another referendum on the Alternative Vote.

If passed, the Safer Communities and Deficit Reduction Bill 2011, could be extended throughout 2012 to include other 'subversive elements' within society, including political objectors, trade unionists, homosexuals and hippies.

Reaping the Whirlwind

There is a shadow over Europe.


No, it's not the Nazi's, not even in zombie form. It's the phone hacking scandal, a truely epic nightmare reserved just for the upper echelons of society that just seems to get worse every day. Like a daemonic Duracell bunny, it just keeps going and going and going, claiming an endless stream of victims. The net result is some sort of obsence free for all, which involves all the guilty parties kicking lumps off each other like a Halifax street brawl. Papers admit bribing cops and hacking phones, politicians condemn everyone except themselves, everyone bundles in on the politicians for being spineless cads who crawled through the dirt for media favour, and a throughly embarrassed Met police - already fresh from a multitude of recent beatings - responds by arresting just about anyone who ever owned a telephone. For the main players - at least from News International's side of the fence, check out this Rogue's Gallery: Andy Coulson, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton and Rupert Murdoch.

 

The Corporation will now lead us in prayer.

To say that I don't know many people who have been particularly over-interested in what our not-so-benevolent dictators have been up to, the fallout has been immense. Resignations, the collapse of News of the World, the decapitation of News International, printed apologies, and withdrawing the BSkyB bit just to name a few. And it doesn't seem to get any better. David Cameron flounders as new revelations, literally every hour, engross him in the scandal by his association with 'friend' Coulson. The Met Police just seem to be completely lost, going as far as to describe their previous investigation as 'crap', and now floundering in a mess very much of their own making. Two hundred journalists at News of the World were shamelessly sacrificed for Brooks' continued career, which has come to a crashing end.


As soon as the FBI got involved, you knew the story was starting to get a bit silly. It has become a self-perpetuating - possibily even self-aware - monster that grows in size with each passing moment. The funny thing is, public outrage has been described, although this intrepid young blogger hasn't so much as overheard it in a pub. And call me cynical, but aren't we all a bit jaded with it by now. Reporters bribing cops and doing seedy things? No, really? Cops selling phone numbers and opening doors for people? Surely not. Politicians pandering to media moguls, involving themselves in every public outrage because there's a general feeling that just to be seen is a good thing? No one could be so shameless.

Anyway, not a particularly funny one today. I've been at a bit of a loss, and not having the internet hasn't helped a great deal. For those of you actually interested in phone hacking, Newsweeks article is very good. It is so good, in fact, I'll sum up by lifting a quote directly from it.

As one of his former top executives—once a close aide—told me, “This scandal and all its implications could not have happened anywhere else. Only in Murdoch’s orbit. The hacking at News of the World was done on an industrial scale. More than anyone, Murdoch invented and established this culture in the newsroom, where you do whatever it takes to get the story, take no prisoners, destroy the competition, and the end will justify the means.”

“In the end, what you sow is what you reap,” said this same executive. “Now Murdoch is a victim of the culture that he created. It is a logical conclusion, and it is his people at the top who encouraged lawbreaking and hacking phones and condoned it.”

True Colours

I did originally intend to do this about a week ago, when people's Facebook Status' were all full of news updates on the Public Sector strikes. So here you go, Ed Miliband being, well...


It should be blindingly obvious.

Leader of the Labour Party, head of the Opposition, and all round good guy Ed Miliband decides to do an interview for the BBC. Unfortunately, Ed has only managed to prepare a single paragraph worth of material, which he repeats four to five times over the course of the discussion.

"These strikes are wrong."

So, Ed, better the Devil you know?

I did note with passing amusement that quite a few Labour sympathisers on my newsfeed were condemning the attitude taken by the Tory and Liberal government, praising their party and generally adopting the fingers-in-ears approach. These people labour under a severe misaprehension that the Labour Party actually cares about workers. Well, it doesn't. It instead, under Miliband, has continued the Torification of British Politics by presenting alternative politics as just meaning alternative faces. Check it out. It's Ed's Leader's speech, and if you can stomach it for long enough, you'll see just how much an alternative he really is.

But before this gets too in depth and dry, there are other issues with Ed Miliband.

