The Director's Cut

They don’t care anymore. It’s quite obvious that they don’t. Maybe you’ve always known it, gnawing at the back of your mind. The terrible hamster of dark understanding. Loose. In your brain.

By ‘they’, I of course mean everyone. Anyone. The external forces. The powers that be. Specifically, people who make films. Narrow it down, and you’ll find that I mean the people – nay, the parasitic fragments of humanity – that made Underworld: Evolution.

Underworld Evolution: Possibly the worst film ever made.*

Underworld: Evolution Developmental Process

• Take a was-good-but-got-tired-quick genre – in this case, films styled after the Matrix trilogy.
• Using some power tools and an axe, remove the plot, being careful to ensure that you get all the nasty bits of originality that might try and cling to the sides. Leave only black leather, guns, pusedo science and physics defying martial arts.
• Replace all characters with supernatural creatures that firmly believe personality only happens to other people.
• Staple the leaky morass together with Kate Beckinsale in a leather cat suit. Ensure she is practically errupting from it in almost every scene. Fill cracks and plot holes with a stubborn refusal to acknowledge the need for a storyline.
• Profit.

Like a child attempting to catch tadpoles in a plastic shopping back, it starts out on a dubious premise. Everything of value quickly leaks out of the holes that are designed to prevent accidental - or even wilful – asphyxiation. All that is left at the end is a pile of mud and dead mutant fish inside a container that will take a thousand years to completely decompose. The testament of failure will outlive the memory of the idea in the first place. Such is this film.

You could watch it, but I recommend less painful pastimes such as gouging out your own eyes. Seriously, it’s too late for me, but I’d say it would be a preferable way to spend an evening. What you’re missing, more or less, is a typical starry-eyed werewolf/vampire action flick, made worst by Beckinsale’s accent, which is so British it practically hurts everytime she speaks. Which is a lot. Anyone who was unfortunate enough to watch the first Underworld and subsequently not empty the contents of their brain all over the garage wall will remember that the lead character, a male who oozes raw masculine sex like a harpooned seal, was bitten by both a werewolf and a vampire.

Since I can’t remember his name, being that unimportant to the general idea of a script, I’m going to call him Were-pire. Were-pire is still following Kate Beckinsale around like a lovelorn puppy, not fully comprehending what’s happening, which in a way sympathizes with the baffled audience. Kate reckons his double bad luck is actually a blessing, since somehow being venerable to sunlight, garlic, silver, crosses, mistletoe and stakes is balanced by the fact you have shared dietary considerations.

Something happens involving other vampires that kill each other and a big wolf trying to escape being imprisoned in a creepy castle. Were-pire has some existential angst moments, which appears to be his single purpose in the film other than appeasing goth chicks while their boyfriends dribble over Beckinsale. Some other vampires play at being soldiers and mess around with guns that shoot either expensive silver bullets or science defying ultraviolet bullets.

Ultraviolet.

Bullets.

I’m not a hundred percent, but I’m pretty sure the only way that is conceivably possible is if each bullet had a tiny lightbulb and battery inside it. It never explains it. It doesn’t need to.

I don't know either.

Kate gets into a massive fight during which she repeatedly clicks her two guns together like Dorothy’s slippers, and that somehow reloads them really fast and without anything actually going in. This is particularly useful, since Vampires torn apart by werewolves mere seconds earlier turn instantly into howling beastmen, violating traditional mythology by virtue of it being not real, I suppose. Meanwhile, there’s a big ass helicopter and a vampire that also has tentacles that is somehow connected to the Russian aristocracy, which is only strictly relevant for the purposes of medieval flashback filler scenes. He impales an old man with his shoulder mounted penis, mortally-wounding the last surviving immortal and proving conclusively that words like immortal are thrown about too casually.

No, god, I can’t do this anymore.

Just don’t see it. It’s awful.

Although not a particularly recent film, it is endemic of a new approach to making blockbuster movies.  It seems to consist largely of badly rehashed sequels and sitting back cackling on a pile of money. Unfortunately, I’ll keep watching them, and they’ll keep on not caring.

*Possibly the worst film. Unfortunately, I discounted great classics such as Starship Troopers II, and happened to watch the last half hour of Van Helsing, and five agonizing minutes of Barb Wire, after which I blacked-out.

No More Heroes

As befits the occasion, it's a sober one today, I'm afraid.

Like a lot of people, I observed a two minute silence today. Realistically, it's been more like a five hour silence since I've been sat at home alone all day, occassionally punctuated by shouting at the cat or talking to it in gibberish. The path to madness is travelled in tiny increments, and I am happily underway.

Anyway, today marks a day of national mourning, in which we remember the millions of people who have died in the 'defence of the nation'*. Previously, in the stages of my political evolution I've been somewhat skeptical about the role of the military, ranging from ranting about baby killers to extolling the virtues of any working class person who takes up a gun for what they believe in. I'm not entirely sure where I've landed today, but read on, because there is a really convoluted point to this. Today, I observed and reflected up the two minute silence.

Now, some people of certain political persuasions might be aghast at that. I suppose I would be on a different day, but hear me out.

Today, we have a perfect opportunity not to remember sacrifice for the sake of national pride. We do not have to construct a myth around our armed forces and regard them as Olympian gods. We don't have to consider every fallen young person to have died for some grand, high purpose, saving us all from the terror of the world. Today, we don't have to pretend it was all worth it.

I do not have to wear a poppy to show respect to the people I choose to remember. I do not stand silent in front of a flag snapping in the breeze. I don't regard a grey November sky to be part of the grand theatrical drama of Rememberance Day. Rememberance Day is every day, so long as you remember, right?

Today, at 11am, I remembered the International Brigades, who without any motivation beyond their political beliefs, fought and died in Spain against fascism. I remembered the victims of Bhopal, gassed in their sleep by the failings of Union Carbide. My mind skimmed Jean Charles de Menezes. Briefly, I considered the union reps murdered while working for Coca Cola.

At eleven, I remembered people who had given their lives, or people whose lives had been taken, as a result of the world system we live in.

For me, Rememberance Day is not about giving preferencial treatement to soldiers, but taking two minutes out of my day to remember the social, economic, sexual and cultural injustices that continue today. I remind myself that even my lowly place in society is bought with the continued suffering of others. Ironically, Rememberance Day is the time to remind yourself what you're fighting for.

*It might just be war, to be honest. War would be a lot fairer than 'defence of the realm', in a perverse way.

News from the Front

Again, we have another half-baked effort today. I'll do a better one in the morning, I promise.


Important Ruling Against Church Overshadowed by Awesomely Named Judge

It has been ruled that the Catholic Church is now liable for the wrongdoings of priests. Unfortunately, this ruling was made by Mr. Justice MacDuff, which somewhat undermines the gravity of the situation.

"Hey, stop touching that!"

Talking to Your Cat in Gibberish Makes You an Idiot

Scientists have discovered that talking to cats in a made up language is no more comprhensible than English, but does make you look stupid. Academics from the University of Obvious, Penn. have discovered that 90% of lonely people with cats talk to them in a made up language called  'Ooooja-kat?', which has its etymological roots in 'Ooooja-ur-daddy' that is often used on babies.

"It's meaningless," said Dr. Wordsmith. "The cat doesn't understand, and the problem with Ooooja-kat is that it has no set pattern. At least with English you can get repitition, sound and consequence association, allowing the cat to learn certain words. In Ooooja-kat, there are no words. You just make noise at it. It doesn't care."

Further research has suggested that people who communicate to animals and babies in made-up-language are 79% more likely to go feral and live in a storm drain eating fishheads and growling at passing cars.

Talentless Deadbeat Teenager Makes News as World Plunges Screaming into Hell.

Frankie Cocozza has been booted off the X-Factor as the world hurtles towards its inevitable self destrcution. Frankie was removed from the X-Factor for his conduct behind the scenes, which hints at some sort of binge drinking and or drug abuse. Cocozza has apologised to fans, saying "My life during the show has gone out of control and my behaviour off stage has overstepped the rules of the competition... ...I no longer deserve my place in the show, so I am therefore leaving. I would like to thank everyone who has supported me."

Outside the studio, upset fans gathered to pay their respects to the failed singer, who was widely regarded as the best warbling moron out of a sizeable bunch of talentless organ-hoarders. One 'Camp Cocozza' follower remained upbeat, however.

"Frankie has proven that he's desined for greatness by taking up valuable newspaper front page space while people in Syria chow down on bullets in the name of freedom. The very fact he has been deemed more important than the ten thousand stories of human cruelty and suffering that unfold every day is very encouraging."