1) He reminds me of Rik Mayall's character Alan B'stard, from The New Statesman. There's just something creepy and insincere about him, like a robot wearing his skin and attempting to mimic human emotion. Can you believe this man has raised Labour's profile to the highest it has been since 2002?

Lock up your wives and children.

2) He is repetative. Sorry Ed, but you are. All he did for the entirity of that interview was mix up the words "strikes, wrong, parents, inconvenience, rhetoric, government, talks, ongoing." The order of these words was rearranged throughout the discussion, but no new words were added. It should be remixed by some internet peeps. It has all the gnawing thumping of a bad dance track.

3) His brother is so much cooler. Check this out.

Samuel Jackson

Ed Miliband's badass brother

Basically, between the suit and the fro, David Miliband looks like a nerdy white version of Samuel Jackson from Pulp Fiction. Coincidence? I think not, motherfucker. Now if anyone could put the fear of god into David Cameron, it'd be David Miliband giving the "And you will know my name is the Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee..." speech right before he blows him away.

4) Ed, you are boring, monotone, grey, limp and wet. I'm sorry, but you are the Couscous of Politics. Most of the time you look like a startled deer anyway. Give up and turn back, before it's too late.

So, lets recap.

For anyone who had a shred of faith in human decency and the goodness of the labour party, you're wrong. It's over, it is finished. Listen to his speeches, and just look at the guy. Labour are not even keeping up the pretense of looking out for people. They are the fluffy Conservative party, which somehow makes me hate them more. The Conservatives I dislike with every fibre of my being, but at least they're as cold as a bastard and cutting as a razor's edge.They're at least a second rate Bond villan.

Labour offend me by the very fact they're are pretty inoffensive, dull, uninteresting and have no conviction at all. But hey, I've known all this for some time, but for everyone else's benefit, this should be the last straw. You can at least see that they've choked the basic human decency out of themselves until their ties turn blue.

Have You Seen This Tree?

WANTED: Dead or Alive

Murderous Poplar Tree - "Not so 'Poplar' anymore"*

A young girl was tragically killed by a branch thrown by this tree as she sat on a bench on Thursday. The tree was last scene in the Yaxley park area. It is described by police as fifty feet tall and incredibly dangerous. The public are strongly advised to avoid the tree, and contact police if they spot it. The tree is believed to be colluding with striking teachers, who yesterday sent a chilling video to the Daily Mail.

The video shows three masked teachers brandishing knives and Russian-made Klashnikov assault rifles with a banner reading 'N-U-T' behind them. Their message is clear, despite the shakey camera work.

"David Cameron and Nick Clegg, let us be clear. We have shown our determination. We are prepared to kill again."

If you tolerate this, your children will be next.

....

And back in the real world. What?

This is a blog directly... ...inspired...(?) ...by the Daily Mail article which blames teachers for killing a young girl via the medium of striking. If you didn't read the article I posted above...

READ IT NOW.

In the article, detailing the tragic death of a young girl, the bile inducing hacks at the Daily Mail, for whom - in all serious, satire aside - there is a special place in Hell, strikes and industrial action are reffered to eight times. Eight times. The basic breakdown is that if those selfish teachers had not been on strike, she would have been in school, and thus, not dead. The article also blames council workers for not taking the tree down sooner as it was a known menace. In the comments section, at the moment*, someone blames poor parenting for allowing the teenager to be in the park in the first place.


When I started writing this, I thought I might write something interesting or funny, but basically, the best I can manage is blind rage. You win, internet troll. You got me angry. I hope whoever wrote this article dies in the next twelve hours, screaming in angoy while their nearest and dearest walk solmenly past, shaking their heads. The Daily Mail has always been unfit to wipe the arse of a vindaloo-gobbling dog, but this is too much. Not only are you wrong, DM, but you've reached a microsopic level of pathetic, vomit inducing, whinging. I know a lot of words synonymous with contempt, but there aren't any I can use to describe my thoughts right now.

Highjack someone's grief to take a cheap shot at hardworking people.

Way to go, dicks.

*This gem is from my lovely ladyfriend.
*Before this horrendous article undoubtedly goes viral