Scientists have speculated that the psychic-deathscream that will eminate from planet Earth as it goes into complete social, economic and cultural meltdown could tear a hole in reality and reawaken the dead-god Cthulhu from his eons long slumber beneath the sea.

Gone, but still famous enough to displace useful information.

Upsidedown Rhino 'Trips Balls' on Sedative 

The Times recently ran an article on an airlift in Africa that saw a Black Rinhocerous being drugged, hung upside down and carried 1,500 kms to a new rhino sanctuary. I don't think need to highlight why an upside down flying rhino pumped full of drugs is awesome.

Dude, what if the sky was, like, the ground, and the ground was the sky? Dude...

This Just In

For a lack of anything better to do, I thought I'd give a round up of the last week's news. Or something like that. It'll all be better when I don't have to ever leave my house to go online. Tremble mortals.

Russia Defies Nature and Begins Armageddon.

President Medvedev has further complicated an already outrageous universe by decreeing that Russia will stay permanently in summertime. The clocks in Russia have not gone back this year, distorting the space-time continuum between different world time-zones and heralding in 'The Eternal Summer'. It is expected that animals prone to hibernation will stay in a constant state of wakefulness, which will eventually send them mad. This is already in evidence, says Wildlife Expert Dr. McGaia. Birds have been seen flying backwards, and in a field outside Odessa, farmers watched in horror as their horses consumed each other. There have also been rumours in Siberia of creatures that have six wings and are 'covered in eyes'.




Russian Summertime Heralds Ragnarok


Conservative Councillor Issues Slap-in-Face Apology.

Councillor Bennett, head of Children's Services in Birmingham, has accidentally copied 120 senior council members into an email calling his Labour colleague a 't**t'. Bennett apologised to women the world over, stating that "to compare Councillor Kennedy to any part of a woman’s anatomy is insulting to women and that was not my intention." Way to go, champ.

Liam Fox: You Cannot Kill That Which Does Not Live.

Shamed Tory ex-Defence Secretary Liam Fox has hinted on his eventual return to front line politics. Speaking from a Castle in Transylvania, Fox stated that 'the device is almost complete' and that he would be looking forward to his triumphant return. Some critics have suggested that Fox's behavior may have changed, but the former Defence Minister allayed fears that he may have 'got smart' with this intelligent backhander: "I do think that we need to understand that we have to have a free press... but a free press doesn't mean the press can do what they want."

Fox will be taking a break from politics in the short term, recently taking a trip to the coastal town of Whitby for vacation. Mr. Werrity's whereabouts are unknown, but are not thought to be linked with the wrecking of the three-masted sailing ship 'Dementer', which crashed into Whitby harbour with the loss of all hands.

Fox has admitted a fondeness for Heniz sauce.

'It's all Gone Wrong,' Admits ILO

"Get out while you can" is the message forwarded by the Independent Labour Organization, who state the world is on the brink of a second major recession, which will lead to job losses, social unrest and potential fianancial meltdown, cumulating in cannibalism and possible nuclear holocaust. The optimistic forcast comes as members of the G20 meet in Cannes and prepare to make 'bold decisions'. The world leaders have strongly denied the existance of 'the Ark Project', rumoured to be an advanced space shuttle designed to ferry the world's richest and most powerful off-planet in the eventuallity of a complete collapse of ordered society.

Release the Hounds

I had, up until last week, been against the idea of fox hunting. I find it to be a cruel and barbaric sport, but hey, I'm no saint. I eat meat. Just don't like the idea of rich people torturing animals from horseback. Toffs shouldn't have fun.

Anyway, I changed my mind. I'm now in favour of fox hunting, and believe the ban is stupid. I'm lending my full internet-based support to those who recently defied the ban and let slip the dogs of war on a very specific fox.

Liam Fox hunting. A perfectly acceptable hobby.

I know that people are probably intimately familiar with Liam Fox's recent indiscretions concerning taking best buddy Adam Werritty on holiday with him. And on defence trips. And other places. And letting him live in his tax-payer funded second home. But I'm going to harp on about it anyway, mainly because I make a pun out of his name.

Clever.

Fox apologised in the House of Commons on Tuesday*, stating.

"I would like to say again that I am very sorry to all my colleagues here in the House and to all those who feel let down by the decisions that I have made...
"The ministerial code had been found to be breached and for this I am sorry. I accept that it is not only the substance but perception that matters and that is why I chose to resign. I accept the consequences for me without bitterness or rancour."

I would like to tell Liam at this point not to worry. If the apology was directed towards me*, a member of the public, I'd like to reassure him that I do not feel let down. Fortunately, I have insulated myself inside a bubble of cynacism and am thus not even remotely surprised or disappointed by his decision to do favours for his mate at our expense. Liam, don't worry. We saw it coming. We expected it. You are not alone.

I do have a little bit of an issue with the wording of the second half of your apology, though. When you accept 'it is not only the substance but perception that matters', is this an admission that you still don't really think you've done anything wrong? Have you just been attacked by a vindictive media?

Fox condems vindictive media.

Ah, it's like that...

'In a statement of apology to the Housse of Commons, Mr Fox said the "media frenzy... should worry all of us".'

Well, no. It should worry guys like you, but isn't that kind of the idea? It is only fair that in exchange for all your power and wealth, when you inevitably mess up, which you will do - and I stress, this is not because 'we're all human' or 'nobody's perfect', but because you are an idiot - you get savaged.

Savagely.

I think, Liam, the only thing that should be worrying you now is the sound of those horns...

Run Liam, it's the vindictive media.

* It could have been Wednesday but I honestly don't care.
* I doubt it.

The Complexity of Colour

This is not an explanation of what I've been doing for the past two months. Well, it sort of is, but if you feel cheated, go somewhere else. Life isn't fair.

Paintbrushes, for anyone with more than a passing familiarity with their operation, tend to make a noise that is almost entirely unique in the world. Seriously, try it. Dip it, wipe it, then begin painting a newly plastered wall. You can guarantee that the noise produced lies somewhere between a cadaver being dragged over sandpaper and a oily walrus having intercourse with porridge. A kind of scrape-splat that exists only in paint.

Recently, I've spent a lot of time painting. My new pad, actually owned by my girlfriend. Some other guys house, actually owned by my dad. That sort of thing. You can see where this is going...

Dulux Launches New Paint Range Amidst Storm of Controversy

Shares in the interior decorating and paint company Dulux were bolstered today by the announcement of a whole new range of Dulux One-Coat. A spokesperson explains.

"By increasing the amount of pigment - that's the stuff that makes colour, in layman's terms - that we put into our paint, we now offer better value for money, easier application, and a new range of bold, exciting colours to wow your friends with."

Dulux's new paint range, containing 22 new variations of colour. On the left you can see 'Natural Bland', whilst the discerning interior designer will recognize the right as a revamped version of the traditional favourite 'Neutral Bland'. These form the core of the new Winter Collection

The colours, due for release in November, follow the tag line "Curiosity Killed the Cat. Stay Alive. Stay Boring." The spectrum available for the first wave will be all of the shades that exist between 'What might pass as brown in the dark' and 'I think it's cream, but it looks a bit green if you squint.' The increased pigment in the paint, allows for easier application and just one-coat. The some of the exciting new colours are available below.



Neutral



Chaotic Neutral

 

Inoffensive Beige

 

Understated Autumn



Well Concealed Disappointment

    

"We're really excited about the new range," said Press Secretary Frank Lee Bland, "Dulux has really pushed the boundaries of interior design with this latest batch."

When asked about the process that goes into designing and naming the colours, Mr. Bland replied. "In today's Facebook age, everything has to be on display all the time. This is an ego enhancing exercise, a form of identity-creation and self-branding. Do you think strangers on the internet genuinely care if you read Orwell and Foucault? Of course they don't, but the presence of such authors on your page reinforces the belief that you're an intellectual, and that is very important. It gives people value. We don't just want to sell any old cream paint, we want to send a message when we do. People should be able to walk into your house and recognize classics such "Failing Health" and "Chaotic Neutral", the muted tones of "Low Self Esteem" or the bold highlights and feature walls dressed in "Pretentious Twat" or "Middle Class Utopia".



Student Hangover



Out of Date Cinnamon



Flawless Beige



However, there have been several harsh criticisms directed against Dulux's new release.

"If you can make one-coat paint, why not make it all one-coat?" asks leading designer Faye Painter. "It proves that Dulux are nothing more than a bunch of money-grabbing lackwits who make deliberately inferior products to drive sales. I can't even clean my own walls, the paint rubs off when I try!"

Dulux declined to comment on Miss Painter's accusations, stating that a press release will be issued shortly. It is hoped that the release will answer questions that have already plagued the company for some years, including the famous scandal in 2003 where it was revealed that many colour variations in the chart were so gradual as to be indistinguishable to the human eye, the 2004 health scare that constant exposure to mediocre colours could breed madness, and the rumours circulating in 2007 that Dulux had invented a colour that is only visible to dogs.

Conservafrence

A full explanation of my recent disappearance from the face of the earth will hopefully be issued shortly. Needless to say, the reports of my death were greatly exaggerated conveniently not true.

Recently, the powers that be have been holding their respective party conferences, in which they split off into their various tribes, relocate deep underground and shed their human skin. For an entire weekend, these grumkins can wallow in their damp caves and discuss any future schemes to torment humanity. None so dastardly as the Tory Party, who were the most recent band of Deep Goblins to migrate to their swamp in Manchester, of all places.

Euthanize Poor to Cut Deficit, Backbencher Urges.
A senior Conservative backbencher has proposed a bold new initiative to cut hospital waiting lists, reduce the burden on British prisons, reduce class sizes and cut the amount spent on welfare payments. Herbert Cardigan, MP for West Countryshire, put forward the proposal at the recent Conservative Party Conference.

"The idea is quite simple," said Cardigan as he left the opulent conference centre, "In order to cut the deficit, something must be done about our out of control population - the forced euthanization of any citizen meeting certain criteria."

The criteria, which were discussed throughout the weekend, would include the unemployed, anyone living buy-to-let, homeless, people with previous criminal convictions and less than £12,000 pounds in savings.
"Basically," Cardigan continues, "We need to remove unproductive members of society from our streets. These bottom-feeders are a burden on our health system, our welfare system, our schools, prisons, and other valuable amenities."

The plan has drawn criticism from several sources, including the International Institution of Landlords and Money Printers, who suggest that this could harm economic recovery and lead to a collapse of the buy-to-let property market. The proposals could also include low-income earners such as teachers, nurses, and fire fighters. Cardigan has also come under fire from the MoD, who fear recruitment targets may not be met if an entire generation of despair-fuelled, low income working-class are removed from circulation, leading to fears that Britain may be seen as a "soft touch" in the International Community.

David Cameron has vowed to stand by his embattled backbencher, however. At a press conference to confirm the proposal, he stated.

"We are already drawing up a list of exemptions to this new rule, ensuring that society can continue to function and to ensure we remain among it's most privilaged members. What the Conservative Party is proposing is not some kind of left-wing utopia where equality is bought through wholesale extermination, but the careful and considered removal of harmful elements from our society. Britain deserves a world-class health and education system, free from the putrid boils and slack jawed ignorance of the feral underclass."

"Additional benefits of the scheme would include the creation of 5,000 new jobs constructing the Deficit Reduction Camps, a marked reduction in crime rates, and a drop in re-offending." Cameron added.
"I don't want to get all starry eyed yet," he said, "But this could be as far reaching as to impact on immigration, provide incentive for first time buyers to make that crucial first step, and encourage those in long-term unemployment to get back into work. Any work."

The proposals, which are due to be put before the House of Commons on Friday, are expected to draw criticism from a variety of different political interest groups. Nick McRacist, a BNP Councillor from Burnley, has voiced outrage at the notion.

"Section 3, Article 2.6 clearly states that immigrants within the country can choose to be repatriated or moved to the Deficit Reduction Camps," he said, "Proving that once again the liberal left in this country are pandering to ethnic minorities, offering to pay for their deportation instead of just rounding them up. It's an outrage."

The Bill is to be discussed for one week before going to the vote. It is expected that Labour will oppose the plans on the basis that they are the opposition. One senior Conservative has remarked that they hope to hold onto the support of the Liberal Democrats in exchange for another referendum on the Alternative Vote.

If passed, the Safer Communities and Deficit Reduction Bill 2011, could be extended throughout 2012 to include other 'subversive elements' within society, including political objectors, trade unionists, homosexuals and hippies.